#stop

People Who Need To Just Stop:

Today calls for a group edition of People Who Need To Just Stop because I can’t decide who needs to take a bigger seat. So, here are three people who need to get their lives in check.

The Situation

the_situation

(via)

Haven’t seen this one in awhile, huh? The Situation is finally getting around to filming his reality show because the entire nation has been tightly wringing our weather-inappropriate beanies in anticipation. Need it really be stated how wildly unnecessary this is? Situation, you’re done, homie. We think you’re creepy and find your abs to be very oddly shaped for a human being. The Jersey Shore has come to an and and while we appreciate your service to the cause of being completely ridiculous and humiliating Italian Americans, we’re ready to call it a day. We already have “What Would Ryan Lochte Do?” Hasn’t our common sense and brain function taken enough of a hit?

Vanilla Ice

VANILLA-ICE-AMISH

(via DIY Network/AP)

In more unnecessary television programming, Vanilla Ice also has a reality show in the works called: Vanilla Ice Goes Amish. OIAJSDFK JASKLDFJ AKLSDF ASDFASKDFJ AKSLDFJAKLSJFASK KILL ME NOW I’M DEAD DEAD ALKSDFJ ALSKFJDASKLF

LEAVE AMISH PEOPLE ALONE! First we were enamored with child beauty queens, then Guidos and Boston townies and now the Amish obsession is in full swing. Let’s be honest, are the Amish really that interesting? Like, interesting enough that we should watch Vanilla Ice construct wagons with them? Because that’s what the show is about: Vanilla Ice learning construction from Amish people in Ohio. Perfect! I love watching neurotic, washed-up celebrities anachronistically build shit.

Who is watching this show? NO, SERIOUSLY. I want to know. At this point, just from a sociological perspective, I want to find out how Vanilla Ice keeps getting put on television. And if I find out that it’s you, you best believe that I’ll be coming for you.

 

The Roman Catholic Diocese of Brooklyn

Because they need to stop putting up these ads:

r-JESUS-WAS-A-HIPSTER-large570

What.

The.

Hell.

Really guys? We’re going there? We’re going to use the holiest figure in Catholicism to pander to Brooklyn hipsters? ARE WE REALLY DOING THAT? Can we please stop speculating on what Jesus would be like if he were alive today? 1) It seems a smidgen disrespectful and 2) WHO CARES? Does that change the Bible? Does make Jesus a hipster add the eighth sacrament of growing a handlebar mustache to Catholicism?

Also, from a marketing perspective, this is dumb. Do ads for churches really work? How easily swayed do you think people are? If they weren’t going to Mass before, they ain’t going now just because you slapped some dirty Converses on their Lord and Savior.

-K

#trendingtopics

Each week we take a look at what was trending on Twitter and provide some deep and meaningful insight. Or we just bitch about it.

October 27th-November 2nd

  • Sandy

When: 10/28

Why: Hurricane Sandy hits New York and New Jersey

Shir: I could go on forever about this. Seriously. I know a lot of people had it a lot worse but these last few days have been ridiculous. Living in downtown Manhattan has never seemed less appealing, but here we are. My trek uptown after the storm was most memorable, but at least I know better for next time! #sandysucks #sandyaftermath #sandyisahugewhorewhoruinedmylife

Kara: Yo peeps, two things I took away from this disaster: 1) CLIMATE CHANGE IS REAL AND KICKING YOU FOOLS and B) Donate to the Red Cross.

  • #NationalTextYourExDay

When: 10/29

Why: Many are a fan of poor decision-making

Shir: Nope. Never do this. This is worse than the idea of a National Kardashian Day being a thing, and everyone knows how much torture it would be for me to celebrate the existence of the Kardashians. Also, even if you want to make mistakes and text your ex, please don’t encourage others to do the same.

Kara: Jesus hell. You know what? If you want to text your ex, go for it. That’s your business. But good lord don’t tweet about it to the world. The only silver lining here is if your ex tweeted the same thing–because then you should probably go ahead and get married because the two of you quite clearly belong together.

  • #RappersBetterThanSouljaBoy

When: 10/31

Why: Twitter ish

Shir: I MEAN MY DOG IS NAMED AFTER LIL WAYNE.

