#ICYMI

If you are a #sasstag reader, I assume you lead a really cool life. Which means that on the weekends, you are out of the house, doing fun and cultured things with your awesome friends. You don’t have time to stay updated on the happenings of Hollywood and/or the world between 5 PM on Friday and 9 AM on Monday. The easiest fix? Reading our weekly In Case You Missed It post- the most important pop culture news roundup out there. Everything you need to have an opinion on before heading to the water cooler, every Monday morning. Enjoy!

Kim Kardashian revealed “Kimye: The Fetus”

Because why the hell not? I have a feeling we are going to get wind of one of those overly-revealing pregnancy photoshoots of Kim’s baby bump pretty soon because a) she’s not going to want to be a hypocrite and sell photos of her baby when it’s born (at least not right away), and b) she’s not going to want to wait until she’s too much further along because she kind of sort of already looks like she’s going to burst.

Perez Hilton and Amanda Bynes have some weird Twitter “fight” going on now?

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Basically, he started doing shit like this with all of her tweets, but apparently they used to be friends??? I’m literally so confused about this situation. Notice the time stamps.

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amanda bynesperez hilton

Obviously there were a bunch of other #sasstag worthy Amanda Bynes tweets but they are all too much for a non-Amanda-Bynes-themed #ICYMI. As per usual, I highly suggest you folllow and/or keep up with her.

Halle Berry is preggo!

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Nahla and Olivier, for proof of ultimate cuteness. (via)

I can pretty much guarantee her new baby is going to be the cutest thing this side of Suri Cruise. I mean…take a look at her daughter, Nahla. Halle’s kids obviously deserve to have it going on. And I know her children may not share a biological father, but have you seen Olivier Martinez? No need to worry.

The American Country Music Awards happened last night

I’ve said this before and I will say it again- anything that happens after the Oscars is irrelevant when it comes to awards. And also anything related to country music is irrelevant. I’m not sure why I’m even including this in In Case You Missed It, because you most definitely missed it.

-S

#taylorswift

It seems that Taylor Swift has taken the advice of every person in the world and has stopped flaunting her boy troubles oh so publicly (at least since the Grammys, right?). Maybe she’s been OK just doing the single thing for a bit– I could totally imagine her saying “I’m just working on me right now.” However, even though she hasn’t released any scathing singles in the last couple of weeks, someone very, very silly made up a rumor that T. Swift and Ed Sheeran were a thang.

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(via)

Even though I have absolutely no personal knowledge of this situation, I think that even if neither of them ever acknowledged this rumor, any person who doesn’t live under a rock (i.e. reads #sasstag on a daily basis) could reason it out on our own that it is not true. Just…no. And I’m not even saying that based on what the two look like together. Quickly skimming through Ed Sheeran’s Wikipedia page makes it clear as day that these two will never date.

1. He is 22 years old. That is four years older than her type. Girlfriend can’t be bringing up her average like that, especially with John and Jake being so very old.

2. He is about six million Twitter followers short of Harry Styles…and about 19 million short of TayTay herself. He hasn’t been in any Twilight movies. There are no Ed Sheeran pop-up shops in Times Square. Simply put, he is just not famous enough.

3. He is a singer/songwriter, which is (probably) terrifying to Taylor. If she ever actually dated him, she would obviously write a song about him once they broke up, and he would probably retaliate (and blow her song out of the water). I can’t even name a single song this man sings but I’m going to run with this scenario in my head. I know what you’re thinking- “Harry Styles is a musician too!” No, no…he is not. He is in One Direction.

Not that anybody really needed him to, but Ed has publicly denied the rumor.

-S

#grammys

10 Things I Learned From the 2013 Grammys

 

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(via)

 

1) Taylor Swift is still terrible

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(REUTERS/Mike Blake)

She let us know right off the bat with that god-awfully ridiculous opening performance. Of course, I expected it to be cliche and childish–just like her, but I was still hoping for something less stupid than that. What the hell did that silly circus set up have to do with anything? That made about as much sense as Nicki’s cray cray performance last year. I won’t even go into detail about how obnoxious she was during the rest of the show–waving her arms and singing along like damn fool. I want to see a birth certificate because there is no way this girl is over legal age. Adults don’t behave like this.

