#girlfriendpillow

I’m going to get right to it. THIS EXISTS, Y’ALL:

Just a girlfriend pillow for everyone out there who is craving the human touch so badly, but is willing to settle for an inanimate, plush object!

While this item is apparently not new, people are talking about it because there has been a cray jump in price from $10 to $12- probably due to the ridiculous demand for this revolutionary product. If you ask me, $12 is a small price to pay for almost-human affection.

Kara has previously talked about another ridiculous pillow, but I think this one may take the cake, because it’s just so damn depressing. I think that anybody who finds it necessary to purchase this pillow in order to replace whatever connection with humans they are lacking in life should be offered free therapy with his or her order. Like a gift with purchase! What a great promotional idea. You’re welcome, Sears.

This is almost as depressing as the girl-in-a-tight-mini-skirt pillow, but approximately a million times less creepy.

I think we should just stick to the classics for a bit. Look how inviting and comforting this looks, even though none of the pillows resemble any part of the human body:

Keep it simple, stupid.

-S

#ostrichpillow

Guys, Kickstarter. I have mixed feelings about that enterprise. On one hand, it’s cool for things like music and art where it’s already established that you’re a fan of that person’s work and you’re offered a new way to support them. On the other hand, there’s a reason we have a free market: So dumb stuff that no one wants sinks to the bottom and disappears–that’s what Etsy is for, duh! So I’m struggling with this Kickstarter project for something called the Ostrich Pillow:

(via Ostrich Pillow)

Oh yes, don’t worry–it’s as dumb as it looks. The Ostrich Pillow was designed by some hipsters in London specifically for power naps because apparently it’s impossible to nap without a pillow and/or normal pillows were too complicated for them.

First of all, an ostrich is not an animal I’ve ever wanted to resemble.

(via Animal Planet)

They’re birds that can’t even do the one thing birds are supposed to do. Plus they’re weird looking.

The Ostrich Pillow is touted as some sort of magic nap pillow and by doing so, these clowns are acting like they basically invented napping:

2. Benefits of power naps?

Did you know that a power naps of around 20 minutes increases productivity by more than 30%? Seeing as we all spend more and more time at work / in front of a computer screen or in transit, we thought why not create a device that helps you disconnect and dream for short periods of time. That’s how the OSTRICH PILLOW came to life.

Oh wow THIS PILLOW CAN MAKE YOU DREAM SPECIAL DREAMS? That assertion  quite frankly, is just not true. Also, power naps are not unique to this damn pillow. It is possible to take a power nap without an Ostrich Pillow. I think the entire history of humankind can attest to this.

3. Seriously, can I use Ostrich pillow anywhere? 

Have fun and rest anywhere! All you have to do so is choose a place to nap, slip into your Ostrich pillow and you’re set to go. We have tried it in airports, trains, aeroplanes, libraries, at the office, on a sofa and even on the floor and it’s really wonderful! Take it to the beach or skiing if you like and send us your pics! We love to hear about your Ostrich naps! 

Ah yes, because who doesn’t want their head shoved into a fleece heat dome on a nice warm beach? Also, you can use ANY pillow anywhere. ALSO this is a really stupid question.

5. How does it work?

It is simple straight forward and just intuitive, you just need to slip it on your head and voila! You are isolated to sleep, dream or even just think and relax.

This is not an explanation. OH WAIT that’s because pillows doesn’t generally require an explanation as to how they work. This all but proves that there is nothing scientific or particularly special about this product. PEOPLE IT’S JUST A PILLOW YOU CAN STICK YOUR FACE IN.

(via Ostrich Pillow)

They’re also really big fans of stressing that this has particularly practical use for the office. Because is there anything BUT this that screams: “I’m a competent hard worker!!”

They should really call this the Normal Person Repeller Pillow:

(via Ostrich Pillow)

Honestly, if I saw this guy in an airport I’d kick that suitcase out from under him.

So, yeah, the Ostrich Pillow is dumb, but that’s only half of it. This pillow is going to be STUPID expensive. The ostrich lovers are offering some lame-ass incentives for backing this Kickstarter. The only possible gift is an Ostrich Pillow, which, I guess makes sense. However, what doesn’t make a shred of sense is the price.

Pledging $60 gets you one Ostrich Pillow, which, for the sake of logic, I hope comes stuffed with dollar bills because otherwise you’re paying 60 human dollars for this thing. This also implies that once it hits the market it will cost AT LEAST $60, which is asinine.

The highest pledge of $620 gets you ten Ostrich Pillows… plus you have to pay an extra $40 to ship to the US. Isn’t Kickstarter supposed to offer actual incentives?

I’m not sure how this will do when it hits the market but I already know that there are two blocks of people who wont be buying the Ostrich Pillow:

  • People who are claustrophobic
  • People who don’t want to look like idiots

-K

 

#rainbowparade

A Brooklynite named Jessi just raised $1500 through Kickstarter to throw the world’s largest rainbow birthday parade.

Let me just say that I actually wanted to like this. Oh Jessi, I really did want to like this. Even though the spelling of your name is nonsensical, you seem sweet and fun. But omg I so do not like this. I really wouldn’t mind if this were a children’s event. But when grown adults derive so much pleasure from wearing monochromatic costumes and dancing through the streets like the damn cast of The Music Man, we need to ask some questions.

Some thoughts on the world’s largest rainbow parade:

  • What the fuckity fuck is a rainbow parade? It drives me crazy when people talk about random, obscure, or made up things as if they’re common knowledge. Is this a thing? Do people other than Jessiiiiiii do this?
  • Jessi’s favorite color is rainbow. Need it be stated that rainbow is not a fucking color?
  • The parade is in celebration of her birthday. In the description she writes: “IT’S MY BIRTHDAY AGAIN.” Again? No shit, again. That’s how it works. Most people don’t feel the need to say it’s their birthday again. You’re alive. The “again” is implied.
  • 78 people have given this woman over $2,500 already. She’s exceeded her goal by A THOUSAND DOLLARS. Who are you people?
  • She has this listed on Kickstarter as a public art project. No.
  • Parades are pretty stupid. I mean, they were probably cool in like, 1945. Let’s be honest, even the ones that are cool, (Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade, championship parades) aren’t that cool. Plus, since when do twenty people playing follow the leader count as a parade?

  • She mentions cupcakes as one of the critical items for any good rainbow parade. How exactly does that work? Do people eat the cupcakes while they’re parading? Do you get the cupcakes before? After? How do they get to the final parade location? I just have a lot of questions about these cupcakes.
  • Jessi dresses like a blind seven year-old.
  • Jessi is working with RecordSetter to make this an actual world record attempt. Here’s the thing about world records: they’re only impressive when it involves shit people actually do and care about. World’s fastest man? Cool. Most snails on face? Not cool.
  • I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: hipster bullshit.
  • Ironically, this rainbow parade is probably the whitest thing I’ve ever heard of.

It is her birthday and she’s using the event to raise money for charity, so I can’t hate too much. Or I can. Stay tuned for my Kickstarter campaign to fund my “Dark Soul of Death Mosh Pitt”.

-K