#ICMYI

May 6, 2013 by 1 Comment
If you are a #sasstag reader, I assume you lead a really cool life. Which means that on the weekends, you are out of the house, doing fun and cultured things with your awesome friends. You don’t have time to stay updated on the happenings of Hollywood and/or the world between 5 PM on Friday and 9 AM on Monday. The easiest fix? Reading our weekly In Case You Missed It post- the most important pop culture news roundup out there. Everything you need to have an opinion on before heading to the water cooler, every Monday morning. Enjoy!

 

Keira Knightley got married

Aaaand she looked perfect (in her custom designed Chanel dress), as one might imagine she would. I don’t know much about her new hubby, James Righton, but I do know he looks like he is a 19 years old hipster so that’s definitely throwing me off a little bit.

Chris Brown and Rihanna have split

Not only has Breezy confirmed that he is no longer dating Rihanna, he was seen partying it up for his birthday this weekend with his ex-girlfriend, Karrueche Tran.

THANK THE LORD.

Miley Cyrus was voted #1 on Maxim’s Hot 100 list

She accidentally revealed the big news to her entire social media following before the magazine got to break the news, but hey…she’s just being Miley. I think a congrats is in order, but really I’m just confused about this. I’m not saying she’s not a pretty person, but this was truly unexpected.

The Kentucky Derby happened

All this really involved in my mind was very random “celebrities” that got dressed up in weird hats and posted photos of mint juleps. I’m looking at you, Lauren Conrad.

-S

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#punxsutawneyphil

March 25, 2013 by Leave a Comment

Some wackadoos in Ohio are indicting Punxsutawney Phil for lying about the spring forecast in what may or may not be a ridiculously unfunny joke and OMG MONDAYS AND PEOPLE ARE AWFUL. 

Punxsutawney Phil

Phil is not here for your bullshit (via)

“The indictment, filed by Butler County Prosecuting Attorney Michael Gmoser, alleges that on or about February 02, 2013, at Gobbler’s Knob, Punxsutawney Phil did purposely, and with
prior calculation and design, cause the people to believe that Spring would come early.”

Guys, this is me:

Punxsutawney Phil

(via)

Are these people actually spending valuable resources and time on this asinine bullshit?

Look, if I lived in Cincinnati, I’d be mad too. I get it. But this is not the way to vent your frustrations.

Let’s be real, Groundhog’s Day is ridiculous to begin with–particularly since we don’t even get the day off. Things shouldn’t count as holidays if the post office is still open.

As long as I’ve mildly been paying attention, the hog of the ground has pretty much never been correct about his vague weather predictions. If you’re unhappy about the shitacular weather we’ve all been having, I would like to direct your attention to a little film called An Incontinent Truth, which surprisingly provides more insight in the Earth’s climate fuckery than an oversized rodent.

The idiots involved in this case are talking about extraditing him and putting Punxsutawney Phil up for the death penalty. By the time I got to this part of the article, I realized that my proverbial leg may proverbially have been pulled, proverbially. Is it prank? A satire of sorts?

I DON’T UNDERSTAND. IS THIS JUST A JOKE? Are these Midwesterners trying to make a funny?

I still haven’t gotten to the bottom of this because I stopped caring about three Google searches into my investigation. All I know is that every adult involved in this foolishness deserves a swift slap across the face and shouldn’t ever be allowed to leave Cincinnati.

-K

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#ICYMI

March 25, 2013 by Leave a Comment

If you are a #sasstag reader, I assume you lead a really cool life. Which means that on the weekends, you are out of the house, doing fun and cultured things with your awesome friends. You don’t have time to stay updated on the happenings of Hollywood and/or the world between 5 PM on Friday and 9 AM on Monday. The easiest fix? Reading our weekly In Case You Missed It post- the most important pop culture news roundup out there. Everything you need to have an opinion on before heading to the water cooler, every Monday morning. Enjoy!

 The Kids’ Choice Awards happened

kids' choice awards

(via)

I don’t really know who is scheduling this shit but everyone knows that awards season ends with the Oscars so really these kids and their choices are as irrelevant as I always knew they were. On another note, it seems that Kristen Stewart can smile, but only if she is covered in green slime.

Tilda Swinton has taken to sleeping in a glass box at the MoMa

Apparently this is not the first time the frightening ice queen that is T.Swinton (almost typed T.Swift out of pure reflex- gotta take a break from talking about Taylor, I guess) has put on this type of art installation. Her piece, titled “The Maybe,” does not have a set schedule or a description or anything. Its popularity is just as confusing and unnecessary as its subject.

