#metgala

The gloriousness that is the Met Gala just happened last night, with a punk theme that some people took way too far (see below for evidence from not-so-surprising suspects).

madonna miley

Mind you, the one on the right is the same person who was just voted #1 on Maxim’s Hot 100 list.

Anyways, aside from those uncomfortable “we-took-the-theme-a-little-bit-too-seriously” ensembles, there were plenty of other dramatic looks that we need to discuss. Let’s start off with a bang, a.k.a Nicole Richie’s hair:

nicole richie

I don’t know how I feel about this as an everyday look (JK I know exactly how I feel about it and my feelings are negative even though Nicole Richie is on my girl crush list), but a huge shout out to Nicole Richie for reminding the world that The Hunger Games exist and that the second movie is coming out later this year.

And how about the friendliest-seeming person on earth, Kristen Stewart?

kristen stewart

Girl looks like she just LOVES life, doesn’t she? It’s like they painted an even sturdier resting bitch face on top of her natural resting bitch face and the result is simply chilling.

OK, on to the next one…

stacy keibler

Although I have nothing against her, I’m always very confused when Stacy Keibler is at events. Especially when George Clooney isn’t standing right next to her. And  it was his birthday last night. So really, what was she doing here?

J. Law, my (fingers crossed) future BFF, looked stunning but also a little bit like she was going to the most chic funeral ever, so there’s that.

jennifer lawrence

There was also that time Kim Kardashian was in attendance even though Anna Wintour banned her from attending the same event last year. If they went through the trouble of letting her in this year, she could have at least tried to look nice. I guess it just wasn’t her night?

kimye

Seeing a picture of Kim at the Met Ball made choosing my least favorite attendee really hard, considering Ms. Katy Perry was there as well, looking as ridiculous as ever:

katy perry

And, just to end this note on a high perfect note…behold:

beyonce

-S

(Photos via eonline.com)

#beyonce

Basic peoples and their basic kin are making a giant kerfuffle over the Beyonce tour rider that was kinda sorta leaked a couple days ago. I really don’t know what these fools are whining about because it looks like a list of  highly reasonable demands to me. We do all understand that Beyonce wields more influence, power and wealth than actual Queens, right?

beyonce tour rider

(via iam.beyonce.com )

  • All crew members have to wear 100% cotton.

Damn, she’s doing THEM a favor. She’s just making sure that no ones polyester wearing ass lights on fire under those blistering stage lights. Sounds to me like she just wants to keep her crew happy and comfortable. This barely even benefits her. She’s a woman of the people y’all.

  • Alkaline water must be chilled to 21 degrees and served with $900 titanium straws.

It’s been decades since most mega-celebrities have drank anything resembling regular water. This really isn’t specific to Beyonce at all. You all also have to keep in mind that $900 to Beyonce is like $5 to the rest of us. A $900 straw is basically a pack of gum to this woman.

  • Bathrooms must have new toilet seats and red toilet paper at every venue.

It’s called sanity and hygine people!!! If I had the option of using a new toilet seat everywhere I went, you best believe I would take it. Admittedly, the red toilet paper bit is a bit odd. I’m not exactly sure how red toilet paper functions differently from regular toilet paper, but honestly I’m not too interested in finding out.

  • Hand-carved ice balls should be made after each show to cool her throat.

Umm… it’s frozen water. Deal. And of course it needs to be smooth and round. We can’t have Queen Bey choking on your second-rate, splintery ice cubes.

  • No junk food is allowed. Instead, snacks must include glass platters of almonds and oatcakes, and there’s a strict green-only policy when it comes to salad bar nibbles.

YES AND? Homegirl likes to eat healthy. It’s why she’s modeling bikinis a year after having a child. WHO WOULD HATE ON THIS BEAUTIFUL HEALTHY EATING?

Chill out and get your lives in order because Beyonce clearly has hers on lockdown.

-K

#trendingtopics

Each week we take a look at some of Twitter’s most entertaining trending topics and provide some deep and meaningful insight. Or we just bitch about it.

April 13th-April 19th

  • Anne Frank

When: 4/14

Why: Justin Bieber says that he thinks Anne Frank would have been a belieber

Shir: The Biebs is clearly just a misguided teen. I’m not saying people are wrong for being mad at him, but they’re mad for the wrong reasons. There are fundamental issues being ignored here, my friends. I suggest an intervention that covers the excessive posting of selfies and speaking/tweeting before you think. 

Kara: *Heavy sigh* I touched on this on Monday and I can’t say that I’ve had a change of heart since then. Not his best moment, guys. And now millions of ill-informed tween girls will forever think of Justin Bieber when they hear Anne Frank’s name. #YOLOCULTURE

  • #TheMrsCarterShow

When: 4/15

Why: Beyonce kicks off her world tour

Shir: Let the countdown begin to when Queen Bey makes her way to NYC! And any other city in America that is close enough for me to try to get last minute tickets to.

