#taylorswift

It seems that Taylor Swift has taken the advice of every person in the world and has stopped flaunting her boy troubles oh so publicly (at least since the Grammys, right?). Maybe she’s been OK just doing the single thing for a bit– I could totally imagine her saying “I’m just working on me right now.” However, even though she hasn’t released any scathing singles in the last couple of weeks, someone very, very silly made up a rumor that T. Swift and Ed Sheeran were a thang.

taylor swift ed sheeran

(via)

Even though I have absolutely no personal knowledge of this situation, I think that even if neither of them ever acknowledged this rumor, any person who doesn’t live under a rock (i.e. reads #sasstag on a daily basis) could reason it out on our own that it is not true. Just…no. And I’m not even saying that based on what the two look like together. Quickly skimming through Ed Sheeran’s Wikipedia page makes it clear as day that these two will never date.

1. He is 22 years old. That is four years older than her type. Girlfriend can’t be bringing up her average like that, especially with John and Jake being so very old.

2. He is about six million Twitter followers short of Harry Styles…and about 19 million short of TayTay herself. He hasn’t been in any Twilight movies. There are no Ed Sheeran pop-up shops in Times Square. Simply put, he is just not famous enough.

3. He is a singer/songwriter, which is (probably) terrifying to Taylor. If she ever actually dated him, she would obviously write a song about him once they broke up, and he would probably retaliate (and blow her song out of the water). I can’t even name a single song this man sings but I’m going to run with this scenario in my head. I know what you’re thinking- “Harry Styles is a musician too!” No, no…he is not. He is in One Direction.

Not that anybody really needed him to, but Ed has publicly denied the rumor.

-S

#taylorswift

You know how they say that all good things come to an end? Well, it seems that all mediocre things come to an end too, because Taylor Swift and Harry Styles have broken off their romantic ties. Remember when she started dating him like…yesterday? I never thought it would last but considering her past relationship with an 18 year old made it through a whole summer and a stalkerish real estate transaction, I was giving them until at least the end of the month.

For someone who is pretty much at the opposite end of the Lindsay Lohan hot mess spectrum, it has been relatively difficult to keep up with Tay Tay. I have analyzed her romantic endeavors in my head quite a bit, and these are my conclusions:

The most obvious problem in her love life is her career. Which is pretty much everything there is about her, right? I imagine that any guy who decides to date her thinks he will be the one she won’t write a song about. Otherwise why would they even entertain the thought? Because Taylor is an enchanting, manipulative beast, and trying to protect yourself from public shame via a Top 40s radio station is probably really hard.

What would that conversation be like? Maybe he hints that he’d rather her not make a bajillion dollars off of any future heartbreak he contributes to, and she responds with “a song about you? Nooo, never!” but says so extremely sarcastically. He then asks her to clarify whether she is being serious or not and she just responds with an even more sarcastic “don’t be silly!” He ends up confused and wants to “play it cool” so the conversation pretty much ends.

One of Taylor’s other big issues is that she obviously doesn’t know how to have platonic male friends. Every person she is “spotted” with is someone who she ends up dating. The one male friend she has been publicly known to have is Justin Bieber, and I’m pretty sure the only reason those two haven’t dated is because Tay is also friends with Selena Gomez. She needs to go to the Disney lot and casually befriend some guys who already have girlfriends so she can learn what that is like.

Also, it wouldn’t hurt her to follow in the footsteps of more classy celebs (think Anne Hathaway) and date someone who has never had their name mentioned in Us Weekly. Or someone from the most famous political family in this country. I’m no expert, but I feel like if things haven’t been going well with her Gyllenhaals and her Lautners, she needs to try something new.

And for goodness sake, girlfriends needs to write a song about SOMETHING THAT IS NOT A BOY.

-S

 

 

#taylorswift

This.

WHAT is going on here? What is Taylor doing and who is letting her do it? Just, WHAT? Does she think being inside of a tattoo parlor makes her cool? Well maybe if she was posing with someone who didn’t recently lose his legal status of a “minor,” she would gain some street cred for this picture. Alas, her new boyfriend is several years younger than her, so that is not the case.