 

2) LLCool J really does not need to host next year

You know, good for him for landing this gig two years in a row, but I think his time is over now. Sure, it probably wasn’t his choice, but that Twitter talk was ridonkulous and why did anyone think we wanted to know that much about LL Cool J’s personal history with the Grammys? Did anyone else notice that all his “hashtag hashtag hashtag” foolery stopped about halfway through the show? Probably because someone actually got on Twitter and realized that the whole world thought he didn’t understand Twitter.

 

3) The producers need to be fired

What in god’s green Earth was up with those bizarre segues? Why did the show need to be THREE AND A HALF HOURS long? Why the hell were there so many country performances? Why wasn’t anyone under the age of 40 consulted on any part of this program? Why haven’t I been offered this job? These are serious, pressing questions people.

 

4) Miracle whip is stupid

The following interaction went down last night:

SHUT UP MIRACLE WHIP. You are disgusting and will never trick people into thinking that you taste like mayonnaise. Also, why are you trolling Twitter for references about Fun(PERIOD)? WHY DO YOU CARE SO MUCH ABOUT THAT SHITTY BAND, MIRACLE WHIP? Speaking of which…

 

5) Fun(PERIOD) is the worst thing to happen to the world

Chriiiiist they suck and their clothes are stupid and they have the most smack-able faces I’ve ever seen. Also, Rihanna did that whole “performing in the rain” thing already. Months ago. On X Factor. And she was better. PLUS they didn’t even thank Janelle Monáe in their acceptance speech when they won for the song she was featured on, because they are hipster assholes.

 

6) Justin Timberlake is making it worth the wait

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(REUTERS/Mike Blake)

Pusher Love Girl is errrrything. Even though he jacked Amy Winehouse’s entire set design, I loved it. Admittedly, I was a bit skeptical about his comeback–I don’t like being disappointed. But I should have known that with Hov’s approval, it couldn’t have been anything but great. He’s the baddest white boy in the game right now and is album isn’t even out yet.

 

7) No one gave a damn about the dress code

That dress code was stupid, hypocritical and sexist. I’m glad all the bad bitches just gave a big middle finger to CBS because whataretheygonnadoaboutit??

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(via Getty)

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Even Katy Perry gets props.

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(via Buzzfeed)

 

8) Jay-Z and Beyonce don’t give a fuck

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Beyonce rolls up in a jumpsuit because the he Grammys don’t deserve the honor of her squeezing herself into a fabulous gown.

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Meanwhile, Jay-Z uses his Grammy as a shot glass.

All hail the Carters.

 

9) The Grammys hate hip hop

I already knew this, but don’t just take my word for it. It’s well-documented that the Grammys have a bullshit history with hip hop and R&B. That was never more evident than last night. They had ONE hip hop performance–where they tried to squeeze in a tribute to one of the most important people in the genre–which they CUT OFF. It’s 2013. The Grammys need to get with it.

 

10) The Grammys don’t matter

Let’s be real–very little about this show makes sense. There are waaay too many categories and actual popular music is rarely recognized. Never forget that Kanye West lost the 2005 Best New Artist Award to Maroon 5 which shot down any credibly this organization had left. Oh yeah, and how Fun(PERIOD) won that same award this year even though they’ve been active since 2008 and released their first album in 2009. Cool, Grammys.

-K

#ICYMI

If you are a #sasstag reader, I assume you lead a really cool life. Which means that on the weekends, you are out of the house, doing fun and cultured things with your awesome friends. You don’t have time to stay updated on the happenings of Hollywood and/or the world between 5 PM on Friday and 9 AM on Monday. The easiest fix? Reading the new weekly In Case You Missed It post. Everything you need to have an opinion on before heading to the water cooler, every Monday morning. Enjoy!

Britney Spears broke up with her fiance

It’s (single) Britney, Bitch! Brit and Jason Trawick have ended their relationship, and with that, his title of “co-conservator” is also gone. We can only pray that this means we will be seeing a little more of Britney, because Jason was extremely overprotective. NOT a fan favorite. Maybe we’ll even get some new music out of this heartbreak!

Bey and Jay threw BIC a $200,000 birthday party

Taylor Armstrong’s $60,000 birthday for her daughter has nothing on this (bonus points to those who understand the reference). The Carters celebrated Blue Ivy’s first year of life by spending $95,000 on FLOWERS and overpaying for a bunch of other party merch, They also gave her a diamond encrusted Barbie as a gift, which costs $80,000. JUST A DAY IN THE LIFE.

