#ignitionremix

Some brilliant young soul started a We the People petition to officially change our national anthem from “The Star Spangled Banner” to R Kelly’s “Ignition (Remix)” and I for one am SO DOWN WITH THIS.

Ignition (Remix)

(via)

A number of excellent points are made for this change:

America has changed since Francis Scott Key penned our current anthem in 1814. Since then, we have realized that after the show, it’s the afterparty, and that after the party, it’s the hotel lobby, and–perhaps most importantly–that ’round about four, you’ve got to clear the lobby, at which point it’s strongly recommended that you take it to the room and freak somebody.

Ignoring for a moment, the actual violent uprising that would commence if a black president even glanced in the direction of this, I have decided to throw my official endorsement behind this great struggle.

6 Reasons To Support the Change of our national anthem to “Ignition (Remix)”

 

 

1) More musicians will get a chance

The fact that Rick Ross will probably never be able to perform his rendition of our national anthem keeps me up at night. Can you imagine the majestic insanity of Kanye West performing “Ignition (Remix)” at Hillary Clinton’s inauguration in four years?

In general, this change opens up the opportunity to sing the national anthem to a much broader talent base. “The Star Spangled Banner” is hard as shit to sing. Even seemingly good singers can’t handle it. Let’s level the playing field, shall we? It’s America after all.

Take the Super Bowl, for example. Look at the performers from the last ten years and see if their performances would have been made better by singing “Ingition (Remix)” instead of ”The Star Spangled Banner”:

2003: Dixie Chicks- Better

2004: Beyonce- Better

2005: Combined choirs of the U.S. Military Academy, the U.S. Naval Academy,
the U.S. Air Force Academy- Way Better

2006: Aaron Neville and Aretha Franklin- Better

2007: Billy Joel-Better

2008: Jordin Sparks- Better

2009: Jennifer Hudson-Better

2010: Carrie Underwood-Worse

2011: Christina Aguilera- Better

2012: Kelly Clarkson- Better

2013: Alicia Keys-Better

See that! 9/10. Boom

(Side note: DAMN American Idol has this shit on lockdown, yo.)

 

2) R Kelly pumps up a crowd much better than Francis Scott Key

Think about it. How many times do you hear the national anthem outside of a professional sporting event? This is our battle song! It needs to get the crowd and the players amped up and ready to defend the honor of this great nation. Besides, it seems like all Americans care about now anyway is football–which he mentions in the song!

 

3) This lyricism

 

Ignition (Remix)

Cristal poppin in the stretch Navigator
We got food every where
As if the party was catored

C’mooon

 

4) The instrumental version

Let’s be real, the instrumental version of “The Star Spangled Banner” is boooorring. I don’t know why they even subject people to that anymore. However, the instrumental version of “Ignition (Remix)”?

Pretty much just as good as the original. You don’t even need to hear the word “bounce” to know that RIGHT ABOUT NOW, IT IS TIME TO BOUNCE BOUNCE BOUNCE BOUNCE BOUNCE BOUNCE BOUNCE BOUNCE BOUNCE BOUNCE

 

5) The international community would thank us

Take the Olympics: We win all the medals anyway. You know all the other countries would much rather hear this. I believe this song has the potential to make the rest of the world like–nay, love–us again.

 

6) It speaks to our times

R Kelly ended his masterpiece with this line: We just thuggin it out…

That’s basically the 2013 Twitter-talk equivalent of “O’er the land of the free and the home of the brave.” It’s the most American thing I’ve ever heard. This speaks to the Instagramers and Snapchatters of today. At least this way they’ll finally know all the worlds to the national anthem.

 

All that being said, if this doesn’t work out, I’ll be starting a new petition to change the national anthem to the next best choice: “Pony” by Ginuwine.

