Back when #sasstag was just a little baby, I broke down the important Hollywood pregnancies for our readers. Since then, many stars and wannabe stars have given birth or announced that they are with child. The circle of life, or something. Since it has been quite some time since then, I think we are due (pun intended) for an update.
Last time, we were talking about these tots:
-Snooki and Kourtney K have both given birth. Baby Lorenzo LaValle and baby Penelope Scotland Disick are now officially part of the history of the “reality television” section of American popular culture. There aren’t too many barriers to entry, but these two definitely have it made, not having to send in audition tapes or anything. Their mothers were the fame whores in this situation, not them.
-After the longest pregnancy known to mankind, Jessica Simpson gave birth to baby Maxwell (clarification: this is a girl) in early May, and is still struggling to lose the baby weight and stick with her Weight Watchers plan.
-Reese Witherspoon had the least eventful pregnancy ever, but her and her new hubby Jim Toth have procreated, and as of September 27th, there is another beautiful Reese Witherspoon offspring for this world to be thankful for.
-Kim Zolciak had her second baby with her baby hubby (eight years her junior!) over the summer. It is a shock to most people who know who this woman is that she has yet to announce another pregnancy.
-Tori Spelling had a miracle baby. Not sure what that means but as long as everyone is alive and well, I don’t really feel like looking into it too much.
OK, so now that we are caught up:
-Apparently, people care about the Mowry’s again, and Tamera is preggo like woah. She is due any day now. Maybe she will have twins and they will get split up at birth for some unknown reason and then find each other in their teen years and become best friends! I’ve heard this story before…
-Gisele Bundchen is expecting her second child with hubby Tom Brady. I’m excited for her, but I am also pretty angry that over the course of her nine month pregnancy, she will likely gain less weight than I gain in about a week. I am mad about it.
-Marisa Miller, owner of the cutest baby bump of all times, is expecting her first child (a boy!) in the next couple of months.
-Also, Adriana Lima. UGH. Alongside fellow Victoria’s Secret angels Gisele and Marisa, her immediate post-baby body is still hotter than most people’s post-yearlongworkoutbootcamp body.
-Claire Danes, that actress from that show nobody will stop talking about, is expecting her first child.
-Sarah Michelle Gellar is pregnant with her millionth child. I don’t know if she is still working or “retired” (aka not getting gigs) like Amanda Bynes, but people care enough about her to publish shit about her being pregnant. Makes zero sense, I know.
-Amber Rose revealed her pregnancy to the world at the MTV VMAs this year, which is really lame considering that is how Beyonce told the world about Blue Ivy the previous year. Anyways, Wiz Khalifa’s hoodrat fiancé is now with child, and Wiz has complained publicly that he now has to smoke weed in a separate room because Amber cares about her fetus at least the minimum amount.
-Wannabe Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt (aka Kristen Bell and Dax Shephard who refuse to get married until everyone in the country can legally do so) are expecting their first child. Excitement level of this news = mediocre.
-Most impostantly, Michelle Obama needs to have another baby ASAP so that Blue Ivy Carter has a friend close to her age that is worthy of her time.
See you next celeb-baby cycle!