#bretmichaels

I am quite skeptical of any competitive reality TV show that has the word “Celebrity” at the beginning of its title. You should be too. Obviously they do not feature actual celebrities, which is what I call a waste of time– give me real celebrities or give me death. This is why I have a hard time imagining why a show like Celebrity Apprentice even exists.1 And not only does it exist, it has had enough seasons that they now have an All-Star version of the show. Because obviously anybody who is enough of a fame whore to agree to be on Donald Trump’s show once will do it again.

The most severe case of this is Bret Michaels, who was just “fired” by Trump on his show, after winning the show the previous time he appeared on it. Not only was he the first to go, he allegedly had a complete meltdown on his way out.

This man:

 

was in tears over being fired and told off by one of the only men in America with a more ridiculous appearance than his own. Apparently he was truly inconsolable over being axed from the show, because he believed he was going to win a second time. Donald said to him that “Deep down psychologically it is awfully hard for me to pick you again as a winner. That is why it was incredulous to me that you came back.” I don’t know much about Bret Michaels, nor do I care to, but for the record…if someone looking like this

.
told me I didn’t have to work for them anymore, the only tears coming out of my eyes would be purely due to elation and being generally overjoyed.

Why are people- both television producers and faux celebs- giving Donald Trump more airtime than he already gets every time he is interviewed for something?

-S

#americanidol

The TWELFTH season of American Idol premieres tonight and I for one cannot wait. No, I’m not a middle aged soccer mom from Indiana or a a fourteen year old from Iowa, but I will watch the bizness out of the audition rounds of any reality competition show put on television because, it’s all downhill from there.

american idol judges

(Michael Becker/Fox)

However, I’m going to do my best to watch beyond the audition rounds during this season of American Idol because it is going to be RIDICULOUS. Truly, this show has no business still being on television.

My thoughts, hopes and dreams for season twelve of American Idol

  • Fox decides to disclose this season’s hair and makeup budget because you know it’s gon’ be BANANAS.
  • The producers focus on Keith Urban’s reactions to Nicki and Mariah–although, he may be pretty good at masking it. This man is married to Nicole Kidman, so he’s probably already used to high maintenance, crazy women.
  • Mariah Carey is obviously going to be batshit all season. Which is perfect since she gets a Mariah Carey Pass. A Mariah Carey Pass: Wherein a person is legally insane but it is allowed and tolerated by all due to their excessive amounts of talent.
  • Randy Jackson is still there? If you had asked me, I would have guessed that they got rid of him two season ago. The more important question: Why is Randy Jackson still there?
  • I hope Nicki wears a different wig every single episode
  • Solid gold Mariah Carey GIFs for daayyyz
  • Does Randy Jackson still say “doggg” all the time?
  • Mostly, I absolutely cannot wait for Mariah to compliment the performances by singing a bit of her favorite part back at the contestants–thereby proving how much better she is. It so subtle  yet so, so obvious.

Pressing questions. Important issues. Monumental events. These are the times we live in, folks.

-K

#jessicasimpson

I hate to admit it, but I pretty much have conclusive evidence that NBC has gone to shit. Not only are they getting rid of their best shows this year (what do we have, like three episodes of 30 Rock left?), but they are attempting to redeem themselves by giving Jessica Simpson her own SCRIPTED show. About her life. Seriously, Jessica “Always Pregnant” Simpson is set to star in a sitcom that is inspired by her life.

Watching a fake television show about Jessica Simpson’s life would probably have worse effects on your brain than a mixture of Here Comes Honey Boo Boo and Storage Wars. At least when she and Nick Lachey had their reality show we could write it off as another mildly entertaining  look into their life that didn’t require a lot of thought our effort on A-N-Y-B-O-D-Y-S part. It wasn’t hard work for the producers, the viewers, and certainly not for the star. We just mindlessly watched Jessica Simpson say unintentionally funny things. It was a win-win, really.

(via)

(via)

 

However, the thought of NBC paying money to make Jessica Simpson’s life into a television show is horrific. I feel like there are a lot of drugs being dealt at headquarters, and somebody really needs to sober up and say something because this is the worst idea EVER. Can you imagine being a television writer trying to make it big in Hollywood when you land the role of writing a painfully unwanted TV show about J.Simps? Talk about a resume blemish.

Also, how could the show possibly end up being entertaining??! Oh you know its just a story of a pop star who became unpopular the second she divorced her hot husband and now she is struggling to stay relevant/thin. Sounds SUPER interesting.

-S

#annanicolesmith

So, some news just came out that Anna Nicole Smith’s (RIP) six year old daughter is now modeling children’s clothes. Why this isn’t being acknowledged as a big deal is beyond me because IT IS A BIG DEAL. Anna Nicole was the original C-list hot mess celeb with a reality show on E!, a spot that Kris Jenner is now holding on to with dear life. Anna Nicole’s death was a huge shock and extremely upsetting, but we can all acknowledge that the last thing we would wish upon her is that her daughter follow in her footsteps.

