I am quite skeptical of any competitive reality TV show that has the word “Celebrity” at the beginning of its title. You should be too. Obviously they do not feature actual celebrities, which is what I call a waste of time– give me real celebrities or give me death. This is why I have a hard time imagining why a show like Celebrity Apprentice even exists.1 And not only does it exist, it has had enough seasons that they now have an All-Star version of the show. Because obviously anybody who is enough of a fame whore to agree to be on Donald Trump’s show once will do it again.

The most severe case of this is Bret Michaels, who was just “fired” by Trump on his show, after winning the show the previous time he appeared on it. Not only was he the first to go, he allegedly had a complete meltdown on his way out.

This man:


was in tears over being fired and told off by one of the only men in America with a more ridiculous appearance than his own. Apparently he was truly inconsolable over being axed from the show, because he believed he was going to win a second time. Donald said to him that “Deep down psychologically it is awfully hard for me to pick you again as a winner. That is why it was incredulous to me that you came back.” I don’t know much about Bret Michaels, nor do I care to, but for the record…if someone looking like this

told me I didn’t have to work for them anymore, the only tears coming out of my eyes would be purely due to elation and being generally overjoyed.

Why are people- both television producers and faux celebs- giving Donald Trump more airtime than he already gets every time he is interviewed for something?



So this one time, Bill O’Reilly thought that people take what he says seriously, and he made some statements about various celebrities when he appeared on Katie Couric’s talk show. I find this fascinating because its Bill O’Reilly and he is crazy, but apparently he is as opinionated about celebs as I am! Also, his “endorsements” or general positive statements about these people are the equivalent of Jenna Jameson endorsing Mitt Romney.

Let’s go through the list:

1. Lindsay Lohan

Bill said that he “feels bad for Lindsay” and that “Lindsay Lohan is a Long Island girl, I think she’s got screwed up parents ya know, I hope she straightens it out.”

So basically, he seems to think that all of her troubles stem from her “screwed up parents” and not from something within her. While I’m sure that having Dina and Michael Lohan as parents is both disappointing and terrifying, there are people in Hollywood who have come from much worse situations. Leighton Meester was born when her mom was a fucking prisoner, yo. She’s not hitting people with her vehicle every chance she gets!

2. Honey Boo Boo Child

The word from Bill re: HBBC is that he doesn’t “like to see kids in the public eye at that age.”

I have to say I agree with him on this one. You know all those awful stories about our favorite ’90s stars who are busy doing heroin and battling mental illness because they peaked so early in life? I think HBBC will be the worst-case-scenario of this. And she’s gonna crash from her go-go juice real hard.

3. Donald Trump

Billy Boy said to Katie that he “went to the Yankees game with Trump the other day” and that “he is really an interesting guy.” He went on to say that Donald “knows a lot about a lot of things and he will tell you what he thinks, which I like.”

Somewhat agree. I think Donald Trump is extremely interesting, if you’re interested in elderly men who cannot admit to themselves when they need to embrace going bald. Or if you’re interested in people who say stupid shit all the time. So Bill’s description of Mr. Trump is not so far off…

4. Clint Eastwood

O’Reilly described Clint Eastwood as a “real solid, throwback guy,” which I can’t even begin to dissect (no, really, there just isn’t enough for me to work with here).

5. Kim Kardashian

According to Bill, Kim K is an “energetic young woman.”

First of all, she ain’t that young. Second of all, that is pretty much the nicest thing any media personality who isn’t on E!’s payroll has said about her.

I never thought I would take anything Bill O’Reilly said seriously, but these statements have provided me with a deeper insight of who he is as a person. I hope my analysis of those statements has done the same for you, but about me. META. Maybe?