#RHOBH

It has been a long time since we mentioned a Bravo television show on #sasstag, which is kind of a travesty because they ultimately inspired this blog. But I cannot go on like this any longer! I am still processing the events of the Real Housewives of Beverly Hills reunion that aired last night, made even more difficult due to the fact that I am also coping with the show being done. Writing a post about it is the only way to work through my feelings (I think this is a known form of therapy??). My love for many Bravo shows has faltered, but never RHOBH. Its delivers consistently and it’s just too damn good not to watch– the way New Jersey was before Danielle Staub said her goodbyes.

Things I liked about the RHOBH Season 3 reunion:

  • The Lisa-Yolanda-Brandi alliance seemed stronger than ever.
  • I’m really glad they brought up Yolanda’s horse. Even though she is a certified bo$$, her comment about not being able to afford another horse was almost as absurd as Adrienne thinking people in this world respect her.  Which leads me to my next favorite part….
  • ADRIENNE WASN’T THERE. We didn’t have to look at her fugly shimmering hair extensions or weird bangs except when they included her in video flashback thingies. I definitely could have done without those…
  • Oh, and Andy did an amazing job of calling out Ms. Maloof for being the biggest flake ever every chance he got and I LOVE HIM FOR IT. Girl is finally getting what she deserves.
  • Camille was absent. I know she’s no longer a housewife, but it was kind of hard to remember that at some points during this season because she was just as present and involved as she was when she was still a cast mate. And even though I don’t dislike her, she truly doesn’t bring much to the table in the form of opinions, so it’s better that we didn’t have to put up with listening to her fakely soft voice for even one minute.
  • Brandi, in typical badass bitch fashion, never lost her cool. I am beyond obsessed with this woman it is probably unhealthy OK bye.

Things I didn’t like about the RHOBH Season 3 reunion:

  • Adrienne wasn’t there. This was a bit of a double-edged sword, as I truly enjoyed not having to look at her…but it would have been all that much more dramatic.
  • I had trouble sleeping last night because my opinions of Kyle (and Mauricio!) are still pretty unclear. Life was much easier when she was the clear favorite.
  • It’s not OK that they didn’t bring up Dana Wilkey’s short cameo on the show. I know she is entirely insignificant and they had a lot of ground to cover, but I think we all would have appreciated if they at least acknowledged that it happened.
  • Nobody mentioned Faye Resnick’s terrible existence. I really would have liked to see Kyle’s face as she watched the clip of Faye walking over to the Brandi-Yolanda-Marisa conversation and made things extremely awkward for no reason other than to get attention. And then I would have liked for them to spend at least 10-15 minutes discussing how hypocritical and horrific she is.
  • It ended. Not OK. Bravo could make millions more off of this show if they just presented more and more footage that they obviously already have…why are they torturing us like this?!

Andy Cohen is a saint for being able to sit in the middle of all of this year after year. He should really be charged with solving world peace at this point. I can imagine it doesn’t get much harder than getting these women to settle down.

-S

#realitytelevision

It’s here guys. We’re only a few short weeks away from the premieres of some reality television programming that is hellbent on devolving our brains back to this stage of evolution:

Stages in human evolution

(via)

We all knew a Ryan Lochte reality show was unavoidable, but I’m not clear as to why we gave Ke$ha this opportunity. To be honest, I didn’t even realize Ke$ha was still making music, much less doing something worth filming, but there it is.

The lady with the studded head is bringing us “My Crazy Beautiful Life,” a title that she jacked from one of the seminal early onset hipster films of my generation.

Meanwhile, Ryan Lochte compares himself to some people’s Lord and Savior by forcing us to ask: “What Would Ryan Locthe Do?” There may not be any need to watch this one because I think I already have the answer to that conundrum: Something dumb. Something really, really dumb.

It’s hard to tell which show will be worse, but I will make an attempt by evaluating each on some of the most important tenants of reality television programming.

Vanity

ryan lochte reality show

Mom selfie. Mom. Selfie.

Kesha selfie

Cool, Ke$ha. What an excellent contribution to the internet. She gets extra points for the slightly more obnoxious mirror selfie.

Point: Ke$ha (We have apparently also learned that putting your arm in the air makes every selfie better?)

 

Weird Faces

Ryan Lochte Reality Show

Ryan Lochte seems to spend 57% of his life in a haze of confusion (TOO MUCH TIME UNDERWATER). I imagine that this is every episode in a nutshell.