Ohio wants Punxsutawney Phil dead

I completely agree that winter has been waaay too long this year, but that is no reason to want this poor little animal to die. A man in Ohio believes that Phil deserves the death penalty, as he is “purposely lying to us about spring coming early.” The man stated that “when he betrays us like this, something has to be done.” Yes, sir, you’re right. Something has to be done. YOU need to be taken care of.

Crystal Harris Hefner is still trying to be a DJ

crystal harris

(via)

The 26-year-old spent Saturday night “spinning” at the annual Playboy Masquerade partay. She got this gig purely based on her skills and not at all because she is married to Hugh Hefner.

-S

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#ignitionremix

March 6, 2013 by Leave a Comment

Some brilliant young soul started a We the People petition to officially change our national anthem from “The Star Spangled Banner” to R Kelly’s “Ignition (Remix)” and I for one am SO DOWN WITH THIS.

Ignition (Remix)

(via)

A number of excellent points are made for this change:

America has changed since Francis Scott Key penned our current anthem in 1814. Since then, we have realized that after the show, it’s the afterparty, and that after the party, it’s the hotel lobby, and–perhaps most importantly–that ’round about four, you’ve got to clear the lobby, at which point it’s strongly recommended that you take it to the room and freak somebody.

Ignoring for a moment, the actual violent uprising that would commence if a black president even glanced in the direction of this, I have decided to throw my official endorsement behind this great struggle.

6 Reasons To Support the Change of our national anthem to “Ignition (Remix)”

 

 

1) More musicians will get a chance

The fact that Rick Ross will probably never be able to perform his rendition of our national anthem keeps me up at night. Can you imagine the majestic insanity of Kanye West performing “Ignition (Remix)” at Hillary Clinton’s inauguration in four years?

In general, this change opens up the opportunity to sing the national anthem to a much broader talent base. “The Star Spangled Banner” is hard as shit to sing. Even seemingly good singers can’t handle it. Let’s level the playing field, shall we? It’s America after all.

Take the Super Bowl, for example. Look at the performers from the last ten years and see if their performances would have been made better by singing “Ingition (Remix)” instead of ”The Star Spangled Banner”:

2003: Dixie Chicks- Better

2004: Beyonce- Better

2005: Combined choirs of the U.S. Military Academy, the U.S. Naval Academy,
the U.S. Air Force Academy- Way Better

2006: Aaron Neville and Aretha Franklin- Better

2007: Billy Joel-Better

2008: Jordin Sparks- Better

2009: Jennifer Hudson-Better

2010: Carrie Underwood-Worse

2011: Christina Aguilera- Better

2012: Kelly Clarkson- Better

2013: Alicia Keys-Better

See that! 9/10. Boom

(Side note: DAMN American Idol has this shit on lockdown, yo.)

 

2) R Kelly pumps up a crowd much better than Francis Scott Key

Think about it. How many times do you hear the national anthem outside of a professional sporting event? This is our battle song! It needs to get the crowd and the players amped up and ready to defend the honor of this great nation. Besides, it seems like all Americans care about now anyway is football–which he mentions in the song!

 

3) This lyricism

 

Ignition (Remix)

Cristal poppin in the stretch Navigator
We got food every where
As if the party was catored

C’mooon

 

4) The instrumental version

Let’s be real, the instrumental version of “The Star Spangled Banner” is boooorring. I don’t know why they even subject people to that anymore. However, the instrumental version of “Ignition (Remix)”?

Pretty much just as good as the original. You don’t even need to hear the word “bounce” to know that RIGHT ABOUT NOW, IT IS TIME TO BOUNCE BOUNCE BOUNCE BOUNCE BOUNCE BOUNCE BOUNCE BOUNCE BOUNCE BOUNCE

 

5) The international community would thank us

Take the Olympics: We win all the medals anyway. You know all the other countries would much rather hear this. I believe this song has the potential to make the rest of the world like–nay, love–us again.

 

6) It speaks to our times

R Kelly ended his masterpiece with this line: We just thuggin it out…

That’s basically the 2013 Twitter-talk equivalent of “O’er the land of the free and the home of the brave.” It’s the most American thing I’ve ever heard. This speaks to the Instagramers and Snapchatters of today. At least this way they’ll finally know all the worlds to the national anthem.

 

All that being said, if this doesn’t work out, I’ll be starting a new petition to change the national anthem to the next best choice: “Pony” by Ginuwine.

