#taylorswift

It seems that Taylor Swift has taken the advice of every person in the world and has stopped flaunting her boy troubles oh so publicly (at least since the Grammys, right?). Maybe she’s been OK just doing the single thing for a bit– I could totally imagine her saying “I’m just working on me right now.” However, even though she hasn’t released any scathing singles in the last couple of weeks, someone very, very silly made up a rumor that T. Swift and Ed Sheeran were a thang.

taylor swift ed sheeran

(via)

Even though I have absolutely no personal knowledge of this situation, I think that even if neither of them ever acknowledged this rumor, any person who doesn’t live under a rock (i.e. reads #sasstag on a daily basis) could reason it out on our own that it is not true. Just…no. And I’m not even saying that based on what the two look like together. Quickly skimming through Ed Sheeran’s Wikipedia page makes it clear as day that these two will never date.

1. He is 22 years old. That is four years older than her type. Girlfriend can’t be bringing up her average like that, especially with John and Jake being so very old.

2. He is about six million Twitter followers short of Harry Styles…and about 19 million short of TayTay herself. He hasn’t been in any Twilight movies. There are no Ed Sheeran pop-up shops in Times Square. Simply put, he is just not famous enough.

3. He is a singer/songwriter, which is (probably) terrifying to Taylor. If she ever actually dated him, she would obviously write a song about him once they broke up, and he would probably retaliate (and blow her song out of the water). I can’t even name a single song this man sings but I’m going to run with this scenario in my head. I know what you’re thinking- “Harry Styles is a musician too!” No, no…he is not. He is in One Direction.

Not that anybody really needed him to, but Ed has publicly denied the rumor.

-S

#tattoos

Another day, another dumb couple who gets matching tattoos to symbolize their “love.” Right? Wrong. This is not like any of those other days, because this is like all of those other days combined and on speed. And meth. And lots of other drugs.

THIS

is just not the same as this. Or anything we’ve ever seen before. This is a girl who let a guy tattoo his name ON HER FACE. And not subtly, either. Her boyfriend, who she met in an online chatroom ONE WHOLE MONTH AGO, happens to be a very controversial tattoo artist (no need to really back up that claim). FYI, this occurred during their first in-person meeting. Literally, this man’s name is tattooed across this girls face. Not only does this guarantee that no other guy will ever want to touch her, I think it’s safe to say that pretty much anybody she encounters on the streets will steer clear of her. Also, can we just talk about how much pain this girl went through for this tattoo? What kind of person/tattoo artist wants to personally put his loved one in excruciating pain in order to mutilate her face in this manner??!?

The girl, Lesya, has made a statement about the tattoo, claiming that “it is a symbol of their eternal devotion to one another” and “she’d like him to tattoo every inch of her body.” Well, Lesya, I’d like to go on the record and let you know that there is a plethora of ways in which you can show your eternal devotion to someone, and none of them require ruining your entire face forever. Marriage! Adopting a dog together! Matching cardigans! Some ways could even involve tattoos! Even if I don’t like couple tattoos, that doesn’t mean you can’t get something cute and meaningful and NOT ON YOUR ENTIRE FACE. It’s hard to be shocked by stuff on the interwebz these days, but I must say- this is all sorts of appalling. And offensive. I am personally offended that this happened.

The saddest part is that she defski could have been a cutie otherwise.

Morals of the story: 1) stop doing drugs (unofficial- I have no evidence that drugs were involved in this situation), and 2) be wary of people you meet in chat rooms. Catfish taught us that a while ago, though.

-S

 

#cosmopolitan

Cosmopolitan Magazine continues to inundate women with intensely stupid dating advice because… they hate us? I dunno. Probably. As I’ve discussed in the past, I truly believe that this publication is trying to de-educate their readers into doing and believing dumb shit as a way of bettering their own odds.

stupid dating advice

(via Cosmopolitan)

For their sake, I hope my theory is true, otherwise these ladies are just flat out banana boats if they actually believe half the stuff they write about. Take, for example, this wildly informative piece of journalism:

It’s Better to Flirt When it’s Sunny

 

OH OK THANKS COSMO.

