#lorddisick

He may not be getting a spinoff on E! their TV channel anytime soon, but Scott Disick has been given a show and an audience on E!’s website.

I would like to introduce you to Lord Disick, the lifestyle website of Mr. Kourtney Kardashian. For those of you who don’t know, Scott suffers from delusions of grandeur often associated with being part of the Kardashian Klan for an extended period of time. It’s like a contact high for your ego. He has recently “rebranded” himself as Lord Scott Disick. I have no idea why, though, because he is the last person on earth I keep up with and I don’t care to do too much research because I don’t need to know all the details to know that this is ridiculous.

 

 

The lifestyle website is home to his new web series, known as Lord Disick: Lifestyles of a Lord. The first installment of what I am sure is going to become an extremely consistent source of amusement for me is titled “A Man’s Car is His Castle,” because duh. In it, he discusses the cars every lord needs in his manor. A family car, and one that is the opposite of a family car and makes you feel like you’re on a yacht.

 

 

This is all very riveting,  but he does not manage to truly capture my attention until he says that Kim “likes her cars like she likes her men.” And even though I must give him credit for being oh so clever when showing us Kimmie’s black Rolls Royce Ghost, he is certifiably the least articulate lord in the history of lordship. The last thing I would want is to somehow contribute to these people’s bank accounts, but I do urge you to visit the website and sit through the annoying ads so you can experience LOAL for yourself (side note: is that the hashtag we are committing to? #LOAL? You never know with these things). So please go do that now and report back to me.

I hope he follows up his car episode with these topics:

1. How to marry rich without actually tying the knot

2. Turn your kids into cash: how much can you really get from those tabloids for your baby’s first photos?

3. Business tips: How to make millions when your sex tape “leaks” and other things I learned from my Baby Mama’s family

4. #LOAL Investigates: A Lord’s view Social Media: How I Became The Biggest Douchebag on Twitter

I guess at first I thought that it was silly that he has this web series, but now I realize that we actually all have something to learn from him. I’m currently investigating ways to submit ideas to the show’s producers because I think Scott Lord Disick will LOVE addressing these topics.

-S

#annanicolesmith

So, some news just came out that Anna Nicole Smith’s (RIP) six year old daughter is now modeling children’s clothes. Why this isn’t being acknowledged as a big deal is beyond me because IT IS A BIG DEAL. Anna Nicole was the original C-list hot mess celeb with a reality show on E!, a spot that Kris Jenner is now holding on to with dear life. Anna Nicole’s death was a huge shock and extremely upsetting, but we can all acknowledge that the last thing we would wish upon her is that her daughter follow in her footsteps.

Well, turns out her daughter is going along the exact same path. Dannielynn Birkhead is now modeling for Guess jeans, which her mom infamously modeled for many years ago (that, and Playboy, but hopefully Dannielynn isn’t heading for Hugh anytime soon).

If I had to guess, I would assume that ANS’s spawn would look like Honey Boo Boo’s long lost twin, but shockingly enough, she does not look like a overdone child prostitute (a.k.a. the miniature version of what her mom used to look like). Dannielynn’s Guess ad is kind of cute, especially considering how much Guess has gone downhill since its glory days twenty-something years ago.

These photos may not even be that great, but I was expecting to see something horrific and inappropriate for a child, so I’m extra pleased. It’s hard not to wonder how different things would be if Anna Nicole was still around, but it seems like Dannielynn is faring well despite everything.

-S

P.S.- do you see why I thought Dannielynn would look a little bit more like America’s favorite little girl from West Virginia??

(via, via)

#keepingupwiththekardashians

The Kardashian Klan and E! reached a deal for three more seasons of Keeping Up With the Kardashians for an estimated $40 million. Let that sink in for a moment. Kardashians. Three more seasons. 40 million US DOLLARS. Although not particularly shocking, I went through a mixed bag of emotions upon hearing this news. Looking back, I realized that I exhibited the five stages of grief:

Denial

This cannot be true. Right? Three more seasons of their inane, contrived “shenanigans” and faux drama? This is not happening. Maybe the deal will fall through! Maybe Kris will come to her senses and realize that enough is enough and perhaps she’s pimped out her children for long enough. Maybe Bruce will finally put his foot down and man the fuck up. Maybe Kim will decide that she actually wants to be in a real, healthy relationship which involves not whoring out her personal life for fame.