Well, turns out her daughter is going along the exact same path. Dannielynn Birkhead is now modeling for Guess jeans, which her mom infamously modeled for many years ago (that, and Playboy, but hopefully Dannielynn isn’t heading for Hugh anytime soon).

If I had to guess, I would assume that ANS’s spawn would look like Honey Boo Boo’s long lost twin, but shockingly enough, she does not look like a overdone child prostitute (a.k.a. the miniature version of what her mom used to look like). Dannielynn’s Guess ad is kind of cute, especially considering how much Guess has gone downhill since its glory days twenty-something years ago.

These photos may not even be that great, but I was expecting to see something horrific and inappropriate for a child, so I’m extra pleased. It’s hard not to wonder how different things would be if Anna Nicole was still around, but it seems like Dannielynn is faring well despite everything.

-S

P.S.- do you see why I thought Dannielynn would look a little bit more like America’s favorite little girl from West Virginia??

(via, via)

#lizanddick

For those of you who aren’t masochists, last night was the premiere of the Lifetime original movie, Liz & Dick, starring Lindsay Lohan as Elizabeth Taylor.

(via Lifetime)

Before filming even began, I wrote about what an unmitigated disaster it would be if Linsday Lohan were to play Dame Elizabeth. Clearly Lifetime didn’t listen to me but you can’t say I didn’t warn you fools. Now, to be clear, we all know this movie would suckity suck suck suck all the air from planet Earth into this black hole of badness. And yet, we chose to watch it anyway. That’s on us.

Anticipation was high, yet probably best kept to oneself:

[blackbirdpie url="tweet https://twitter.com/LanceBass/status/272913028264103936"]

Yeah, Lance. It kind of is.

There were those who clearly weren’t in on the joke and seemed to be approaching the film with something resembling actual earnestness which makes me sadder than you’ll ever know:

And that includes Lifetime, although, at this point, for them, whatretheygonnado?

Whoever was forced to come up with these tweets deserves a raise, a vacation, and an optional lobotomy.

Then there were the zingers, which, let’s be real, is  like 80% of the reason Twitter even exists:

Elizabeth Taylor was an amazing woman, but Lindsay did a phenomenal job of making her look like an unhinged, alcoholic with a speech impediment:

I know this is abundantly obvious, but Linsday Lohan could not have delivered a worse performance in this film. To her credit, I was a bit surprised. We all remember her glory days in the Parent Trap, Freaky Friday, and Mean Girls. However, if Liz & Dick taught me one thing, it’s that homegirl Lohan FOR REALZ cannot act. I don’t know if she lost it, never had it, or what, but Jesus hell she needs to pick a new profession. Yes, the dialogue was ridiculous and every single scene was under two minutes long, but there’s just no excuse for this:

(via)

Everyone was saying what we were all thinking:

 

If you haven’t already, I don’t know that I would actually suggest you see Liz & Dick, but if you find yourself hungover and sprawled across your couch on a Sunday afternoon and the movie comes on, don’t exert the effort to change the channel.

For those of you who have no interest in the movie and/or like living a productive life, I’ll leave you with one line and one tweet that encompass the entirety of this atrocity:

I don’t loathe you. I hate you.

 

 

-K

#newyorkers

It sounds crazy, but New York City is filled with some pretty cool people other than us. That is why we started our New Yorker of the Week series where we convince some really awesome New Yorkers to answer a bunch of our silly questions.

If you don’t know funnyman Chris Gethard, you don’t really know funny. You may have heard of The Chris Gethard Show, his NYC-based talk show, or seen him retweeted on your Twitter feed by your friends who appreciate good comedy. His levels of sass are on par with ours, which is a good sign about a person (trust us).

Name: Chris Gethard

Occupation: Comedian/Author/Public Access TV Show Host

Neighborhood: Greenpoint, Brooklyn

Favorite Twitter account: @scharpling / @joemande / @notneilcasey

Favorite place in NYC: Economy Candy

Best response to one of these ridiculous hashtags: #UnansweredHipHopQuestions – What are the other two dudes from Leaders of the New School doing right this minute?

Biggest NYC pet peeve: The fact that it goes out of its way to crush your soul at any given opportunity, and also that we treat dying homeless people on the street as if they are ruining our days us because we NEED TO GET TO DUANE READE RIGHT NOW.

What competitive reality show would you win and why?: The only one I would have had a shot on would be Beauty and the Geek, but sadly it was canceled before I had my chance to shine.

Where would you live if you didn’t live in NYC?: In the suburbs of New Jersey, where I grew up. I’d have a house with some grass, a pool in the backyard, trees around, and no one would bother me since everyone thinks it’s all
guides and pollution and refuses to ever visit. Heaven is New Jersey.

Popular song you are sick of/never liked: Amongst indie kids, anything by Belle and Sebastian. So far as I can tell, they’re just the fake Smiths.

Drink of choice: Mr. Q Cumber soda – the greatest beverage on earth.

Best way to spot a tourist: T-shirt tucked into pleated shorts. Also, the genuine enthusiasm of someone who isn’t a shitty scowl faced New Yorker.