Want to get that cute guy’s number? Make sure you’re chatting him up when it’s sunny out. 

Only talk to guys when it’s sunny out? SOLID ADVICE, LADIES that I’m sure women across the world will take to heart. Maybe this is a tactic of theirs? You set the bar low right off the bat so as manage expectations for the rest of the article. If that was their plan, it worked.

 

The advice comes courtesy of a new study from the University of South Brittany in France. In the study, a researcher sent a hot guy to approach random women on the street and ask for their phone numbers.

A hot guy? Is that his scientific name? First off, if I can guarantee that whatever Cosmopolitan finds “hot” or “sexy” I will find “ridiculous” and “revolting” because I am sane.

Second, if some total rando walked up to me on the street and asked for my number, this would be me:

Elsa pocketbook

(via Reality TVGifs)

These people must be straight trippin’ if they think any normal woman would respond well to that.

If you are an alumnus of the University of South Brittany, I would suggest you stop giving these people money because your donations are being spent on unscientific, irrelevant, bullshit experiments like this one.

 

The results? Most of the ladies were more likely to give him their numbers when the sun was out. On cloudy days? He only scored numbers from 13.9 percent of the women asked. 

MAYBE BECAUSE IT WAS EASIER TO SEE HIM IN THE SUNLIGHT? Please note how they leave out the percentage of numbers he did get–probably because it was only marginally higher because walking up to a complete stranger and asking them for their phone number is not normal.

 

The theory is that environmental factors like light and temperature can affect your mood and, in turn, influence whether or not we’re in a friendly mood that day. 

Well no goddamn shit. Of course environmental factors affect your mood. Do they seriously think this is some sort of revelation? WE ALREADY KNOW THIS. Have you ever tried to navigate a New York subway during rush hour on a rainy day? Even the Dalai Lama would merk a bitch.

 

Last thing: This experiment involved a man approaching a women. Why is Comso now trying to apply the same theory to women approaching men? I didn’t take AP Bio, but I’m pretty sure science doesn’t exactly work like that.

Get the Peabody ready, folks! Or pray for our society. Whatever seems more appropriate.

-K

#pattistanger

We all know that Patti Stanger is the absolute worst. This creature, who looks like a blown-up, pixelated version of Katy Perry, is at it again. I mean, she is always “at it”, but she somehow still continues to amaze me with her stupidity. We’ve been over this before- she thinks that women need to behave like they are in the stone ages, and she constantly doles out unsolicited advice about celeb couples. WE DO NOT LIKE HER. I recently got caught up in her Twitter feed (which I usually try to avoid as much as going to different NYC boroughs), and let me tell you, things have not gotten any better at A Casa Patti. She is still the absolute worst.

Let me explain:

She is a pretend sports fan for no reason. And a confused one at that.

1) NYC does not need your support, Patti. NYC also does not want your support. 2) Pick a side. Or don’t. Just don’t tweet about supporting two different teams. 3) STOP PRETENDING.

She does not know how to be subtle about endorsement deals AT ALL.

I gather that Patti is sponsored by some sort of sake company. Because every other tweet she sends out is about them. Cool.

How does that last statement make ANY sense? What does my choice of cocktail have to do with how scary my Halloween costume will be? Why do I care if it is gluten free? Why is she so stupid????

And, best of all…

Patti has started a “Tip of the Day” feature, which is basically just another excuse for her to dole out her extremely outdated dating advice.

This new little thing she is doing is just a great way for me to pinpoint exactly where all her shitty advice lies within her stupid Twitter feed.

What about men? They shouldn’t groom themselves at all? It is all up to us? Look, Patti, we all want to look and feel our best. But that doesn’t mean you need to be telling us what to do to make ourselves feel better. Because frankly, your general existence makes me feel pretty shitty, so we are getting absolutely nowhere with this “tip”.

Tip of the Day: don’t be a calculated freak like Patti Stanger.

Why does she assume that any girl dining alone will get some rich man’s attention? Why does she assume that any girl dining alone wants some rich man’s attention? I know she has branded herself as the “millionaire matchmaker” and whatnot, but there are people in this world who care about things other than finding a rich spouse. Somebody needs to remind her of that pronto.