Kara: I know the immediate reaction here to say “all of them” but I’ll refrain. I’m kind of starting to feel sorry for Soulja Boy and his imaginary G5. Wait, just stopped caring. EVERYONE IS BETTER THAN SOULJA BOY.

  • Halloween

When: 10/31

Why: Duuhh

Shir: This year, Halloween was quite underwhelming consider the circumstances (see today’s first trending topic), but I did get to witness Kara dressed as Rihanna which was the bomb dot com so no complaints here.

Kara: I’m convinced that I’m the only thing that saved Halloween this year. You’re welcome.

  • #NoShaveNovember

When: 11/1

Why: Guys agree not to shave for the month of November apparently to “change the face of men’s health”

Shir: Because the dirty hipsters need a month dedicated to not shaving? This is just a PR stunt.

Kara: Ok, I’m not really a fan of facial hair except in special situations so this clearly ain’t my cup of tea. But it’s hard to make fun of the guys who do this for charity. Wait, scratch that. It’s very easy to make fun of them, it’s hard not to take a razor to their faces. Same difference.

#beardwatching

Hey #sasstag readers, this is Mckenzie Santiago:

McKenzie is easily one of the most mind-blowingly obnoxious people I’ve ever encountered on the interwebs and the spelling of her name is dumb. McKenzie, along with the equally ridiculously named Alfredo Catedral, own a store called Brooklyn Grooming–and it’s a unnecessary as it sounds.

Mackenzie and Alfredo have developed a line of men’s beard serums because children are starving in Africa so this is definitely what humans should be using science for. They make pomades and oils and some other crap and all of the scents are inspired by different Brooklyn neighborhoods: Williamsburg, Red Hook, and Fort Greene.

I’m not even going to harp on the inanity of a beard serum except to say: WHO ACTUALLY WANTS TO SMELL LIKE BROOKLYN? You know what Brooklyn smells like? Urine and trash. Because that’s what all of New York City smells like: urine and trash.

The actual product, while stupid and unnecessary, is whatever. The real problem here is the bullshit Mackenzie spews throughout this promotional video or as these hipsters prefer, a TUMBLR STORYBOARD because that’s REAL art.

The page description opens with:

Grandpa sweaters. Lumberjack button-downs. Thick-framed specs. Fixed-gear bikes. Welcome to Brooklyn, land of the Fedora, where PBR flows like water, and facial hair holds dominion over every and any male visage.

This is literally the most stereotypical, prosaic description of Brooklyn I’ve ever heard. Let’s talk about something: Coming off of eight shows to christen the new Barclay’s Center, right now, no one is more Brooklyn than Jay-Z. You don’t see Jay-Z running around in a fedora and I can pretty much guarantee he doesn’t drink PBR. Need I explain the beard situation? There are 2.5 MILLION PEOPLE living in Brooklym. McKenzie, this is just your tiny, closed-minded view so stop giving the whole borough a bad, hipster name.

What could be more manly? they ask

Oh, I dunno, maybe estrogen?

Then McKenzie starts talking:

Brooklyn doesn’t have a men’s grooming line.

First of all, there’s no way it’s true that you can’t buy any men’s grooming products in Brooklyn. What she probably means to say is, there doesn’t exist, a line of men’s grooming products made in and tailored specifically to Brooklyn. I don’t doubt that this is the case considering the fact that the goal of a business is to actually make a profit.

I wanted to create something very genuine and I felt like Brooklyn was the perfect place for that.

Do you hear that, every place that’s not Brooklyn? All the stuff you’re making isn’t genuine.” YOU’RE ALL MAKING UNGENUINE CRAP ACCORDING TO MCKENZIE.

Then she starts throwing some serious shade at Manhattan:

People in Manhattan seem more established in what they’re doing.

Ok lady, so your artisanal facial blah blah isn’t established? That will be an excellent explanation for when it goes out of business by the end of the year. Also, is she not aware that Brooklyn is the second most expensive city in the United States? It’s not like it’s just full of a bunch of wishy washy artists dipping their own candles. I think it’s safe to say that there are as many rich, established people in Brooklyn as there are in Manhattan.

In Brooklyn it’s more about who you are.

OH MY GOD SHUT UP SHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUP

I feel like people here are more in a transition of who they want to be.

???? That barely makes any sense and even if it did, wouldn’t be true. Transition your way into some common sense beard-lover lady.