Basically, Taylor broke up with Conor Kennedy, who she was “in love” with, and started dating Harry Styles from One Direction a hot second later. Like, two weeks ago. Who knows. Oh, and don’t worry, she didn’t have to retire her title of “Youngest Cougar in Showbiz,” because Harry is a whopping 18 years old, just like Conor.

She recently chaperoned her new boytoy to get his latest tattoo, which eerily resembles a tattoo that the main man in her latest music video, “I Knew You Were Trouble,” has.

Well, sort of. It doesn’t matter. What matters is that if you don’t look too closely, the tattoos are identical, and oh SHE IS DATING AN EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD so if I say it’s ridiculous, it’s ridiculous. The fact that she is even in this photo with Harry at the tattoo shop is only one step away from breaking my rule of never getting a tattoo that has anything to do with a significant other.

Also, not that I really understand her dating strategy, but how do make this type of downgrade in your life without hating yourself forever?

Girl needs to stop flaunting her relationships with this baby, stat. Even though Taylor clearly thinks that being a cougar might look cool, it is in fact quite uncool and will eventually make her have a breakdown a la Demi Moore because these things are just too good to be true.

Seriously though, I know she’s an “adult” and everything, but where are her parents and why aren’t they stopping her from making a fool out of herself? I hear more about Jennifer Aniston’s mom than I do about Taylor’s, and Jen is a good twenty years older than TayTay.

-S

P.S.- The video in itself requires an entire #sasstag post, but I don’t think I am capable of such an undertaking. Maybe Kara will step up to the task? Either way, you should watch it and hate it.

#justinbieber

The Biebs has a new video out y’all for “Beauty and a Beat” and at this point, I feel like I should just write about every video from this album because YOLO FROYO NOHO OHNO.

We all know that Justin is a boy genius of sorts. He and Jimmy Neutron even have the same haircut!

But he really outdid himself here. Earlier in the week, he broke the news that some of his personal belongings had been stolen at an arena outside MY HOMETOWN of all places:

Well here’s the thing folks, WE DONE BEEN GOT. The whole thing was actually a prank/PR stunt which he slyly revealed right before the video dropped:

What a sneaky beaver Beibeler.

Now, my every thought while watching the “Beauty and a Beat” video because what else are you doing with your time?

0:01

OH SNAP Biebs fooled us!

0:46

I know it says he did, but I feel like he did not actually shoot this video because that seems kind of impossible and cameras are very heavy and I worry about his upper arm strength.

0:50

It looks like this video is taking place at some sort of teen club/resort in Tampa. Truly the influence of Magic Mike is deeper than we’ll ever fully realize.

0:57

It is night-time and everyone is in a bikini. So there’s that. I HOPE THESE GIRLS ARE KEEPING WARM! Because I don’t think appearing in a Justin Bieber music video is worth getting pneumonia.

1:05

SYNCHRONIZED SWIMMERS! OLYMPICS MEMORIES!! I LOVE THEM? YES I DO.

1:06

“We gonna party like it’s 3012 tonight.” Ugh

1:15

The ladies in this video are at least five years older than every girl from his past videos. Justin is now surrounded by women who have reached puberty and I worry about how he’s handling it.

1:21

WHOA that is a girl….scantily clad…dancing on a stage…next to a pole. Not exactly a stripper but DAMN that’s a little close for comfort for the Bieber brand.

1:40

Oh guyzzz, it was SO nice that the boys from One Direction agreed to dance in Justin’s video. #teenagedreamboatsolidarity

1:47

Why is he in a button-up while everyone else is in swimwear? IS THIS A NEW TREND? Should I start dress inappropriately for social functions?

1:52

HE’S WEARING HIS EXPENSIVE SNEAKERS IN THE POOL BECAUSE HE IS JUSTIN DREW BIEBER AND HE DOESN’T GIVE A FUCK.

2:06

Whatever lipstick these ladies are wearing, I NEED. If it can stay on through their dip in the pool, then it can stay on through my onion dip and cookie dough binge. (I EAT THEM SEPARATELY DUH BECAUSE I’M NOT AN ANIMAL)

2:13

Justin’s hair is looking very Same Name Timberlake circa 1998. I’ve harped on JB for looking a bit too feminine at times but even I have to admit: Homeboy’s eyebrows are ON POINT.