Kara: LKAJSDFLAKJDFLKASJ FIAJDKV AKSDFJAKSJFLDKASJFKLCXJKVJASLKJSKV KLSVJDAKLFJ KSDFLKA KDFASJTIEWOIEJSKLDFJAK SKAFJL KASJF. I’M EXCITED IN CASE YOU CAN’T TELL. Also, can we talk about how this woman is embarking on a major world tour and hasn’t even released a new SINGLE let alone an album yet? It’s just different.

  • Girls Love Beyonce

When: 4/16

Why: Drake releases a new song, saying what we already know

Shir: Well, girls do love Beyonce…but Drake has not been anybody’s favorite person recently so I would have preferred to keep his name as disassociated with Beyonce as possible. But we can’t win them all.

Kara: Oh Aubrey. Aubrey, Aubrey, Aubrey. My homie. My paizon. You are absurd and I will never tire of it. On the real though, this song kinda bumps. And it’s a message that always bears repeating.

  • Superman

When: 4/17

Why: The Man of Steel official trailer is released

Shir: Superman is my least favorite of the superhero movie franchise, as I have pointed out in a #sasstag This vs. That. It just has nothing on the Batman movies, so I can’t be bothered.

Kara: Hold up, hold up, hold up. ANOTHER ONE? Didn’t some just make a Superman movie? Do we need this many Superman movies? (Answer: No, no we do not.) I’d also like to know they convinced Russell Crowe to be in this movie and exactly what role he will be playing. He’s the only thing that can save it. 

#foxnews

Jay-Z has a real problem, (and no I’m not going to make a “99 Problems” joke because I’m not a hackneyed jerk) it seems that the entire Republican party is pathologically obsessed with him.

This time, we have Fox News something or other Dana Perino “rapping” a response to Hov and Bey’s vacation to Cuba, which truly has been beaten about as much as a sensationalist, non-newsworthy story can be.

Just in case you need to process this all a bit more slowly, here are the lyrics:

Well my name is Tiny-D, and I’m here to say
I bust funky-fresh rhymes in a major way
So I’m white like Casper, got a dog named Jasper
And if you don’t think Beyonce fears me, go ahead and ask her
So if you love Castro, stick with Jay-Z
But if you love your freedom, pick Day-P

HAHAHAHA isn’t that HI-larious? Isn’t it funny when people who know nothing about hip hop mock it and indirectly chalk it up to their unfamiliarity with urban culture–because, you know, only black people and rappers live in urban areas.

I’d also like to point out that this fool starts the verse with one name (Tiny-D) and ends it with another, (Day-P) which is particularly stupid when you realize that they have the EXACT SAME RHYME SCHEME.

Dana Perino and whoever else was able to fit into her clown car that day, continued with their sarcastic, unfunny bullshit saying things like:

“Rap is such a complicated form of music”

and

“For a white girl from Colorado that was damn good.”

ALKSJALKF DJASKLF SA SADFA Christ on a full calorie cracker. I wish I could accurately communicate the look on my face right now. This is embarrassing. For all of us.

People for whom Dana Perino’s rappity rap is embarrassing:

  • First and absolutely foremost, Dana herself
  • White people
  • Women
  • White girls from Colorado
  • Conservatives
  • Music lovers
  • That microphone
  • Non-deaf people
  • Human beings who have a modicum of respect for other people
  • The graphics designer in charge of this segment

Dana Perino

  • Her blouse
  • Her dog
  • The entire Casper franchise
  • People who know how US laws work
  • Those of us who aren’t brain dead/recently had a lobotamy
  • George W. Bush

I hope you and fellow awful person Marco Rubio enjoy these little brushes with hip hop culture. It’s what keeps life exciting dontchaknow.

The only upside here is that she wasted eight to ten hours of her life writing this tripe instead of whatever other evil deeds she does for Fox News. Hey Dana, I hope you wrote another stupid ass rap for the other 400,000 Americans who visit Cuba every year.

-K

#trendingtopics

Each week we take a look at some of Twitter’s most entertaining trending topics and provide some deep and meaningful insight. Or we just bitch about it.

April 6th-April 12th

  • Stevie Wonder

When: 4/7

Why: Stevie Wonder performs at the Academy of Country Music Awards

Shir: As a non-believer in “Country Music,” I am appalled that Stevie Wonder was given the closing performance spot at the CMAs. Not because he isn’t entitled to play wherever the hell he wants, whenever he wants…but because why the hell did he agree to play at a show that promotes the likes of Taylor Swift? My favorite reaction to this from a “Country Music” radio station website article was: “My biggest concern is that the closing spot on a nationally televised Country Music awards show is like the halftime show of a super bowl- a prime coveted spot!” Just, no.