-K

#ICYMI

If you are a #sasstag reader, I assume you lead a really cool life. Which means that on the weekends, you are out of the house, doing fun and cultured things with your awesome friends. You don’t have time to stay updated on the happenings of Hollywood and/or the world between 5 PM on Friday and 9 AM on Monday. The easiest fix? Reading the new weekly In Case You Missed It post. Everything you need to have an opinion on before heading to the water cooler, every Monday morning. Enjoy!

PSY is getting bad press for the first time (at least since the majority of the world has heard of him)

A video from 2004 of PSY bashing America has been unearthed, and the timing couldn’t be worse because he is about to perform for Obama ___. In the video, PSY said “Kill those f—ing Yankees who ordered them to torture … Kill their daughters, mothers, daughters-in-law and fathers … Kill them all slowly and painfully” amongst other similar things. He has since explained that he was only saying that in reaction to the Iraq war and he has apologized. And he is still scheduled to sing in front of Obama. The most shocking thing of all is that he has apparently been a star since 2004??? I definitely thought this was an overnight sensation/one hit wonder type of thing.

Wendy Williams dissed Beyonce and now the whole world is should be boycotting her

I mean, her own audience booed her. And for all the right reasons. In what can only be described as the most self-harming statement EVER, Wendy Williams claimed to be a big Beyonce fan, but she also said that Bey seems like she has only had a fifth grade education. GURRRRLLLL are you cray cray????? Did you just insult the Queen Bey on television? I can’t think of a worse PR move one could make consider 100% of people worship Beyonce (that is a proven statistic, by the way).

Ice-T is acting up over some harmless pics of Coco and another dude

Coco had a mini photo shoot in Vegas with a rapper named AP.9 (I’m almost certain the AP in his name does not stand for Advanced Placement) and Ice-T is PISSED. He ranted about it on Twitter, saying “Most of [the pics] are disrespectful and in bad taste. She’s made me look and feel like s**t. I say this on Twitter because there’s no way to avoid the obvious misconduct of a married couple.” Coco defended herself, tweeting something about how people take silly pictures sometimes. Whatever, her Twitter basically a bunch of semi-pornographic photos of herself. If it is any comfort to Ice-T, I’m 100% sure this is not the most disrespectful thing that has happened with another man + photos of his wife.

Tori Spelling and Tia Mowry gave scripted acting another chance

While it isn’t too weird to see their faces on television considering the fact both of them have their own reality shows for NO REASON (they’re not even addicted to anything!!!), it is weird to see them try to act again. I didn’t watch The Mistle-Tones, but I did watch the trailer, so I feel pretty confident judging it, and it sucked. It is basically an older person, Christmas themed, made for TV version of Pitch Perfect. Simply the worst.

-S

#katemiddleton

Before we get started, I need to confess that there are two things I’m not a big fan of: Royalty and horses–incidentally, they usually go hand in hand.

I don’t dislike horses per se, they just don’t really do it for me. Even when I was eleven years-old and all the other girls were reading “Black Beauty” and the “Black Stallion,” I just wasn’t buying it. (Perhaps I was suspicious of why the horses always had to be black. Ahead of my time, yo.) I’ve ridden horses before and it was fine, but I moved on. I’m not trying to start a glue factory or anything, I’m just saying that we have cars now so maybe let’s slow it with the horse adoration.

Whatevs (via)

I also don’t believe in royalty. The idea of royalty is a social construct and I REJECT IT. I’m not sure why inbreeding and isolation from regular people while learning archaic skills makes you special. I’ve never understood the fascination with these people beyond a social science experiment. Princess Diana was great and all but she was waaay cooler when she ditched the royal fam. Did I get up at the crack of dawn to watch the royal wedding? Nope. Because I might as well have danced on George Washington’s grave while wrapped in the Union Jack. I’m an American homie.

Like, what is this guys? (via)

All that being said, while I don’t condone fawning over them, as long as other people do, I’m going to comment because I have no self control. People magazine reports that apparently Kate Middleton is learning how to ride a horse. My first thought when I read this was: Homegirl doesn’t already know how to ride a horse? Isn’t there some sort of princess litmus test that covers horseback riding,  finding fairies, and putting yourself in a magical coma?