2:23

My beautiful swimming angels are back and I love these bitches. Aqualillies foreverzzz.

2:43

Justin’s team really likes superimposing fake video onto real electronic devices. Remember that giant iPhone from the Boyfriend video?

2:51

This entire video looks like it was made in the 90s and I mean that in the best way possible.

2:56

Justin has the longest arm in the world.

2:57

Real talk: I only just now realized that this is a water park because I don’t frequent water parks because I don’t like foot fungus and lines.

3:06

At first glance, this is a really inappropriate outfit for a swim park but maybe she’s just following Justin’s lead? ALSO Nicki is rocking a hair color that’s actually found in nature, so snaps for that.

3:15

This is bringing to light the true rachetness that is her verse on this song. That Selene-r line probably killed the English language.

3:28

JUSTIN IS GRINDING WITH A GROWN LADY. A GROWN LADY WITH TWO PINK FUR BALLS ON HER CHESTORAL REGION.

3:39

Is this water park a real place? Is this an elaborate clue that the Bieber Blue Lagoon is coming to a town near you? Seriously though, his arm is crazy long. Must be how he takes such great selfies.

Wow guys, that was an experience and I know you’re probably still coming down from it all but we can’t ignore what is clearly the most important thing about this video: Kevin Hart loves it.

-K

#vmas

MTV. Video. Music. Awards. Everyone’s favorite award show from middle school is fast approaching. Every Thursday until the 2012 VMAs I’ll pick two categories, watch all the nominated videos and give you my thoughts and predictions, because why WOULDN’T I give you my opinion?

Best Electronic Dance Music Video

Duck Sauce, “Big Bad Wolf”

There was clearly not a single woman involved in the concept development for this video. Also, this is the first I’m hearing of these Duck Sauce characters and I’m not sure I like where their heads are at, LITERALLY. Also, imagine being the actors who play the genital/head things. GREAT RESUME BOOSTER GUYS.

Calvin Harris, “Feel So Close”

You know how this song will be playing in the background at a bar or restaurant  and it takes you awhile to notice that it’s even playing? Yeah, the video is kinda like that.

Skrillex, “First of the Year (Equinox)”

The child-child-molester-torturer again! I am not a Skrillex fan, to say the least, but this video is kiiind of making me a fan of this song. And I hate pedophiles, so there’s that.

The Wanted, “Glad You Came”

Oh, the Wanted. You may not be as familiar with them, but they’re basically an older, more British version of One Direction for women of legal age who don’t want to feel skeezy for liking teenager boys. That is the extent to which I care about explaining them or this video.

Martin Solveig, “The Night Out”

I must have missed the part of this video that qualifies it to be the “best” anything.

Avicii, “Le7els”

Boring white guy dances alll CUHHH-RAAAZY again.

Who I want to win: Skrillex, “First of the Year (Equinox)”
Who should win: Skrillex, “First of the Year (Equinox)”
Who will win: The Wanted, “Glad You Came”

Best New Artist

Fun. feat. Janelle Monae, “We Are Young”

I’ve come to appreciate this video a bit more the second time around. Still doesn’t look like fun though. Beee tee dubs, Janelle Monae is a goddess.

Carly Rae Jepsen, “Call Me Maybe”

This is so weird, I’ve never even heard of this song before. It’s not like it’s the most annoyingly overplayed and overhyped song ever in existence. SO WEIRD, RIGHT? I don’t actually dislike this song that much but good lord, it’s time for something new Carly. Speaking of Carly, I never noticed how much of a Zooey Deschanel thing she’s got going on. For the sake of being nice(er), I won’t elaborate on that.

Frank Ocean, “Swim Good”

He’s quite obviously the best new artist of this bunch (“new” being extraordinarily subjective) but the video is a little “meh”. It’s artsy, it’s brooding, it relates to the song without being too literal. Unfortunately, most things Frank Oceans does now will probably be fairly anti-climatic in the aftermath of “the letter“.

One Direction, “What Makes You Beautiful”

LOOK AT ALL THOSE CHINOS. There is literally nothing else that’s interesting or creative about this video. Unrelated yet, totally related: How long do you think it takes for them to all get their hair did?

