#ICYMI

If you are a #sasstag reader, I assume you lead a really cool life. Which means that on the weekends, you are out of the house, doing fun and cultured things with your awesome friends. You don’t have time to stay updated on the happenings of Hollywood and/or the world between 5 PM on Friday and 9 AM on Monday. The easiest fix? Reading our weekly In Case You Missed It post- the most important pop culture news roundup out there. Everything you need to have an opinion on before heading to the water cooler, every Monday morning. Enjoy!

 

Michael Jordan got married

So, it’s not a name we see in the tabloids a lot…but definitely worth mentioning because SPACE JAM WAS THE SHIT. Oh, and Michael Jordan was a really great athlete and blah blah blah. His second wedding had a casual 2,000 guests because he’s Michael Jordan and he doesn’t do small scale shit. Whatever.

Harry Styles, 19, is dating a 33 year old woman

Kimberly Stewart, to be exact. Yes, the daughter of Rod Stewart. Also, the sister of Sean Stewart- the youngin’ dating a recently divorced/cougared Adrienne Maloof. The Stewart family is really into the whole “age is just a number” thing, huh? The age difference might be cray but you can only go up from Taylor Swift, so more power to Harry with this one.

The White House Correspondents’ Dinner Happened

There is literally not a single other event in the world that I wish I could attend more. What is better than a bunch of awesome celebrities (minus Katy Perry on that awesome comment) hanging out with THE OBAMAS? I checked, and I doesn’t get much better than that.

Cory Monteith is out of rehab

I mean…if Amanda Bynes is the poor man’s version of Lindsay Lohan, I don’t even know what this is. Cory’s trip to rehab was so sudden and shocking, yet extremely underreported or talked about because nobody cares about Glee. It’s like they have their own celebrity sub-ecosystem in Hollywood or something. Anyways, he’s out and tweeting about how much he appreciated “the support” and whatnot.

 

#taylorswift

It seems that Taylor Swift has taken the advice of every person in the world and has stopped flaunting her boy troubles oh so publicly (at least since the Grammys, right?). Maybe she’s been OK just doing the single thing for a bit– I could totally imagine her saying “I’m just working on me right now.” However, even though she hasn’t released any scathing singles in the last couple of weeks, someone very, very silly made up a rumor that T. Swift and Ed Sheeran were a thang.

taylor swift ed sheeran

(via)

Even though I have absolutely no personal knowledge of this situation, I think that even if neither of them ever acknowledged this rumor, any person who doesn’t live under a rock (i.e. reads #sasstag on a daily basis) could reason it out on our own that it is not true. Just…no. And I’m not even saying that based on what the two look like together. Quickly skimming through Ed Sheeran’s Wikipedia page makes it clear as day that these two will never date.

1. He is 22 years old. That is four years older than her type. Girlfriend can’t be bringing up her average like that, especially with John and Jake being so very old.

2. He is about six million Twitter followers short of Harry Styles…and about 19 million short of TayTay herself. He hasn’t been in any Twilight movies. There are no Ed Sheeran pop-up shops in Times Square. Simply put, he is just not famous enough.

3. He is a singer/songwriter, which is (probably) terrifying to Taylor. If she ever actually dated him, she would obviously write a song about him once they broke up, and he would probably retaliate (and blow her song out of the water). I can’t even name a single song this man sings but I’m going to run with this scenario in my head. I know what you’re thinking- “Harry Styles is a musician too!” No, no…he is not. He is in One Direction.

Not that anybody really needed him to, but Ed has publicly denied the rumor.

-S

#taylorswift

You know how they say that all good things come to an end? Well, it seems that all mediocre things come to an end too, because Taylor Swift and Harry Styles have broken off their romantic ties. Remember when she started dating him like…yesterday? I never thought it would last but considering her past relationship with an 18 year old made it through a whole summer and a stalkerish real estate transaction, I was giving them until at least the end of the month.

For someone who is pretty much at the opposite end of the Lindsay Lohan hot mess spectrum, it has been relatively difficult to keep up with Tay Tay. I have analyzed her romantic endeavors in my head quite a bit, and these are my conclusions:

The most obvious problem in her love life is her career. Which is pretty much everything there is about her, right? I imagine that any guy who decides to date her thinks he will be the one she won’t write a song about. Otherwise why would they even entertain the thought? Because Taylor is an enchanting, manipulative beast, and trying to protect yourself from public shame via a Top 40s radio station is probably really hard.

What would that conversation be like? Maybe he hints that he’d rather her not make a bajillion dollars off of any future heartbreak he contributes to, and she responds with “a song about you? Nooo, never!” but says so extremely sarcastically. He then asks her to clarify whether she is being serious or not and she just responds with an even more sarcastic “don’t be silly!” He ends up confused and wants to “play it cool” so the conversation pretty much ends.

One of Taylor’s other big issues is that she obviously doesn’t know how to have platonic male friends. Every person she is “spotted” with is someone who she ends up dating. The one male friend she has been publicly known to have is Justin Bieber, and I’m pretty sure the only reason those two haven’t dated is because Tay is also friends with Selena Gomez. She needs to go to the Disney lot and casually befriend some guys who already have girlfriends so she can learn what that is like.

Also, it wouldn’t hurt her to follow in the footsteps of more classy celebs (think Anne Hathaway) and date someone who has never had their name mentioned in Us Weekly. Or someone from the most famous political family in this country. I’m no expert, but I feel like if things haven’t been going well with her Gyllenhaals and her Lautners, she needs to try something new.

And for goodness sake, girlfriends needs to write a song about SOMETHING THAT IS NOT A BOY.

-S

 

 

#taylorswift

This.

WHAT is going on here? What is Taylor doing and who is letting her do it? Just, WHAT? Does she think being inside of a tattoo parlor makes her cool? Well maybe if she was posing with someone who didn’t recently lose his legal status of a “minor,” she would gain some street cred for this picture. Alas, her new boyfriend is several years younger than her, so that is not the case.

Basically, Taylor broke up with Conor Kennedy, who she was “in love” with, and started dating Harry Styles from One Direction a hot second later. Like, two weeks ago. Who knows. Oh, and don’t worry, she didn’t have to retire her title of “Youngest Cougar in Showbiz,” because Harry is a whopping 18 years old, just like Conor.

She recently chaperoned her new boytoy to get his latest tattoo, which eerily resembles a tattoo that the main man in her latest music video, “I Knew You Were Trouble,” has.

Well, sort of. It doesn’t matter. What matters is that if you don’t look too closely, the tattoos are identical, and oh SHE IS DATING AN EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD so if I say it’s ridiculous, it’s ridiculous. The fact that she is even in this photo with Harry at the tattoo shop is only one step away from breaking my rule of never getting a tattoo that has anything to do with a significant other.

Also, not that I really understand her dating strategy, but how do make this type of downgrade in your life without hating yourself forever?

Girl needs to stop flaunting her relationships with this baby, stat. Even though Taylor clearly thinks that being a cougar might look cool, it is in fact quite uncool and will eventually make her have a breakdown a la Demi Moore because these things are just too good to be true.

Seriously though, I know she’s an “adult” and everything, but where are her parents and why aren’t they stopping her from making a fool out of herself? I hear more about Jennifer Aniston’s mom than I do about Taylor’s, and Jen is a good twenty years older than TayTay.

-S

P.S.- The video in itself requires an entire #sasstag post, but I don’t think I am capable of such an undertaking. Maybe Kara will step up to the task? Either way, you should watch it and hate it.