Demi Moore is (allegedly) dating Lindsay Lohan’s ex

She’s really making a name for herself as a cougar, huh? Demi is now dating Harry Morton who is 31 years old (three years younger than Ashton Kutcher!) and used to date Lilo. His “type” is obviously emotionally troubled female celebrity (age is unimportant). With Taylor Swift getting a lot of press for her love of younger men, this relationship is the perfect power play for Demi to solidify her position as Cradle Robber #1.

Tina Fey and Amy Poehler rocked the Golden Globes

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(via)

…just like I said they would. First of all, they looked amazing. Everything they did and said was just incredible (especially Tina taking a nab at T.Swift for dating younger men). And despite the fact that Breaking Bad didn’t win anything or Jodie Foster’s speech being about 6 minutes too long, the Golden Globes were really good.  I think it’s safe to say nobody missed Ricky Gervais.

-S

 

#taylorswift

You know how they say that all good things come to an end? Well, it seems that all mediocre things come to an end too, because Taylor Swift and Harry Styles have broken off their romantic ties. Remember when she started dating him like…yesterday? I never thought it would last but considering her past relationship with an 18 year old made it through a whole summer and a stalkerish real estate transaction, I was giving them until at least the end of the month.

For someone who is pretty much at the opposite end of the Lindsay Lohan hot mess spectrum, it has been relatively difficult to keep up with Tay Tay. I have analyzed her romantic endeavors in my head quite a bit, and these are my conclusions:

The most obvious problem in her love life is her career. Which is pretty much everything there is about her, right? I imagine that any guy who decides to date her thinks he will be the one she won’t write a song about. Otherwise why would they even entertain the thought? Because Taylor is an enchanting, manipulative beast, and trying to protect yourself from public shame via a Top 40s radio station is probably really hard.

What would that conversation be like? Maybe he hints that he’d rather her not make a bajillion dollars off of any future heartbreak he contributes to, and she responds with “a song about you? Nooo, never!” but says so extremely sarcastically. He then asks her to clarify whether she is being serious or not and she just responds with an even more sarcastic “don’t be silly!” He ends up confused and wants to “play it cool” so the conversation pretty much ends.

One of Taylor’s other big issues is that she obviously doesn’t know how to have platonic male friends. Every person she is “spotted” with is someone who she ends up dating. The one male friend she has been publicly known to have is Justin Bieber, and I’m pretty sure the only reason those two haven’t dated is because Tay is also friends with Selena Gomez. She needs to go to the Disney lot and casually befriend some guys who already have girlfriends so she can learn what that is like.

Also, it wouldn’t hurt her to follow in the footsteps of more classy celebs (think Anne Hathaway) and date someone who has never had their name mentioned in Us Weekly. Or someone from the most famous political family in this country. I’m no expert, but I feel like if things haven’t been going well with her Gyllenhaals and her Lautners, she needs to try something new.

And for goodness sake, girlfriends needs to write a song about SOMETHING THAT IS NOT A BOY.

-S

 

 

#singlesday

The world needs to do me a favor and rewind to yesterday and then send me to China where they celebrated a glorious, made-up holiday called Singles Day. AKA every day of my life.

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Haven’t heard of the greatest holiday ever? Allow yourself to be schooled:

Singles Day was begun by Chinese college students in the 1990s as a version of Valentine’s Day for people without romantic partners. The timing was based on the date: Nov. 11, or “11.11″ — four singles. Unattached young people would treat each other to dinner or give gifts to woo that special someone and end their single status.

In particular, the day focuses on online shopping, officially making it the best holiday on the planet. Look, if I had to describe myself, “I’m single” and “I like to online shop” would EASILY be in the top five.

Singles Day is billed as “China’s answer to Cyber Monday,” except obviously WAY BETTER.

Can we get a Kickstarter or something to bring this farce of a holiday to our great nation? Of course, the day will be officially sponsored by #sasstag because DUH. However, before make that happen, I need to assign some ground rules to this day:

#sasstag Rules for Singles Day

  • If you’re single, you get a free bottle of Yellow Tail to drown your sorrows or get the party started.
  • Zara (especially the one on 5th avenue) is only open to single people.
  • For 24 hours, it is legal to smack anyone you see engaging in PDA, PARTICULARLY if they’re on the subway.
  • All slow dancing is banned–if you ain’t gonna twerk, it ain’t gonna work.
  • Taylor Swift isn’t allowed to participate because she’s an assault to the power of singleness and all who embrace it.

Other than that, my friends, enjoy Singles Day!

(via)

-K