Some brilliant young soul started a We the People petition to officially change our national anthem from “The Star Spangled Banner” to R Kelly’s “Ignition (Remix)” and I for one am SO DOWN WITH THIS.

Ignition (Remix)


A number of excellent points are made for this change:

America has changed since Francis Scott Key penned our current anthem in 1814. Since then, we have realized that after the show, it’s the afterparty, and that after the party, it’s the hotel lobby, and–perhaps most importantly–that ’round about four, you’ve got to clear the lobby, at which point it’s strongly recommended that you take it to the room and freak somebody.

Ignoring for a moment, the actual violent uprising that would commence if a black president even glanced in the direction of this, I have decided to throw my official endorsement behind this great struggle.

6 Reasons To Support the Change of our national anthem to “Ignition (Remix)”



1) More musicians will get a chance

The fact that Rick Ross will probably never be able to perform his rendition of our national anthem keeps me up at night. Can you imagine the majestic insanity of Kanye West performing “Ignition (Remix)” at Hillary Clinton’s inauguration in four years?

In general, this change opens up the opportunity to sing the national anthem to a much broader talent base. “The Star Spangled Banner” is hard as shit to sing. Even seemingly good singers can’t handle it. Let’s level the playing field, shall we? It’s America after all.

Take the Super Bowl, for example. Look at the performers from the last ten years and see if their performances would have been made better by singing “Ingition (Remix)” instead of ”The Star Spangled Banner”:

2003: Dixie Chicks- Better

2004: Beyonce- Better

2005: Combined choirs of the U.S. Military Academy, the U.S. Naval Academy,
the U.S. Air Force Academy- Way Better

2006: Aaron Neville and Aretha Franklin- Better

2007: Billy Joel-Better

2008: Jordin Sparks- Better

2009: Jennifer Hudson-Better

2010: Carrie Underwood-Worse

2011: Christina Aguilera- Better

2012: Kelly Clarkson- Better

2013: Alicia Keys-Better

See that! 9/10. Boom

(Side note: DAMN American Idol has this shit on lockdown, yo.)


2) R Kelly pumps up a crowd much better than Francis Scott Key

Think about it. How many times do you hear the national anthem outside of a professional sporting event? This is our battle song! It needs to get the crowd and the players amped up and ready to defend the honor of this great nation. Besides, it seems like all Americans care about now anyway is football–which he mentions in the song!


3) This lyricism


Ignition (Remix)

Cristal poppin in the stretch Navigator
We got food every where
As if the party was catored



4) The instrumental version

Let’s be real, the instrumental version of “The Star Spangled Banner” is boooorring. I don’t know why they even subject people to that anymore. However, the instrumental version of “Ignition (Remix)”?

Pretty much just as good as the original. You don’t even need to hear the word “bounce” to know that RIGHT ABOUT NOW, IT IS TIME TO BOUNCE BOUNCE BOUNCE BOUNCE BOUNCE BOUNCE BOUNCE BOUNCE BOUNCE BOUNCE


5) The international community would thank us

Take the Olympics: We win all the medals anyway. You know all the other countries would much rather hear this. I believe this song has the potential to make the rest of the world like–nay, love–us again.


6) It speaks to our times

R Kelly ended his masterpiece with this line: We just thuggin it out…

That’s basically the 2013 Twitter-talk equivalent of “O’er the land of the free and the home of the brave.” It’s the most American thing I’ve ever heard. This speaks to the Instagramers and Snapchatters of today. At least this way they’ll finally know all the worlds to the national anthem.


All that being said, if this doesn’t work out, I’ll be starting a new petition to change the national anthem to the next best choice: “Pony” by Ginuwine.



This past weekend, I was catching up on some podcasts and finally got around to NPR’s Wait Wait…Don’t Tell Me! and there was a really insignificant part about a weird R. Kelly lyric. It had nothing to do with the show, but it got me thinking about the creature that is Robert Sylvester Kelly. Even though Ignition (Remix) is pretty damn great, the man behind it is just too weird for words. I have always been aware of his sheer ridiculousness, as he does very little to hide it (regardless of whether he thinks he is trapped in a closet and whatnot, the public knows whats up). But when I really looked at his musical accomplishments (talking about rape charges is a bit heavy for #sasstag), I was actually shocked he made it anywhere in the music industry. I will only explore a small portion of his career in this post, as it would be far too overwhelming to dig any deeper than song titles at first, but I believe that even this superficial examination of R. Kelly as an artist will get my point across.