Everybody [in Brooklyn] has something really cool to offer.

You are undeinable proof that that is not true.

Ugh. Just all of this.

-K

#hipsterolympics

So it seems that the hipsters are at it again. They’re really persistent. In an attempt to continue to make people everywhere find them insufferable, they have banded together and held the second annual Hipster Olympics event in Berlin, which is apparently a hipster mecca (who knew?). Also, I hear rumors that this event is also held in NYC, and I’m proud to say I’ve never been invited and nobody I associate with has ever attended these shenanigans. I think what these games truly highlight is that there are a good amount of people in the world with far too much time on their hands.

Here is what you need to know about the Hipster Olympics, incase you feel as if you’ve missed out on a piece of history:

They managed to come up with the most ridiculous ‘sporting’ events ever

These events included (but are not limited to) a Cloth Tote Sack Race, Horn Rimmed Glasses Throw, Skinny Jeans Tug-Of-War, Vinyl Record Spinning, Facial Hairstyling Competition, Confetti Tossing (???), and another event where they had to drink candy out of bubble tea straws. I must say, from an outsiders POV, these are brilliant, because they include mostly everything I associate with hipster culture (except for body odor). However, I must point out, I did not realize confetti was a “thing” for hipsters, and any further explanation of that would be greatly appreciated.

Photo via MSN.com

Photo via MSN.com

Photo via MSN.com

Photo via MSN.com

There was (obviously) a swap box

Photo via Examiner.com

Anyone attending a well-organized hipster meetup knows to bring their unwanted V-necks and fedoras in hopes of trading with others for their second-hand items. You know what they say, one man’s trash poster of a galaxy is another man’s treasure!

Many quirky facial-hair photos were taken

Photo via Examiner.com

I wonder if Instagram’s servers were feeling a bit overloaded while this event was taking place?

It is unclear to me whether hipster culture in Berlin is different than here in the United States, but based on the photos of the Hipster Olympics, I’d venture to say they all have A LOT in common. Which, from what I understand, is somewhat uncool. Having enough people in your sub-culture to hold an international event seems pretty lame-stream to me…

-S

#coachellacruise

Coachella is taking to the seas. The music festival will relocate to the S.S. Coachella (get it?) this December for a pair of cruises to the Bahamas and Jamaica. The ship leaves from Fort Lauderdale, which, of course it does.

(via)

An inside stateroom will set you back $750 for two people. Seven hundred and fifty dollars for a room with no windows. Alternatively, if you find two more friends and are a masochistic who enjoys bunk beds, it’ll knock the price down to $500 per person which, while much cheaper, is worse in so many ways.

I’m barely exaggerating when I say that there is literally nothing I would want to do less. If someone told me that they’d pay for ten kids to go to college if I just went on this cruise, I’d buy those kids a dictionary and some encyclopedias and tell if that if it was good enough for Malcolm X, it’s good enough for them.

Look, I do enjoy the occasional music festival, but I’m not a huge fan of hallucinogens and body odor so they’re not really my thing–Coachella especially. Also, I don’t like hippies. I grew up in the Seattle-area so trust me when I say: I know hippies. It got to the point where I seriously considered buying this shirt, if only for the shock value.

(via)

I will begrudgingly admit that this is a bit extreme, even for me.

However, there are a group of people who are even worse than hippies: wannabe hippies, AKA hippies with trust funds. They’re hipster-hippies, which is basically the most obnoxious possible amalgamation of stereotypical millennial identities.

Hipster-hippies at Coachella are the absolute worst. They like to pretend they’re attending a modern-day version of Woodstock but with more expensive drugs and handbags. They also fail to recognize the stupid irony of dressing like Jamie Foxx in The Soloist while blowing through thousands of dollars of their parent’s money.

Can you imagine being stuck on a ship for four days with these people:

(Ugghhh Photo: Bek Andersen.)

(WHAT’S WITH ALL THE DAMN CAMERAS? Photo: Bek Andersen)

(Photo: Bek Andersen)

(Cool, dude Photo: Bek Andersen)

The water’s pretty warm in the Caribbean, I’d take my chances jumping ship and swimming back home.

