Some brilliant young soul started a We the People petition to officially change our national anthem from “The Star Spangled Banner” to R Kelly’s “Ignition (Remix)” and I for one am SO DOWN WITH THIS.

Ignition (Remix)


A number of excellent points are made for this change:

America has changed since Francis Scott Key penned our current anthem in 1814. Since then, we have realized that after the show, it’s the afterparty, and that after the party, it’s the hotel lobby, and–perhaps most importantly–that ’round about four, you’ve got to clear the lobby, at which point it’s strongly recommended that you take it to the room and freak somebody.

Ignoring for a moment, the actual violent uprising that would commence if a black president even glanced in the direction of this, I have decided to throw my official endorsement behind this great struggle.

6 Reasons To Support the Change of our national anthem to “Ignition (Remix)”



1) More musicians will get a chance

The fact that Rick Ross will probably never be able to perform his rendition of our national anthem keeps me up at night. Can you imagine the majestic insanity of Kanye West performing “Ignition (Remix)” at Hillary Clinton’s inauguration in four years?

In general, this change opens up the opportunity to sing the national anthem to a much broader talent base. “The Star Spangled Banner” is hard as shit to sing. Even seemingly good singers can’t handle it. Let’s level the playing field, shall we? It’s America after all.

Take the Super Bowl, for example. Look at the performers from the last ten years and see if their performances would have been made better by singing “Ingition (Remix)” instead of ”The Star Spangled Banner”:

2003: Dixie Chicks- Better

2004: Beyonce- Better

2005: Combined choirs of the U.S. Military Academy, the U.S. Naval Academy,
the U.S. Air Force Academy- Way Better

2006: Aaron Neville and Aretha Franklin- Better

2007: Billy Joel-Better

2008: Jordin Sparks- Better

2009: Jennifer Hudson-Better

2010: Carrie Underwood-Worse

2011: Christina Aguilera- Better

2012: Kelly Clarkson- Better

2013: Alicia Keys-Better

See that! 9/10. Boom

(Side note: DAMN American Idol has this shit on lockdown, yo.)


2) R Kelly pumps up a crowd much better than Francis Scott Key

Think about it. How many times do you hear the national anthem outside of a professional sporting event? This is our battle song! It needs to get the crowd and the players amped up and ready to defend the honor of this great nation. Besides, it seems like all Americans care about now anyway is football–which he mentions in the song!


3) This lyricism


Ignition (Remix)

Cristal poppin in the stretch Navigator
We got food every where
As if the party was catored



4) The instrumental version

Let’s be real, the instrumental version of “The Star Spangled Banner” is boooorring. I don’t know why they even subject people to that anymore. However, the instrumental version of “Ignition (Remix)”?

Pretty much just as good as the original. You don’t even need to hear the word “bounce” to know that RIGHT ABOUT NOW, IT IS TIME TO BOUNCE BOUNCE BOUNCE BOUNCE BOUNCE BOUNCE BOUNCE BOUNCE BOUNCE BOUNCE


5) The international community would thank us

Take the Olympics: We win all the medals anyway. You know all the other countries would much rather hear this. I believe this song has the potential to make the rest of the world like–nay, love–us again.


6) It speaks to our times

R Kelly ended his masterpiece with this line: We just thuggin it out…

That’s basically the 2013 Twitter-talk equivalent of “O’er the land of the free and the home of the brave.” It’s the most American thing I’ve ever heard. This speaks to the Instagramers and Snapchatters of today. At least this way they’ll finally know all the worlds to the national anthem.


All that being said, if this doesn’t work out, I’ll be starting a new petition to change the national anthem to the next best choice: “Pony” by Ginuwine.



Each week we take a look at what was trending on Twitter and provide some deep and meaningful insight. Or we just bitch about it.

 June 23rd- June 29th

  • Willow Smith

When: 6/25

Why: For about three hours, the Internetz thinks that Willow Smith has pierced her tongue

Shir: I’m loving the self expression, I don’t think the piercing is that big of a deal (even if she got a real one)…she can take it out, people. There are 11-year-olds getting pregnant (I think?) so we should really just applaud her for not doing that. I am, however, quite upset at Willow Smith for shaving all her hair off. I feel a little pain in my heart every time I jam out to “Whip My Hair” (which is surprisingly often). 

Kara: I’m not a tongue ring fan period. Much less so on ELEVEN YEAR OLDS. I always forget she’s that young, don’t you? Two things no one should have at the same time: braces and a tongue ring. Shir and I digress in opinion here: shaved head > tongue piercing 

  • Rielle Hunter

When: 6/26

Why: Rielle Hunter announces that she and John Edwards have broken up

Shir: This is so effed up. How did the publishing of the memoir break them up? Where was he when she was writing this? Or shopping it around? Or finally announcing the book deal? He was OK with all of that? DKSFNDSFOSDFKS gah he is such a scumbag! He should approach the Millionaire Matchmaker for his next love interest. She gives really good advice.  

Kara: THIS LADY REALLY NEEDS TO SHUT UP GUYS. Does one really break up with a mistress? It’s actually kind of sad because these two selfish, oblivious morons clearly deserve each other. Also, isn’t the whole point of having a mistress that she keeps this kind of shit on the down low? 

  • National Anthem

When: 6/27

Why: Lana Del Rey debuts her new video featuring A$SAP Rocky

Shir: I love me some Lana Del Rey, no matter how much the internet hates her. OMG and those kids in the video??? SO adorable. Goodness. I just couldn’t love this more. That is all.

Kara: LOVE LIVE A$AP. I don’t even like Lana Del Rey and this video is still memorizing. The hallmark of a great Lana Del Rey video: I didn’t even notice I was listening to her music.

  • New Day

When: 6/29

Why: Alicia Keys drops her first new song in a long-ass time

Shir: Yessss yes yes yes. Can we please all vote that this replaces “Starships” and every other shitty song on the radio right now? Listening to this one song over and over again would be so much better than hearing that awful Nicki Minaj track sporadically. Trust me. 

Kara: Alicia is back ya’ll! FINALLY. AND SHE KNOWS HOW TO PLAY AN INSTRUMENT. After what seems like an eternity of all this house/techno bullshit I hope Alicia can be the one to pull us back to our sense.

  • Kostas Papanikolaou

When: 6/29

Why: New York Knicks fans don’t respond well to their 2012 NBA draft pick

Shir: This seems significant. The letters on his jersey will have to be scrunched up pretty small. That is about all I got. 

Kara: I was in attendance for the NBA Draft. Let me just say that there was a lot of booing going on in general, so this is not altogether surprising. Also, these do we not all remember that incident with Tim Tebow? What exactly do you expect from New Yorkers?