Photo via The Guardian

Notable Song Titles (favorites in bold):

  • “Hump Bounce”
  • “Baby, Baby, Baby, Baby, Baby…” (That is actually the official title! Like…what?!?!)
  • “Religious Love”
  • “I Like the Crotch On You”
  • “Sex Planet”
  • “Half on a Baby” (Not at all a typo. What could this possibly mean/represent?)
  • “The Greatest Sex”
  • “Feelin’ On Yo Booty”
  • “Put My T-Shirt On”
  • “Sex Weed” (Is that a thing?)
  • “Havin’ a Baby”
  • “Be My #2″
  • “Pregnant”

HOW DID THIS MAN MAKE ANY MONEY??? I just can’t get the concept of him being taken seriously by record execs through my head. He has only had a handful of good songs that are inspirational and nothing like the ones listed above it just doesn’t make sense that they were all written and recorded by the same person.

I thought the music industry only started reaching its downfall with the rise of the internet and illegal downloads and stuff, but it seems that R. Kelly has been around since 1989. So really, after my research, I think music died a long time ago.



People will not shut up about Chris Brown. His recent success at the Grammys really pissed everyone off. I feel like at this point the public just hates him just because it gives us something to do.

And just a couple of days ago, this picture became a top story on Twitter, accompanied by the words “#CheckYouOut Michael Vick How does it feel now that the tables have turned”:

Will these two men, who were both arguably at the top of their fields before their extremely public downfalls, ever be able to fully regain society and have successful, public careers? I am by no means equating domestic abuse with animal abuse. But the lesser of two evils is still evil. And years later, they are both still nursing their tarnished reputations.

Lets recap:

Michael Vick-

Vick was a star football player in high school and college, and was drafted to the NFL’s Atlanta Falcons, where he played for six seasons. He broke many a record during this time, and was continually regarded as a star player. In 2007, Vick was connected to an illegal dog-fighting ring, and was suspended from the NFL. When this news came out, it seemed that there weren’t enough media outlets to cover the commotion surrounding Michael Vick’s wrongdoing. If you weren’t on the Vick hate train, you were a monster. Which is understandable, as it is very hard to come to the defense of someone who fessed up to his horrendous wrongdoings.

What happened to him? He got dropped by sponsors. He filed for bankruptcy. He went to jail. The usual.

Exactly two years after his initial guilty plea, Vick signed a contract with the Philadelphia Eagles. His 21 months in prison seemed to do nothing to his ability to perform on the field. He was just as capable as before, scoring major points for his team and winning several awards from within the world of the NFL as well as from major media outlets. Vick has also renewed his contract with the Eagles, this time for $100 million over a six-year period. All it took was a two-year hiatus for him to go back to his comfortable life as a professional athlete. Nike has even taken him back on as an athlete due to his post-prison accomplishments.

Chris Brown-

Youngin’ Chris Brown made his debut in the music world in 2005 when he was just 16 years old. His first album went double platinum. Not small potatoes, clearly. He released two more successful albums in the three years following that. In February of 2009, he turned himself in to the LAPD for domestic violence against his then girlfriend, Rihanna.

What happened to him? His music was no longer played on the radio. He was uninvited from performing at the Grammys.

Chris Brown was given somewhat of a second chance in June 2010 when he was invited to perform his new single on Good Morning America. After being questioned about the Rihanna incident and her restraining order against him, he became angry and violent in his dressing room, leading people to believe he had not made much progress during his court-ordered domestic violence counseling. He has since released another successful album and has been publicly forgiven by Rihanna  (whatever that means).

Here we are, three years later. At last week’s Grammys, Brown was nominated in three categories and took the prize in one of them. He also was one of the performers during “music’s biggest night,” which all seems to add up to a pretty successful comeback.

Or so he thought. Not only was the public outraged by his general presence at the awards show, many of his fellow artists were open about their dismay at his inclusion in the event. Several tweets from celebs both in attendance and from home managed to “kill” him on Twitter, causing “RIP Chris Brown” to start trending worldwide.

I suppose when people seek out a life of fame and fortune, they open themselves up to scrutiny from every single angle. I am just confused as to why the public is so quick to forgive and forget with some celebrities, but drag their resentment out against others.

Nicolas Cage has notorious anger issues and has been arrested for roughing up his wife. He made a short cameo on SNL two weeks ago and released a huge movie last Friday. Christian Bale physically attacked his mother and his sister, with no obvious harm done to his career considering he is still starring in Hollywood blockbusters every year. These are just two examples of people who seem to have “been forgiven” by the public (well, maybe everyone still hates Nic Cage, but that has nothing to do with his assault charges).

I am not saying we should forgive Chris Brown or let Michael Vick off the hook for what they did, but a lot of time has passed, and rehashing the situations doesn’t seem to get us anywhere. What they did is still wrong. But, all in all, they are talented individuals who are good at what they do. I don’t think people should be upset because Chris Brown got a Grammy. It is an award based on quality of work, not morals. R. Kelly was nominated for a Grammy in the same category as Brown, and he has a very troubling relationship with the law/children under the age of 16- would the backlash be this strong if he had won instead?