#ICYMI

If you are a #sasstag reader, I assume you lead a really cool life. Which means that on the weekends, you are out of the house, doing fun and cultured things with your awesome friends. You don’t have time to stay updated on the happenings of Hollywood and/or the world between 5 PM on Friday and 9 AM on Monday. The easiest fix? Reading our weekly In Case You Missed It post- the most important pop culture news roundup out there. Everything you need to have an opinion on before heading to the water cooler, every Monday morning. Enjoy!

 

Michael Jordan got married

So, it’s not a name we see in the tabloids a lot…but definitely worth mentioning because SPACE JAM WAS THE SHIT. Oh, and Michael Jordan was a really great athlete and blah blah blah. His second wedding had a casual 2,000 guests because he’s Michael Jordan and he doesn’t do small scale shit. Whatever.

Harry Styles, 19, is dating a 33 year old woman

Kimberly Stewart, to be exact. Yes, the daughter of Rod Stewart. Also, the sister of Sean Stewart- the youngin’ dating a recently divorced/cougared Adrienne Maloof. The Stewart family is really into the whole “age is just a number” thing, huh? The age difference might be cray but you can only go up from Taylor Swift, so more power to Harry with this one.

The White House Correspondents’ Dinner Happened

There is literally not a single other event in the world that I wish I could attend more. What is better than a bunch of awesome celebrities (minus Katy Perry on that awesome comment) hanging out with THE OBAMAS? I checked, and I doesn’t get much better than that.

Cory Monteith is out of rehab

I mean…if Amanda Bynes is the poor man’s version of Lindsay Lohan, I don’t even know what this is. Cory’s trip to rehab was so sudden and shocking, yet extremely underreported or talked about because nobody cares about Glee. It’s like they have their own celebrity sub-ecosystem in Hollywood or something. Anyways, he’s out and tweeting about how much he appreciated “the support” and whatnot.

 

#ICYMI

If you are a #sasstag reader, I assume you lead a really cool life. Which means that on the weekends, you are out of the house, doing fun and cultured things with your awesome friends. You don’t have time to stay updated on the happenings of Hollywood and/or the world between 5 PM on Friday and 9 AM on Monday. The easiest fix? Reading our weekly In Case You Missed It post- the most important pop culture news roundup out there. Everything you need to have an opinion on before heading to the water cooler, every Monday morning. Enjoy!
 

Chris Brown and Rihanna may have broken up

Breezy was asked during a radio interview whether he and RiRi were still dating and he said “the short answer is no.” He hasn’t really gone on any Twitter rants recently so I’m a bit skeptical he’s really on his own right now, but it would be very awesome if it was the truth. Except that Katy Perry and Rihanna will probably be friends again, so…

Justin Bieber’s monkey was detained at customs in Germany

justin bieber monkey

via Instagram

It is unclear why Justin has a monkey right now considering he cant even manage wearing pants properly lately, I really don’t think he should be caring for an exotic pet. But he does. And he travels with him internationally. Is this the teen pop sensation version of having a tiger?

Lindsay Lohan has been partying it up in Brazil

This is obviously the last thing she needs to be doing, but how was Lilo supposed to resist getting paid for doing pretty much anything at this point? She’s simply in no position. Rehab can wait! OH WAIT NO SHE NEEDS HELP.

Suri Cruise got the fugliest new bangs

No really, what the hell is this? I can’t believe Katie Holmes would let this happen to the one good thing in her life. When Suri grows up and sees this photo, she is never going to forgive her mom. And the world won’t blame her.

-S

#jessejames

The ultimate slime ball that is Jesse James has officially wed for the FOURTH time over the weekend. It seems that his wife, who he has known for approximately seven months, did not take Kara’s relationship advice seriously and stayed together with this serial knot-tier.  And then tied the knot with him.

His new bride, Alexis DeJoria, is clearly an idiot. Let’s go over what we, as in the entire public world, know about Jesse:

  • His Wikipedia page describes him as a “customizer,” so you know he has truly made it.jesse james
  • He has been married three times before this. Once to some rando, once to a porn star/stripper, and once to the beloved Sandra Bullock.
  • He has been engaged at least one other time, to Kat Von D. Well, at least twice, if you count the time they broke up and got re-engaged shortly afterwards. This relationship was a perfect example of how he gets serious with his girlfriends a little bit too quickly. I.E. they tattoo childhood portraits of him on their body, only to have them removed a few months later, post-breakup.
jesse james

via Instagram

  • He is a known cheater cheater pumpkin eater and sex addict so that’s always a good character trait to look for in a significant other!
  • He is an all around disgusting human being.

If you knew even just one of these things about this man, you would obviously be a fool to go anywhere near him. Well, this chick has no excused if things go sour because there is no way in hell anybody is letting her feign ignorance if when he cheats on her. I don’t know much about Alexis’ dating history so I cannot speculate too much about why any woman would submit to sharing a life with Jesse James, of all people. This is almost as bad as Tiger Woods and Lindsey Vonn except not at all because at least Tiger Woods was a respectable human being at some point in his life, which is something nobody can really claim about Jesse.

I’m going to go ahead and predict that this marriage will last about as long as their relationship, if that. Either way, eventually Jesse is just going to work through his cycle of being real serious with someone, marrying them within six months of meeting, cheating on them, and then divorcing. Alexis seems to be a lost cause as she is choosing not to learn from the mistakes of those who came before her. But at least the rest of us still can. Women of the world: please stop giving Jesse James the time of day.

-S

#relationshipadvice

Celebrity relationships are a funny, unable to ignore thanks to the media thing. I’m not saying I’m a relationship expert by any means, but clearly a few of you need some advice thrown in your direction because you’re all about to make mistakes that are glaringly obvious to the rest of us. Where would you be without me?

