#trendingtopics

Each week we take a look at some of Twitter’s most entertaining trending topics and provide some deep and meaningful insight. Or we just bitch about it.

February 9th-February 15th

  • Lil Kim

When: 2/9

Why: The rapper’s face looks umm… different

Shir: I am personally very happy a conversation about Lil Kim’s face is going on, regardless of the reason. She’s quite sassy so I can’t not love her, but her face has truly been a conversation topic for a looong time.

Kara: It’s actually kind of incredible what’s happened here–a metamorphosis of sorts. Lil Kim is the female Michael Jackson without the unbelievable talent.

  • Pope Benedict XVI

When: 2/11

Why: Pope Benedict becomes the first pope in 600 years to resign 

Shir: I can’t wait to see the cheesy “first day of retirement” video his insurance company makes!

Kara: Can you really blame him? Being pope seems like a rough job and I can’t imagine how uncomfortable all those robes can get during a hot Italian summer. Or maybe he just wanted to properly celebrate Mardi Gras.

  • Harlem Shake

When: 2/11

Why: The Baauer dance meme goes viral

Shir: I’m not going to lie and pretend that watching these videos has not become a beloved pastime of mine as of late. So you shouldn’t pretend you don’t enjoy them.

Kara: Ughhh everything. about. this. is. terrible. The song is fine–whatever another EDM song with no words–but those videos. WHAT THOSE PEOPLE ARE DOING IS NOT THE HARLEM SHAKE. The Harlem Shake is an actual dance that looks cool and requires rhythm. The most painful part of all of this is that a generation of Internet children will associate the Harlem Shake with this crap instead of this

  • IOC

When: 2/12

Why: The International Olympic Committee announces that they will be cutting wrestling from the next Olympic games

Shir: Is it just me or is any mention of the Olympics after the month of September every four years kind of annoying? I feel like I would have cared about this a lot more a few months ago.

Kara: Nice job guys. Cut wrestling but keep ping pong and shooting?  If there was a money issue, couldn’t they have just canceled the Winter Olympics instead? No one really cares about those.

  • Valentine’s Day

When: 2/14

Why: You know the drill

Shir: Guys Valentine’s Day is actually pretty great because the fact that it happens means that there is so much discounted candy at CVS today!

Kara: Whatever yo.

#throwitback

“No Scrubs” by TLC

This set a new standard in “that man ain’t no good” songs–which are always good to listen to on Valentine’s Day. Related: “scrub” needs to make a comeback in popular vernacular ASAP. We shall be spearheading that movement. Sit back, give this a spin and try to forget that Lil Mama will be playing Left Eye in the upcoming TLC biopic.

#valentinesday

Blahh Valentine’s Day blah. Today is the last day that you’ll be inundated with ridiculous slideshows and lists on how best to celebrate this commercially manufactured holiday (at least for the next year). Complex Magazine–perhaps the king of unnecessary lists–is obviously no exception.

For the most part, I like Complex and I understand that they have to generate a lot–some would say an unnecessary amount–of content. Therefore, sometimes they have some really great lists, and sometimes they have:

How To Spend Valentine’s Day With Your Social Media Soul Mate

Social media valentine's day

(via)

Already, we know the direction this is heading in cannot be a good one since we’re being asked to pretend that a social media soul mate is a real thing. At first, I thought the whole thing was a joke…but I’m pretty sure the author is being serious.

Sexy Instagram Photoshoots

You didn’t cut the dark meat out of your diet and down size the number of fried chicken strips you ordered for nothing. Treat your social media piece to a show and let them get their like and comment on.

A SOCIAL MEDIA PIECE. I’m young and I don’t even really know what that is. And yes, by all means, please do post sexy pictures of yourself on a public forum because that has never gone poorly for anyone.

Netflix Date

Here’s what you do: You both login, pick a movie, hold the phone, and every 15 mintues you say something to avoid otherwise uncomfortable silence. Oh, you think this is stupid? So is not being with someone you care about if they’re nearby. So there. Enjoy the show and be glad I just saved you $35 on popcorn.

Who wants to hold a phone to their face for an entire movie? I’d also like to point out that it’s not really possible to have uncomfortable silence when you’re watching a movie because that’s largely what you’re supposed to be: silent.

Google +

If you’re separated on V-Day for whatever reason, use Google + to unite separated lovers. Or you know, it can be like a virtual orgy. Either way, you’ll be together.

What does this even mean?

Reddit

Find and share other love stories on the user-generated news site and read them “Notebook” style to your special friend over the phone…or Google phone, if they’re waiting on their cell to be turned back on.

Nothing screams romance and love like an online forum full of racists and sexual predetors. What the hell is “Notebook” style? WHAT IS THAT?

Play Spades With Your Soulmate

Yo, don’t give me that look. Who doesn’t love spades? It beats playing solitaire.

I don’t even know what Spades is. I mean–I understand the concept that it is a card game of sorts but why is it anymore appropriate to play Spades than any other card game on Valentine’s Day?

Don’t do any of these things. And, more importantly, for the love of baby Jesus, don’t have a social media soul mate. Real people are better. Most of the time.

-K

#divorce

There now exists a Valentine’s Day divorce contest so that we can all be happy in our own ways tomorrow. I think it takes a pretty twisted person to think of an idea like this, but I guess nobody wants to be excluded from the commercialization of Valentine’s Day so it was only a matter of time before we saw something of this nature. I thought that Pizza Hut trying to get in on the “holiday” madness was absurd, but then a divorce lawyer from Michigan started this contest in which one lucky person can win a free divorce in honor of Valentine’s Day, so the pizza perfume seemed OK in comparison.