Anger

What the fuck is wrong with these people? HAVEN’T THEY DONE ENOUGH? Forty million dollars?! Do they really need another forty million dollars to spend on hair extensions and ugly LA real estate? They don’t do anything. Why do millions of people continue to watch these harpies? THIS IS KILLING AMERICAN CULTURE AND ALL OUR STANDARDS FOR ENTERTAINMENT AND DECENCY.

Bargaining

Ok, how about this: I’ll take two more seasons of Kendra and one of Dr. 90210 in exchange for three more seasons of Keeping Up With the Kardashians? What about two seasons without Kim? COME ON Ryan Seacrest. What if I offer to “take care of” Matt Lauer so that you can get an early start on your inevitable Today Show stint? Sound good?

Depression

Acceptance

These people are like cockroaches and they may never go away. Whoever said “Fear the man that has nothing to lose,” was talking about this group. They are willing to do just about anything for a scrap of fame and notoriety. It runs in their blood and they can’t help it. Here we go folks, three. more. seasons.

-K

#eredcarpet

This is it. The final awards show for this season! This makes me sad because nothing gets my blood going like so many A-listers in one place. I am certain that no Sunday night television programming could provide the same type of satisfaction as celeb-gawking on E!’s red carpet.

Every network’s broadcast of the red carpet is a little bit different, so for those of you who made the mistake of skipping out on Ryan and Giuliana’s brilliance, here is what the ultimate pre-Oscars experience was like:

Giuliana Rancic’s obsession with George Clooney has become a running joke on E! Live From The Red Carpet. She gets to meet and interview every celebrity imaginable, but is still so starstruck by Mr. Clooney every time he is around. For this reason, he gets a lot of extra mentions during the broadcast and we see a lot of more shots of him walking all the way down the red carpet, even once he has left the E! station. I’ve always thought he was great, but last night I experienced the type of the love Giuliana has for this man- he is actually the nicest person in the world.

Stacy Keibler > Inanimate Oscar Trophy

The first thing he did when he got out of his limo was sign as many autographs as he could before being whisked away to a reporter. Also, when he saw Demian Bichir (his competitor for best actor) across the carpet, he went out of his way to greet him/his girlfriend, hug, laugh, etc. (again until being whisked away to a reporter).

After all of this amazing Clooney time, his Descendants co-star, Shailene Woodley, joined Ryan for a chat.

All I got out of this interaction is that she is definitely a huge stoner. She used the word ‘stoked’ more than once in an interview that lasted about one minute. Furthermore, when Ryan Seacrest asked her if she has an college plans, she said that she was studying to become a “herbalist”. OK, Shailene. We read you loud and clear.

In between shots of Ryan interviewing those walking down the red carpet and Giuliana giving her input on the night’s fashion, we got to hang with Ben Lyons!

This is especially exciting because it made me realize he is the perfect man for me. He loves movies. He is tall. He is a Knicks fan. He looks good great in a tux. I can neither confirm nor deny his NJB status, but I would venture to say he has a bubbe somewhere in the tri-state area.

OK. I am officially in love. Next.

One of my favorite gingers, Ellie Kemper, stopped by to play for a bit. Wahoo!

Before this night, I was convinced she plays some character named Erin on The Office. But what I learned is that she plays herself on the show. Let me explain. Ellie’s description of her overly rigid dress, saying something along the lines of “I will wear it for the rest of the week because it is making me stand up straight and giving me good posture” is the quirkiest thing I have heard an actress say about her dress on the red carpet, and I can only imagine that if her character on the office, Erin, wore this dress, she would say the same exact thing.

The night was going great until now. I was having so much fun hanging out with my friends!

Then Sacha Baron Cohen showed up. Ugh, I bet he was that kid who found out where parties he was uninvited to were being thrown, and he would just show up.

He is a huge ass. I doubt I need to say too much here. He made a mockery of the night the second he stepped on the red carpet. FYI, Sacha, this isn’t the VMAs. Also, you’re not funny.

Thats it. Party is over.

-S