#famousfetuses

Back when #sasstag was just a little baby, I broke down the important Hollywood pregnancies for our readers. Since then, many stars and wannabe stars have given birth or announced that they are with child. The circle of life, or something. Since it has been quite some time since then, I think we are due (pun intended) for an update.

Last time, we were talking about these tots:

-Snooki and Kourtney K have both given birth. Baby Lorenzo LaValle and baby Penelope Scotland Disick are now officially part of the history of the “reality television” section of American popular culture. There aren’t too many barriers to entry, but these two definitely have it made, not having to send in audition tapes or anything. Their mothers were the fame whores in this situation, not them.

-After the longest pregnancy known to mankind, Jessica Simpson gave birth to baby Maxwell (clarification: this is a girl) in early May, and is still struggling to lose the baby weight and stick with her Weight Watchers plan.

-Reese Witherspoon had the least eventful pregnancy ever, but her and her new hubby Jim Toth have procreated, and as of September 27th, there is another beautiful Reese Witherspoon offspring for this world to be thankful for.

I think Ava may be a clone of Reese. They are TWINS. (via)

-Kim Zolciak had her second baby with her baby hubby (eight years her junior!) over the summer. It is a shock to most people who know who this woman is that she has yet to announce another pregnancy.

-Tori Spelling had a miracle baby. Not sure what that means but as long as everyone is alive and well, I don’t really feel like looking into it too much.

OK, so now that we are caught up:

-Apparently, people care about the Mowry’s again, and Tamera is preggo like woah. She is due any day now. Maybe she will have twins and they will get split up at birth for some unknown reason and then find each other in their teen years and become best friends! I’ve heard this story before…

-Gisele Bundchen is expecting her second child with hubby Tom Brady. I’m excited for her, but I am also pretty angry that over the course of her nine month pregnancy, she will likely gain less weight than I gain in about a week. I am mad about it.

-Marisa Miller, owner of the cutest baby bump of all times, is expecting her first child (a boy!) in the next couple of months.

-Also, Adriana Lima. UGH. Alongside fellow Victoria’s Secret angels Gisele and Marisa, her immediate post-baby body is still hotter than most people’s post-yearlongworkoutbootcamp body.

-Claire Danes, that actress from that show nobody will stop talking about, is expecting her first child.

-Sarah Michelle Gellar is pregnant with her millionth child. I don’t know if she is still working or “retired” (aka not getting gigs) like Amanda Bynes, but people care enough about her to publish shit about her being pregnant. Makes zero sense, I know.

-Amber Rose revealed her pregnancy to the world at the MTV VMAs this year, which is really lame considering that is how Beyonce told the world about Blue Ivy the previous year. Anyways, Wiz Khalifa’s hoodrat fiancé is now with child, and Wiz has complained publicly that he now has to smoke weed in a separate room because Amber cares about her fetus at least the minimum amount.

-Wannabe Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt (aka Kristen Bell and Dax Shephard who refuse to get married until everyone in the country can legally do so) are expecting their first child. Excitement level of this news = mediocre.

-Most impostantly, Michelle Obama needs to have another baby ASAP so that Blue Ivy Carter has a friend close to her age that is worthy of her time.

See you next celeb-baby cycle!

-S

#babies

While some babies can be extremely adorable (in photos), I find they can be more irritating than anything, especially in confined spaces. Like airplanes. What could possibly sound worse than getting on a long flight (or any flight, really) and being seated next to a screaming newborn?

An airline in Southeast Asia is offering a new feature on its planes- essentially, kid-free zones, starting in February. The first handful of rows on every plane will be exclusively reserved for passengers that are over 12 years old. As somebody who travels quite a bit, this is one of the most brilliant ideas I have ever heard of. I really think this needs to be implemented everywhere, ASAP, because it isn’t very helpful to me that this rando airline is the one making all the big moves.

The company, AirAsia, is providing this feature on its planes at no extra cost! Just putting it out there- I’d pay big money to guarantee that there wasn’t a baby anywhere near me on a plane. Or in a restaurant. Or anywhere, really.

All those American airlines that suck so much (United, I’m looking at you!)- this may be a way to win back my heart. Just FYI.

-S

#jessicasimpson

While I can’t say I expected much more from Jessica Simpson, I definitely didn’t think she would say anything this ridiculous. The has-been pop star has recently said in public:

I didn’t realize the weight didn’t all come off with the baby

which is absolutely, positively, 100% one of the most ridiculous things that has come out of her mouth. This is one of those statements that would have been made into a t-shirt when her and Nick Lachey were still filming Newlyweds: Nick and Jessica or whatever that fine television show was called.

First of all…what? Does she live under a rock? Has she never heard of the term “baby weight”???? Like I understand maybe she doesn’t remember her own mom working out to lose the extra pounds she gained when she was preggers with her. However, Jessica’s oh so annoying sister, Ashlee Simpson, had a baby in 2008. That should be recently enough for Jessica to remember.

And if not…if for some reason, somehow, she has gone through her entire life completely oblivious to all the preggo people around her and in the media, why on earth would she have been given a $3 million deal from Jenny Craig for losing the weight she gained during pregnancy? If it all just “came off with the baby” the way that Jessica has so unadorably said, why would she be paid even $1? That would legit be her getting paid to give birth. How does she not realize how ridiculous it is?

Also, I may be obsessing (OK, I am obsessing), but did nobody read her contract out loud to her before she signed it? Or show her where it said “you need to lose X pounds AFTER YOU GIVE BIRTH in order to get your paycheck” before she signed on the dotted line?

She also said that she let herself eat whatever she wanted, because she was pregnant for the first time and she wanted to enjoy it. That is all well and good, but seriously, considering she was pregnant for about two full years, she should have recognized that the weight wasn’t all just going to melt off of her when baby Maxwell came out.

-S

#famousfetuses

There is so much going on in the realm of famous fetuses these days, it is becoming quite the task to keep up! Not to worry, I have compiled a summary of the latest and greatest to ensure we are all on the same 9-month countdown cycles.

  • Snooki and Kourtney Kardashian are both with child. If you don’t know this already and weren’t just woken up from a deep comatose state, something is wrong with you.
  • Hilary Duff finally gave birth. She named her baby boy Luca Cruz. Anti-climactic.
  • Jessica Simpson is somehow STILL pregnant. My theory is that she gave birth and then immediately ate her baby. Or maybe it is refusing to enter the world because its mom has been committing such heinous fashion crimes for the past nine months.

    A pic from her audition for the Hocus Pocus sequel

  • Reese Witherspoon and her non-celeb husband are officially in the baby-making business.
  • Kim Zolciak has a second ginger on the way (see: last week’s trending topics)
  • Tori Spelling is expecting her fourth child. Bitch gave birth five months ago…isn’t there some sort of waiting period that one most observe before going at it again? Slow and steady wins the race, Tori.
  • Blue Ivy Carter‘s existence is still more exciting than all of the above combined.

Beyonce's bundle of joy and fabulousness

-S