Wannabe divorcees shouldn’t get too excited just yet- this isn’t a free-for-all. To enter the contest, you must be a Michigan resident, and “the winner will be chosen based on the most compelling and convincing story as to why they should be the winner. The divorce is limited to an uncontested divorce with no or minimum child custody issues.” Also the applications were due by midnight last night so my bad for not giving anybody enough warning.

Walter H. Bentley, the mastermind lawyer behind all of this, says that more than 500 people have applied for the grand prize of legally unshackling themselves from the chains of their marriage. On the bright side, he isn’t really exploiting these people the way he could have by making it a social media popularity contest. That would be so awkward if they had to publicly post why they think they deserve to win, and the winner was chosen based on how many likes their post got.

But I digress. Really I just wanted to show you that there are so many fun, diverse ways one could celebrate Valentine’s Day- don’t limit yourself to a nice dinner or flowers- think outside the box! Maybe the perfect gift for your spouse is a divorce.

-S

#trendingtopics

February 4th- February 10th

  • Happy Super Bowl Sunday

When: 2/5

Why: Self-Explanatory 

Shir: Super Bowl Sunday is obviously very exciting and I definitely understand that even if I have no vested interest in the game. BUT, it’s one thing for “happy super bowl Sunday” to be trending. It’s another thing for every trending topic to be related to the game! Believe it or not, there were other things going on at the same time and 90% of Twitter users simply had no idea.

Kara: Guys, I learned so much from the Super Bowl.

  • #hippiethreats

When: 2/7

Why: Very unsure.

Shir: Gotta hand it to Twitter/Patton Oswalt. He’s always been one of my favorite comedians, and he started this and kept it going for quite some time. “seitan lives inside of you”? That’s hilarious.

Kara: Well I just learned something new! I had no idea Patton Oswalt had a hand in this. I’m from the West Coast (West Coast, Best Coast!). Many hippies reside on the West Coast. I do not enjoy hippies. Hippies have a very special place on my annoyance scale. I dare a hippie to threaten me.

  • Prop 8

When: 2/7

Why: Prop 8 is overturned in California. 

Shir: It’s hard to come by real news on Twitter sometimes, especially when things like #hippiethreats start trending. This is refreshing in so many ways! I hope this means I’ll be getting some more wedding invites in the mail soon.

Kara: Shir is right, it’s nice to see something of actual importance trending on Twitter. The only downside of this is that I’m not the biggest fan of weddings. I’m dreading the day when the wave of bridesmaids requests start coming in. This is only going to up that number.

  • Valentine’s Day

When: 2/8

Why: For some reason, we need to be reminded that Valentine’s Day is only six days away.

Shir: I have sooo many V-day plans so I am very thankful for this type of reminder. Keeps me in check when I might normally procrastinate.

Kara: I’m starting a petition to drop Valentine’s Day and make the Monday following the Super Bowl an actual holiday. Men of the world, you’re welcome.

#lovesongs

This Valentine’s Day, Spotify is encouraging people to “share” songs with their loved ones instead of the usual flowers or chocolate. Let me just say, if someone from whom I expected a Valentine’s Day gift decided to just “share” some songs with me I would be pissed. I wouldn’t even own the song! That’s like giving someone a Netflix DVD. All that aside, I would like to have a conversation with the creator of Spotify’s “Ultimate Valentine’s Day Playlist”. I’m trying to imagine my Valentine setting the mood for this most romantic of romantic holidays by queuing up this playlist and one of the following songs comes on:

U Got It Bad, Usher

I find this song incredibly depressing. I know it’s technically a love song but I never really got that vibe. Also, in my mind, this and Brian McKnight’s “Back At One” were the only slow songs ever played at middle school dances. Middle school was not an attractive time for anyone and I do not want to be reminded of it on Valentine’s Day. Also, remember how he was engaged to Chilli? And then cheated on her? Love is dumb.

Hey, Soul Sister, Train

If there is a stupider name for a band, I don’t know what it is. This might be the shittiest song ever. I don’t think I’ve ever gotten through the entire track because after about thirty seconds my brain starts to eat itself. This song is an affront to both soul and sisters and only further confused white people about the definition of both of those words. If my Valentine played this song, I would do this to him.

Greatest Love of All, Whitney Houston

The entire message of this is song is that the most important person to love is yourself. Actual lyrics include:

I never found anyone to fulfill my needs
A lonely place to be
So I learned to depend on me

and

I found the greatest love of all
Inside of me
 

Whitney Houston is one of the greatest singers of all time so it makes sense that they would want to include her on this playlist. Too bad she didn’t record any other actual love songs.

Breakaway, Kelly Clarkson

This isn’t a damn love song. But it does perfectly sum up what I’m doing to my Valentine once this playlist is over.

Wish You Were Here/I’m With You, Avril Lavigne

Lord have mercy on the soul of baby cupid. It is not 2003. Under no circumstance should an Avril Lavigne song be played. If love is like an Avril Lavigne song, then sign me up for spinsterhood right here and now.

One Sweet Day, Mariah Carey feat. Boyz II Men 

I love this song. Love. But does anyone at Spotify listen to these songs before slapping them into a playlist? If I were dead this would be the perfect song for my Valentine to play.

-K