The Wanted, “Glad You Came”

Ughh they’re back so I guess I need to say more. Since the Wanted is older and sexxier, they get to do older, sexy things with sexy people in Ibiza. That is literally it.

Who I want to win: Frank Ocean, “Swim Good”
Who should win: Fun. feat. Janelle Monae, “We Are Young”
Who will win: Carly Rae Jepsen, “Call Me Maybe”

-K

#trendingtopics

Each week we take a look at what was trending on Twitter and provide some deep and meaningful insight. Or we just bitch about it.

August 11th-August 17th

  • Jennifer Aniston

When: 8/12

Why: America’s favorite single gal is now engaged to a man

Shir: What more can I say other than FINALLY??!!! I am quite excited for Jen as I have been on #teamaniston since day one. Nobody likes a home wrecker, and it’s hard to stay quiet about that stuff, but Ms. Aniston didn’t even bat an eyelash at Angelina Jolie, and you have to respect that. No matter how hot Angelina Jolie may be. Congrats!

Kara: Unlike Shir, I’ve always been #teamangelina. Still, you know what? Good for her. I’ve never been a big Jennifer Aniston fan but maybe now everyone will shut the hell up about her love life. Although I do kinda wish she had just stayed single and fabulous forever, thereby giving a big F U to society’s heteronormative assumptions, but…whatevs. I can’t hate on an event that serves cake.

  • Miley Cyrus

When: 8/13

Why: Hannah Montana gets a very polarizing new haircut

Shir: I already addressed my feelings regarding this new look. I would like to use this opportunity to clarify that I do not hate Miley’s hair cut, I am simply concerned that she is about to have a mental breakdown of Britney Spears proportions. Id hate to say “I told you so” about this one…but let’s just wait and see.

Kara: GUYS Miley is FINE. Going to a celebrity stylist and getting an edgy pixie haircut is NOT the same as buzzing your own head at a strip mall salon while paparazzi foam at the mouth. Homegirl just wanted a new look. And she looks good. Chill out.

  • #CelebritiesIveBeenToldILookLike

When: 8/15

Why: There are some narcissists up in this bitch

Shir: This reminds me of this one time I curled my hair and wore thick black eyeliner. Someone told me I looked like Kim Kardashian. I cried all night, and haven’t curled my hair since then. PS- not all Middle Eastern people look the same. That is all.

Kara: I can tell you right now, every response to this hashtag is incorrect.

  • #98DegreesTODAY

When: 8/17

Why: Everyone’s fourth favorite boy band reunites for a “Today Show” performance

Shir: Seriously? What is the point of this? They’re reuniting for one day/night/una nocheeee and that’s all? Pointless. All of their former fans are at the age where they are part of the workforce now, so I’m not really sure who is taking a day off to go see them do their thing over at the “Today Show”. Let the Spice Girls work on their reunion tour, and stop trying to hop back on the 90s bandwagon, 98 Degrees. K thanks.

Kara: Let it go boys. Seriously. LET. IT. GO. These grown man went on national television, called themselves a MAN BAND, and complained about back and hip pain, like it’s cute. These guys could have sired One Direction, trying to compete with them is not a good look. While I do sort of admire their tenacity, this is not going to end well for anyone. 

  • Russia

When: 8/17

Why: The members of Pussy Riot, a Russian feminist punk band, are sentenced to two years in prison for “hooliganism”

Shir: Did anyone else have that feeling while watching the Olympics that maybe, just maybe, things would start being OK in the world? Sure, there is a healthy, competitive athletic spirit surrounding everything, but at the end of the day, everyone is just coming together to see these amazing people from all over the world doing amazing things. I felt pretty good about life and the future after obsessively watching the Olympics this summer. Now, this Pussy Riot craziness has taken that all away. It is hard (or illegal? I don’t know) to be optimistic about Russia. And Russia is a huge part of the world…so…yeah. No more happy feelings here.

Kara: Russia, Russia, Russia. I’ve never had mixed feelings about this place. It’s always been very clear to me that I don’t like it. I dunno, there are no brown people, the food doesn’t sound good, and it’s basically a tundra. Oh yeah, and their president is a sociopath. HOOLIGANISM??? What the hell is that?? Russia, on behalf of the rest of the world I need to tell you that WE CAN SEE YOU OVER THERE. Cut this crap out.