I need to go on a brief tangent and discuss one of the bands that will be performing on this floating nightmare. If you know me or have read anything else on this blog you probably know which one I’m referring to. Dear !!!, are you shitting me? It’s actually a real achievement what you’ve done here. You’ve managed to come up with THE most insufferable name for a band in the history of music. Apparently it’s pronounced Chk Chk Chk (YA KNOW! LIKE THE SOUND. OBVIIII DUHHH. IDIOT.) and was “inspired by the subtitles of the [South African] movie The Gods Must Be Crazy, in which the clicking sounds of the Bushmens’ Khoisan language were represented as ‘!’.”

(OF COURSE this is them via)

Two fun facts: I studied abroad in Cape Town for a semester and today is Nelson Mandela’s 94th birthday. Therefore, I can’t let this slide by. I haven’t seen this film but it’s on Complex’s list of the 50 Most Racist Movies, so I don’t need to know a whole lot more. My brain is having a hard time processing the inanity and questionable sensitivity of this “dance-punk” (ughh ????) band.

Clearly my ties to South Africa make me a little more defensive than perhaps I should be. But, that aside, who the hell do these clowns think they are? Prince? Because Prince is the only other person I know of who decided to give himself an unpronounceable name. But you know what? He’s fucking Prince. Not only that, he didn’t change his name until post-Purple Rain. After making one of the best albums in musical history, you can pretty much do whatever you want. !!! you ain’t there yet. And at least when Prince did it it was original, rather than being lifted from a questionable racist film. Tangent complete.

I’d also like to point out that the information regarding seeing the actual acts perform isn’t very clear. Performances will take place at the Pool Deck, the Lawn Club, the Silhouette Theater, and the Sky Lounge, none of which look like they can hold all 2,800 people who will be on board, assuming it sells out. (And let’s be real, of course this is going to sell out.) The website explains that:

All shows are covered in the price of S.S. Coachella and everyone will have the opportunity to see the headliners at least once.

Good thing that’s not at all vague. If you do decide to spend your parent’s money for a trip aboard the S.S. Coachella, godspeed. Just know that if you willingly choose to board a cruise ship of hipter-hipipes, you fully deserve whatever you get.

-K

#hipsters

Attention: Do not go to the Brooklyn Cyclones game on July 5th. I repeat: DO NOT GO TO THE BROOKLYN CYCLONES GAME ON JULY 5TH.

The minor league baseball team will be hosting a Williamsburg (read: hipster) Night because they hate their fans.

I mean, Lord, what an obnoxious idea. I imagine whatever loyal fans this team has are pretty precious, why would they put them through this?

In all seriousness, who is running the marketing and promotions down there? And is this their worst idea ever or just one of many? Look, I get it, they need people to buy tickets but there absolutely must be better ways to get people to games. Like anything but this.

Special events at Williamsburg Night will include:

“Any bearded fans receive special vouchers”. Cool, so women won’t get shit. (Side rant: unless you’re Santa Clause or a similarly strange old man, substantial beards are almost always gross and wildly unattractive. Why would anyone want matted, rarely shampooed hair hanging from their face?)

“Skee-Ball tournament from our friends at Full Circle Bar”. Skee-ball? That rando game they had in the back of Chuck E. Cheese? STOP HIPSTERS JUST STOP.

“Skinny jeans post-game run the bases” UGH. Just UGH. I can’t even formulate a response to this that doesn’t lead to me babbling in tongues and convulsing on the floor.

“Got a Brooklyn Cyclones tattoo? -Win a customized jersey!” Unless you own the Brooklyn Cyclones, why on God’s green Earth would you get a Brooklyn Cyclones tattoo? This is the textbook definition of “not worth it”.

If you’re a non-hipster, I strongly advise you not to attend. However, if you do decide to go to this game, be prepared for the following occurrences:

  • Your eyes to never stop rolling
  • Instagram crashing
  • A very sad hipster after they break their fake thick-rimmed glasses after trying to catch a fly ball with their face
  • A drunk, actual Brooklyn Cylcones fan taking a swing at a hipster after he’s finally had enough of their shit
  • Again, a lot of this

I think it’s pretty safe to say that baseball is the most blue-collar of the three major sports. Blue-collar, you know, the people hipsters ironically make fun of all the time? Is no one imaging the unpleasant culture clash that is sure to occur? Hipsters, if you do attend, tread lightly, this could end very poorly for you. Brooklyn Cyclones marketing team, be better.

-K