Kara: WHYYY STEVIE WHYYY? Stevie, yo, what are you trying to prove homie? You really don’t need to try to win over a new audience that this point in your career. And even so, there aren’t that many country music fans to begin with. I do not support this.

  • LL Cool J

When: 4/8

Why: Braid Paisley releases his new, horrendous song, “Accidental Racist” featuring LL Cool J

Shir: I was done with LL the second the Grammys started airing and I saw him wearing that ridiculous hat and tux combo. We should have been able to predict this, you guys.

Kara: OH MY GOOD GOD JESUS LORD AND SAVIOR HOLY HELL ON A PIECE OF TOAST. I’ve tried not to think about this song too deeply because I’m seriously worried that I’ll just collapse and die from the utter stupidity and cluelessness of the whole thing. Brad Paisley, you are an actual racist. LL Cool J, you are a moron and we as a black people are holding a meeting this afternoon to see if you’re still allowed to be in the club. GAAAHHHH

  • Cuba

When: 4/9

Why: Nutso politicians are freaking out over Jay-Z and Beyonce’s vacation to Cuba

Shir: LOLZ @ people criticizing the untouchable couple that is Beyonce and Jay Z.

Kara: Don’t our lawmakers have anything better to do than riding on Jay-Z D all the damn time? Damn. Aside from wasting everyone’s time and news cycle with this frivolous bullshit, everyone who was all up in arms over the trip was WRONG anyway. Of course they got permission to go there you half wits. Also, it is not 1968-plenty of Americans go to Cuba all the time. After this fuckery, let me be the first to say that Jay exercised a lot more control than I would have on “Open Letter“.

  • Coachella

When: 4/1

Why: The 2013 Coachella Valley Music and Arts Festival gears on up 

Shir: Music festivals are always great, especially when they encourage celebs to dress like this, because then I have more fun stuff to write about. If anyone can send me a pic of what Emma Roberts is wearing this year, I will love you forever.

Kara: Coachella is my idea of hell. Always and forever.

#beyonce

 7 Thoughts on Beyonce’s New Song

Beyonce's new song

Warning: I stan harrrrd for Queen Bey and you really can’t tell me nothing. Beyonce Giselle Knowles released a new song on her next level Tumblr yesterday called Bow Down / I Been On. This is the first new music we’ve gotten from her in nearly two years and yes yes yessss.

 

1) This probably isn’t the first single

Some pretty reliable sources have confirmed that “Bow Down / I Been On” are actually snippets from two different songs, specifically noting the different production teams for each track:

It’s also worth mentioning that neither title was on the maybe probably real track listing for her new album that was leaked a couple weeks ago, so there’s that.

Basically, if you’re really feeling the first part but not the second, or if you think the track sounds a bit disjointed, then you’ll probably be satisfied later.


2) People who think she’s talking about her fans are stupid stupidheads

I’ve come across a few misled fools who are offended by the lyrics of the song because they think Beyonce is addressing them directly by telling them to bow down. First off, trick, please. She’s not talking to you. She’s talking about the 9823409812 other female singers who think they’re even close to her level (cough cough number 6 cough cough).

 

3) If there’s a video, it’s going to be banana boats

Will she just sit on her throne as her loyal subject bow down to her dancing heels? Will she H-Town twerk it til her hips break? Will she make people bow down to Blue Ivy also? Will she look anything like this because SWEET JESUS I HOPE SO.

Beyonce's new song

(via)

 

4) The cover art is epic

Beyonce's new song

(via Beyonce)

Werrrrqqqq lil Honey Boo Boo Beyonce.

5) I took some time to live my life/But don’t think I’m just his little wife

This line is just errrything. And you know Hov probably loves. it. because he holds her down “’03 Bonnie and Clyde” style.

6) Keri Hilson should probably be put on suicide watch

Beyonce's new song

(via)

Keri has been getting it rough lately (although it’s entirely her fault) and that was just from Beyonce’s fans. Now the actual Queen has stood up and taken a shot and I’m not sure how she can recover from this short of auditioning to be a backup singer on the Mrs. Carter Tour.

 

7) She’s really letting her edge(s) show

Beyonce's new song

(via)

We’ve known Sasha Fierce for awhile now but she was just that–fierce. This new Beyonce is hard and she’s here to snatch wigs, weaves and Louboutins. Look, relateable Beyonce is cool, but badass bitch Beyonce is untouchable.

-K