Jesse James

Celebrity relationships

(via)

Sandra Bullock’s shitty ex-husband is engaged to his girlfriend of six months and the couple is reportedly planning on marrying soon.

WHY DO WOMEN KEEP WANTING TO MARRY THIS MAN??? Another good question: Why does he keep asking women to marry him when he is CLEARLY incapable of operating within the bounds of marriage and fidelity?

The unlucky lady is one Alexis DeJoria, daughter of  John Paul DeJoria who is the co-founder of the Paul Mitchell line of hair-care products, the Patron Spirits Company and the House of Blues chain.

“Jesse’s always had a man crush on John Paul,” an insider tells Star. “And what better way to get close to him than to get hitched to his daughter?”

That is horrible, sick and wrong. Hey Alexis, this is the rest of the world telling you that this is far, far, far from a good idea. It could not possibly be further on the spectrum from a good idea. DO NOT DO THIS. We can cut Sandra some slack because I love her and because it was early on in his skeeze-bagness to know for sure. But now we have documented proof over and over and over again. Jesse James WILL cheat on you. Jesse James IS an awful person. Get out now. Jesse, this marriage and being a good guy thang ain’t for you. Stop trying.

 

Elin Nordegren

Celebrity relationships

(via)

Tiger Woods’ ex-wife is apparently dating Chris Cline, a 53 year-old billionaire. Sigh. Elin certainly has a type doesn’t she? The last guy she dated was conveniently the son of another billionaire. Girl, you need to go find yourself a hardworking teacher somewhere who will treat you right and always answer your phone calls on the first ring. I don’t think this dating obscenely rich guy thing is working well for you. Perhaps because many rich men play golf? (Am I reaching here?) Go take some advice from Beyonce and trying being a suga mama for awhile.

 

Miley Cyrus

celebrity relationships

(via)

Miley, you’re my girl and I’m rooting for your happiness which is why I’m not too upset about these reports that you and your fiance Liam Hemsworth have split up. If it’s true that your partying ways are too much for him, then YEAH I’m glad you’re dropping his ass. You are TWENTY years old. No need to live up the stereotype of your original name of Destiny Hope and be an underage bride. Go make trap music and dress like Rihanna’s punk rock little sister and hang out with rappers and have fun. Liam seems a bit on the boring side anyway so he’ll probably still be waiting when you’re done.

YOU ARE ALL VERY WELCOME.

-K

#taylorswift

It seems that Taylor Swift has taken the advice of every person in the world and has stopped flaunting her boy troubles oh so publicly (at least since the Grammys, right?). Maybe she’s been OK just doing the single thing for a bit– I could totally imagine her saying “I’m just working on me right now.” However, even though she hasn’t released any scathing singles in the last couple of weeks, someone very, very silly made up a rumor that T. Swift and Ed Sheeran were a thang.

taylor swift ed sheeran

(via)

Even though I have absolutely no personal knowledge of this situation, I think that even if neither of them ever acknowledged this rumor, any person who doesn’t live under a rock (i.e. reads #sasstag on a daily basis) could reason it out on our own that it is not true. Just…no. And I’m not even saying that based on what the two look like together. Quickly skimming through Ed Sheeran’s Wikipedia page makes it clear as day that these two will never date.

1. He is 22 years old. That is four years older than her type. Girlfriend can’t be bringing up her average like that, especially with John and Jake being so very old.

2. He is about six million Twitter followers short of Harry Styles…and about 19 million short of TayTay herself. He hasn’t been in any Twilight movies. There are no Ed Sheeran pop-up shops in Times Square. Simply put, he is just not famous enough.

3. He is a singer/songwriter, which is (probably) terrifying to Taylor. If she ever actually dated him, she would obviously write a song about him once they broke up, and he would probably retaliate (and blow her song out of the water). I can’t even name a single song this man sings but I’m going to run with this scenario in my head. I know what you’re thinking- “Harry Styles is a musician too!” No, no…he is not. He is in One Direction.

Not that anybody really needed him to, but Ed has publicly denied the rumor.

-S

#divorce

There now exists a Valentine’s Day divorce contest so that we can all be happy in our own ways tomorrow. I think it takes a pretty twisted person to think of an idea like this, but I guess nobody wants to be excluded from the commercialization of Valentine’s Day so it was only a matter of time before we saw something of this nature. I thought that Pizza Hut trying to get in on the “holiday” madness was absurd, but then a divorce lawyer from Michigan started this contest in which one lucky person can win a free divorce in honor of Valentine’s Day, so the pizza perfume seemed OK in comparison.

Wannabe divorcees shouldn’t get too excited just yet- this isn’t a free-for-all. To enter the contest, you must be a Michigan resident, and “the winner will be chosen based on the most compelling and convincing story as to why they should be the winner. The divorce is limited to an uncontested divorce with no or minimum child custody issues.” Also the applications were due by midnight last night so my bad for not giving anybody enough warning.

Walter H. Bentley, the mastermind lawyer behind all of this, says that more than 500 people have applied for the grand prize of legally unshackling themselves from the chains of their marriage. On the bright side, he isn’t really exploiting these people the way he could have by making it a social media popularity contest. That would be so awkward if they had to publicly post why they think they deserve to win, and the winner was chosen based on how many likes their post got.

But I digress. Really I just wanted to show you that there are so many fun, diverse ways one could celebrate Valentine’s Day- don’t limit yourself to a nice dinner or flowers- think outside the box! Maybe the perfect gift for your spouse is a divorce.

-S