Guys, what’s the deal with Taco Bell? Like, seriously. I need someone to explain the appeal because I don’t get it. Most Mexican food is already cheap and fast, why does Taco Bell need to make it cheaper and faster? That being said, I gotta hand it to Taco Bell, they are really cheap. Like, stupid, stupid, stupid, cheap. So, at least they know what their products are really worth.

Let me say that I’m not some sort of fast food snob. I get my McFlurry on. Wendy’s chicken nuggets? Yes please. But even I have some standards. I honestly cannot remember the last time I ate at Taco Bell. My best guess would be sometime around 2006.

Besides, there are plenty of fast food Mexican restaurants that spend more than five minutes worrying about the quality of their food. I’d also like to point out that I’m from the Northwest and we have Taco Time which is better than anything you can imagine.

Admittedly, there was time a in my distant youth when I remember being a big fan of this:

Because I wanted early onset diabetes, apparently.

Plus, Taco Bell always seems to be more concerned with the portability and design of their food rather than the taste and digestibility.

Anyway, not too long ago, Taco Bell introduced their Doritos Locos Tacos. (Which I so artfully acknowledged on my Tumblr because I’m hip ya’ll.)

So, that happened. This culinary Chernobyl consists of a Doritos taco shell, “ground beef”, shredded cheese, lettuce and “sour cream”. When I read that description I see: A salted salt cracker filled with salted meat and topped with salt in cream form. The reviews were actually fairly positive, if you like diarrhea.

That was bad enough. Now, we’re hearing that Taco Bell is going to introduce a new Doritos-flavored taco disaster, this time of the Cool Ranch variety, cleverly named the Cool Ranch Doritos Locos Tacos.

Here’s the thing, something about the Cool Ranch really rubs me wrong way. How often is ranch dressing part of Mexican food? Don’t you feel sicker when you eat an entire bag of Doritos Cool Ranch in one sitting versus the regular Doritos? (I mean, I would imagine. It’s not like I’ve actually done this. Duh.)

I think the main reason I find this so offensive is because I love Mexican food. LOVE. Well actually, I love guacamole and margaritas. I’d say that Shir and I spend about 60% of our time consuming those two things. Either way, I feel a certain kinship with our neighbor below and I’d like for its name to be able to maintain whatever dignity it has left in this country, despite everything Arizona is trying to do.