Kesha chair

Surprisingly, Ke$ha doesn’t really come hard with the weird faces. I guess she just relies on the singing weird noises coming out of her mouth.

Point: Ryan by a mile 

 

Tears

Kesha crying

Seems like you’re in for a good amount of tears from this lil lady. But you know what? Life is rough. And if I were Ke$ha, I’d probably spend a lot of time crying as well. No judgement here.

The only tears in Ryan Locthe’s show will spring from your television as it begs for mercy to be relieved from the pain of having to broadcast this absurdity.

Point: Ke$ha 

 

Fashion

ryan lochte reality show

Ryan’s style asethic is Blind Uber Bro With Too Much Money. This is literally the worst style aesthetic to ever mainfest itself on the face of Earth

Kesha fashion

At least Ke$ha hired a creative stylist has some creativity, no matter how much she continues to abuse glitter and conventional taste and sanity.

Point: Ryan 

 

Alcohol consumption

ryan lochte reality show

Shots out of plastic condiment containers…. versus:

Kesha drinking

Swigs of Jack Daniels straight from the bottle.

Point: Let’s just call this one a draw

 

Dating

ryan lochte reality show

From what I can gather, Ryan Lochte’s intrepid dating life will be a major focus of this fine programming. I would say hide your daughters, but really you should just hide your dumb daughters because the rest of us know better.

Kesha guy

Ke$ha likes guys with giant beards so there’s probably no coming back from that.

 Point: Ryan

 

The exact moment when you lose faith in humanity

For Ke$ha, I’d say it’s somewhere between this:

Kesha blood

and this:

Kesha stage

Just mediate for a moment on the number of people who paid actual human dollars to be subjected to the above spectacle.

For Ryan, it’s around this point:

ryan lochte reality show

TO WHICH HE REPLIED: Describe “player.”

LE SIGH SIGH SIGH LE SIGH SIGH SMH SMH SMDH KMWACB*!!!!

Point: I really can’t pick

Too close to call folks! Guess you’re just going to have to hate-watch both shows along with me.

-K

*Kill Me With A Chicken Beak

#bretmichaels

I am quite skeptical of any competitive reality TV show that has the word “Celebrity” at the beginning of its title. You should be too. Obviously they do not feature actual celebrities, which is what I call a waste of time– give me real celebrities or give me death. This is why I have a hard time imagining why a show like Celebrity Apprentice even exists.1 And not only does it exist, it has had enough seasons that they now have an All-Star version of the show. Because obviously anybody who is enough of a fame whore to agree to be on Donald Trump’s show once will do it again.

The most severe case of this is Bret Michaels, who was just “fired” by Trump on his show, after winning the show the previous time he appeared on it. Not only was he the first to go, he allegedly had a complete meltdown on his way out.

This man:

 

was in tears over being fired and told off by one of the only men in America with a more ridiculous appearance than his own. Apparently he was truly inconsolable over being axed from the show, because he believed he was going to win a second time. Donald said to him that “Deep down psychologically it is awfully hard for me to pick you again as a winner. That is why it was incredulous to me that you came back.” I don’t know much about Bret Michaels, nor do I care to, but for the record…if someone looking like this

.
told me I didn’t have to work for them anymore, the only tears coming out of my eyes would be purely due to elation and being generally overjoyed.

Why are people- both television producers and faux celebs- giving Donald Trump more airtime than he already gets every time he is interviewed for something?

-S

#lorddisick

He may not be getting a spinoff on E! their TV channel anytime soon, but Scott Disick has been given a show and an audience on E!’s website.

I would like to introduce you to Lord Disick, the lifestyle website of Mr. Kourtney Kardashian. For those of you who don’t know, Scott suffers from delusions of grandeur often associated with being part of the Kardashian Klan for an extended period of time. It’s like a contact high for your ego. He has recently “rebranded” himself as Lord Scott Disick. I have no idea why, though, because he is the last person on earth I keep up with and I don’t care to do too much research because I don’t need to know all the details to know that this is ridiculous.

 

 

The lifestyle website is home to his new web series, known as Lord Disick: Lifestyles of a Lord. The first installment of what I am sure is going to become an extremely consistent source of amusement for me is titled “A Man’s Car is His Castle,” because duh. In it, he discusses the cars every lord needs in his manor. A family car, and one that is the opposite of a family car and makes you feel like you’re on a yacht.