-K

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#ICYMI

February 19, 2013 by 1 Comment

If you are a #sasstag reader, I assume you lead a really cool life. Which means that on the weekends, you are out of the house, doing fun and cultured things with your awesome friends. You don’t have time to stay updated on the happenings of Hollywood and/or the world between 5 PM on Friday and 9 AM on Monday Tuesday. The easiest fix? Reading our weekly In Case You Missed It post- the most important pop culture news roundup out there. Everything you need to have an opinion on before heading to the water cooler, every Monday morning. Enjoy!

Presidents Day Edition

Octomom is back to stripping

While I realize that nobody cares about this woman’s life nearly as much as I do (which isn’t all that much, let me be clear…), I think people need to know that she is back to supporting her kids by stripping. Or something like that. It doesn’t really make sense because I’m 99% sure she still lives in California but all this “exotic dancing” of hers is taking place in Florida (duh) so like WHERE ARE HER KIDS?

Beyonce’s documentary premiered

Aaaand it was as amazing and stunning and awe-inspiring as we all knew it would be. I’ve already seen it three times and I can say with certainty that isn’t enough, so if you did, in actuality, miss it, it’s high time to catch up. The only problems with it were that 1) it ended, and 2) they haven’t announced the sequel yet.

Burger King’s Twitter account was hacked

I literally don’t think the words McDonald’s or Burger King have shown up on my Twitter feed since ever but this was quite the entertainment fast food feud. Except it wasn’t even a feud between the two big chains, but I’d like to imagine them behaving like rival high schools and pulling pranks like this on one another.

Alec Baldwin got in another altercation with the paps

A photog from the New York Post claimed that Alec Baldwin yelled some racial slurs his way and that Alec also said he wants to “choke him to death.” Mr. Baldwin quickly rebutted this by saying he told the guy he wants him “to choke to death.” Two VERY different things. Harassment suits have been filed. Stay tuned.

-S

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#ICYMI

December 3, 2012 by Leave a Comment

If you are a #sasstag reader, I assume you lead a really cool life. Which means that on the weekends, you are out of the house, doing fun and cultured things with your awesome friends. You don’t have time to stay updated on the happenings of Hollywood and/or the world between 5 PM on Friday and 9 AM on Monday. The easiest fix? Reading the new weekly In Case You Missed It post. Everything you need to have an opinion on before heading to the water cooler, every Monday morning. Enjoy!

Britney Spears celebrated her 31st birthday

The queen of pop (is that her little nickname thing? I don’t know if it is, but it should be) spent the weekend celebrating this rather unimportant birthday. But she’s Britney (bitch), so a good time was still had by all. I may or may not have had an extra glass of wine and had a solo Britney dance party for the occasion, but I will not confirm or deny this under any circumstance. Celebrations of Britney’s birthday mostly stem from the fact that five years ago, none of us thought she would make it to this age. Definitely a reason to have a few cupcakes, if you ask me.

Chris Brown is giving social media a second millionth chance

So, after his ridiculous meltdown/Twitter-quitting last week, C. Breezy is back on Twitter (he has not resumed tweeting quite yet!) and Instagram. He posted this picture of his and Rihanna in what one could only assume is a morning-after sitch. Basically, everything these two together on the Internet outrages the world, and this was no exception. Looks like we need to just get used to this, folks.

Dennis Quaid has filed for divorce

Another one bites the dust, y’all. This headline is actually more common than “(Insert celeb name here) eats a sandwich”, but it is still sad to hear. Although I’m sure his marriage of eight years had absolutely nothing to do with Lindsay Lohan, I feel pretty comfortable blaming this divorce on her. Maybe it’s a stretch, and it doesn’t mean anything that Dennis Quaid played her dad in one of the two movies she was actually good in, but I swear that girl is possessed by the devil and being associated with her in any way is no bueno. Just sayin’.

Gloria Allred is super busy these days

I guess that’s what happens when you love taking on high-profile, celebrity-related cases, because the world is just full of those types of issues right now. Not only is she somehow obviously involved in Lilo’s legal dramz (she is potentially representing the woman who Lindsay allegedly punched in a club last week), but that rando Jersey Shore cast member, Angelina, is looking for her help as well. Angelina claims to have had her character ruined by MTV’s video-editing tactic, but we all know she is just a shitty person. Everyone blames it on the damn editing! That’s the oldest trick in the book (circa when reality shows started)! Gloria Allred has turned Angelina down due to the fact that she does not like to represent grenades.

-S

P.S.- a bonus #ICYMI

#sasstag is on the Twitter as of yesterday! Follow us @sasstag for more sass and surprises in the near future. Our first tweet (below) was pretty damn epic, so you know you don’t want to miss out on more stuff like this.

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