Is this some sort of scientifically tested ratio? 4:1? NO. How about she just aim for equality or nothing at all?Why is she emphasizing the “ARE” here? Did anyone make a really bold statement that first dates AREN’T very important? NO.

STOP TELLING THE WORLD THINGS THEY DON’T NEED TO HEAR.

-S

#avrillavigne

If I were to imagine a musical version of heaven, I’d picture Jimi Hendrix high-fiving The Beatles, Adele telling everyone they looked lovely, Amy Winehouse smoking a cigarette and playing piano, and Beyonce and Jay Z looking fabulous while chatting it up with Elvis. Similarly, if I were to picture a musical version of hell, both Avril Lavigne and Nickelback would be running the joint right along with the Devil and Rebecca Black. So, in preparation for the underworld, it seems the two of the stronger players in musical hell are joining forces. As in, Avril is marrying Chad Kroeger from Nickelback. Are getting married. ACTUALLY. Not making this shit up.

(via)

Other than the fact that I was pretty sure Ms. Sk8er Boi was still dating Brody Jenner, this match could not be more perfect. Apparently, the two met while co-writing a song for Avril’s fifth album. I bet they worked really well together professionally, both being washed up artists and whatnot.

FYI, they met in February. As in just over six months ago. So while I may think they are an impeccable match, I also think they need to slow down and realize that just because they can relate to one another for having failed careers and being made fun of all the time doesn’t mean they should necessarily get married. Six months is an extremely short amount of time in the scheme of things (I know its confusing if you use Kim Kardashian’s marriage as a reference, then six months seems like eternity, but hopefully Avril has severed all ties with that klan since her breakup from Brody). At least Lady Gaga waited a year before making her boyfriend dress up as her husband in a music video…but that is neither here nor there.

Even though this is Chad’s first marriage, let me remind you all of that other time Avril wed another awful musician who she had been dating for quite some time, and that ended quite poorly (clearly). Things are going to be really awkward for Avril in musical hell when she keeps running into her equally untalented ex-husbands all over the place.

Their wedding day may just give a whole new meaning to “the day the music died.”

-S

#octomom

So I know I have been talking about this a little bit too much recently, but I seriously just cannot wrap my mind around Octomom’s ridiculous quest to swindle money out of the public. Stripping, starring in porn films, and releasing a single (you heard me)- all to save herself from bankruptcy! I must say, I admire her persistence.

Anyways, to update you from last week, when she put herself up as a charity on a fundraising website…Nadya has only been able to raise about $2,600 since she started her efforts. That is still 2,600 dollars too many. However, the low numbers (compared to the $150,000 she is asking for) show me that there is in fact reason to have faith in our society and I am sure that her fundraising efforts will continue to be ignored.

Surely you all agree this is as ridiculous as I think it is, and that it couldn’t possibly get worse. Well, let me blow your mind real quick: Octomom has simply outdone herself and is now putting herself up for sale. She has created a profile on an online dating website called WhatsYourPrice.com. Where you have to pay to date people. Her price? $500. KEWL.

(via)

My issue here isn’t so much with Octomom putting herself up for sale- I’ve realized she will do pretty much anything at this point and she has no shame. This website is actually ridiculous. I highly recommend watching their one-minute-long video about how the site works so you can understand the absurdity of this. Basically, girls join for free, and guys have to pay to bid to go on dates with them. And then, if the price they have offered the girl in accepted, they go on their first date and then they actually have to hand them cash as soon as they meet (its in the rules!).

Their site also has many tips on how to go about your first date, including this little tidbit:

Keeping it very casual and low to no budget is the only way to go for a first meeting.

I think they forgot that their whole business model is based on people paying to go on a first date with someone. Is the actual date really the right time to start getting cheap? I think not.

FDJOCSLMREDWSJADWODSJXLZMC I have so many questions. WHO INVENTED THIS SERVICE??? How is this legal? And who are the creepers on this website (other than Octomom)? I can’t believe this is actually a thing. I don’t care how shitty your dating life is, anything that borders on prostitution is not the right way to “get back in the game.”

This is a Law & Order: SVU episode waiting to happen.

-S