 

 

This is all very riveting,  but he does not manage to truly capture my attention until he says that Kim “likes her cars like she likes her men.” And even though I must give him credit for being oh so clever when showing us Kimmie’s black Rolls Royce Ghost, he is certifiably the least articulate lord in the history of lordship. The last thing I would want is to somehow contribute to these people’s bank accounts, but I do urge you to visit the website and sit through the annoying ads so you can experience LOAL for yourself (side note: is that the hashtag we are committing to? #LOAL? You never know with these things). So please go do that now and report back to me.

I hope he follows up his car episode with these topics:

1. How to marry rich without actually tying the knot

2. Turn your kids into cash: how much can you really get from those tabloids for your baby’s first photos?

3. Business tips: How to make millions when your sex tape “leaks” and other things I learned from my Baby Mama’s family

4. #LOAL Investigates: A Lord’s view Social Media: How I Became The Biggest Douchebag on Twitter

I guess at first I thought that it was silly that he has this web series, but now I realize that we actually all have something to learn from him. I’m currently investigating ways to submit ideas to the show’s producers because I think Scott Lord Disick will LOVE addressing these topics.

-S

#lindsaylohan

There are rumors that Lindsay Lohan may be joining the cast of the UK’s Celebrity Big Brother when the new season begins tomorrow.

Unfortunately, there are few people in this world who appreciate the sheer amazingness of Big Brother. But I am one of them. My obsession with it has helped me realize why Lindsay Lohan appearing on Celebrity Big Brother would be the best thing ever:

  1. She actually has a good chance of winning. All of the other house guests would probably start getting cabin fever a few days in, but she has been on house arrest so many times, the fact that she is confined to one house for several months wouldn’t even register as an issue for her.
  2. Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt will be on the show. HEIDI AND SPENCER. AND LILO. In the same house, all of the damn time. The amount of potential drama is making me more anxious than anybody should be about something like this. But good anxious.
  3. She would for sure engage in a showmance for the books. And because this is “Celebrity” Big Brother, and not just regular old Big Brother, Lilo and the D-lister she chooses to get busy with will be making headlines on the regs. Which means more people will watch BB to see what it is all about, and I would feel way less weird about how much I love it.
  4. There would be a live stream of everything going on in the house available to watch AT ALL TIMES. I realize that sounds kind of creepy, but really its awesome and just a whole lot of low-cost entertainment for everybody else. It is the benefits of everything listed above, but in real time. This is true of every BB season, but it would be a million times better since Lindsay is involved.
  5. In the same vein, everything Linsday does will be caught on camera. There will be no more “she hit me with her car!” “No I didn’t!” type action from her and people she comes in contact with.
  6. And, speaking of which…she’ll be off the road, which means everybody can feel safer in their cars.

Essentially, I think that Lindsay Lohan going on the UK’s Celebrity Big Brother is a win-win for her and the universe. If this turned out to be true, it would be like a really nice gift from the pop culture gods.

Keep your fingers crossed!

-S

#kardashians

They’ve done it again, you guys. The Kardashians have released their over the top Christmas card.

Here are my twelve questions/thoughts/concerns about this, one for every day of Christmas (I don’t get how that works considering everyone I know only celebrates for one day, but there is a song about there being 12 days so just go with it):

  1. Rob is taking up about twice as much space as everyone else in the photo, which is weird considering they’ve made it clear he is about half as important as the daughters.
  2. Bruce and Kris are not doing a good job of fighting off those divorce rumors when they’re sitting six people apart from one another.
  3. Whoever told Kim to slick back her hair is probably “never working in this town again.”
  4. Please note Khloe’s butt extending past Kourtney’s head. Just look at that. I don’t even think she’s sticking it out!
  5. Is Kylie’s pop of red on the sole of her Louboutin heels her little way of rebelling? Or is allowing her to stick out a little bit more supposed to make her feel better about the fact that she’ll never have a modeling career like Kendall?
  6. Speaking of Kendall, what is going on with that side non-boob?
  7. Mercy, Kim’s former kat, is subtly in the shot. Which is weird because a) Kim gave the kitteh away soon after getting her because she was allergic, and b) Mercy has since passed away (RIP). A little photoshopping could have taken care of this quite easily.
  8. Scott definitely has his Lord Disick face on.
  9. It looks like Penelope was realizing in the exact moment the photo was taken how absurd the family she was born into truly is.
  10. Where does Mason get his highlights? They look bangin’.
  11. Lamar is still the best.
  12. HOW THE HELL DID KIM LET THIS PHOTO HAPPEN WITHOUT KANYE BEING IN IT????!!!!!??!?!?!

-S