(Source: Bauer Griffin)

Plus, aren’t all British people born knowing how to ride horses? DON’T ACT LIKE YOU HAVEN’T THOUGHT THE SAME THING.

I guess this is a big deal because Kate has said that she’s allergic to horses, which is weird because I’ve never heard of anyone being allergic to horses before. But kids these days are allergic to filtered water, so I guess it’s possible. OR IS SHE?:

“Though it’s been said Kate has a mild allergy to ponies, it’s never been confirmed. Palace insiders also point out that she is regularly around the animals in her official duties, being pulled by them in carriages, and in private – and yet she doesn’t appear to suffer any reaction.”

I bet you that allergy talk is a lie. More likely than not, Kate said to herself: “Fuck this shit. I’m not giving them one more way to take me down if I stop following the rules.”

Don’t do it, Kate. And yes, I will continue to call her Kate instead of duchess whatever. She is not a head of state and that is a made up title. If I have to call her Catherine Duchess of Cambridge then everyone has to call me Ultimate Princess Kara Supreme, Empress Down Ass Bitch of the Universe. Take your pick.

-K

#thecarters

Things I Imagine Happened During the Fundraiser Jay-Z and Beyonce Hosted For President Barack Obama

  • President Obama officially changed our national anthem from the “Star Spangled Banner” to “Public Service Announcement” and/or he decreed that Beyonce is now legally required to sing the national anthem during any public event

    (via)

  • One of them sat in the third booth on the left in 40/40 BECAUSE I’VE SAT THERE TOO
  • Barack and Jay did an ironic remix of “Black Republican”
  • They playfully argued over who has the best fist bump

(via)

(via)

And most bad ass entrance:

(via White House Flickr)

  • Barack called Jay “Shawn” and Jay called Barack “Barry” BECAUSE WHY THE HELL NOT?
  • Jay made Kris Humphries play President Obama in a game of one-on-one and lose on purpose–Space Jam style like when Mister Swackhammer threatened to make Michael Jordan work at Moron Mountain and lose games forever if the TuneSquad lost to the Monstars.  (SHOUTOUT IF YOU KNOW WHAT I’M TALKING ABOUT)

    (via)

  • President Obama entered to “My President Is Black” while throwing up the Roc Nation diamond

(via)

It’s probably best that I didn’t sell a kidney to attend this because I would have either

a) Been arrested

b) Died

-K

#trendingtopics

Each week we take a look at what was trending on Twitter and provide some deep and meaningful insight. Or we just bitch about it.

 June 30th- July 6th

  • My instagram

When: 6/30

Why: Instagram was down for much of the day and peeps began freaking out

Shir: Obviously this was not the end of the world, and even though people treated it like it was, and then got made fun of, I don’t think anybody’s views towards social media changed. They are just as addicted. Maybe it wasn’t down for long enough.

Kara: I like how it wasn’t just “instagram” that was trending. It’s as though all these people thought that just their Instagram was down without regard for the idea that perhaps, the entire application wasn’t working. DEAR YOUTUBE GENERATION, THIS IS WHY OLD PEOPLE HATE US. 

  • Kim K

When: 7/1

Why: Kim Kardashian is sitting in the front row at the BET Awards

Shir: STOP LETTING THIS HAPPEN, UNIVERSE. Kim K needs to take a break from everything more than society often needs to take a break from social media. 

Kara: I’ll hand it to Kim. She played it as low-key as she is physically able and seemingly kept her mouth shut. As she should while seated next to three of the most talented performers currently on the planet Earth.

  • Anderson Cooper

When: 7/2

Why: Anderson Cooper surprises no one by announcing that he’s gay

Shir: Yay, Anderson! Obviously I am happy for him and whatnot, but his confirming this fact did not change how I felt about him, because I have known he was gay for about as long as I have known who he is. The plus side is, now we get to publicly be jealous of his boyfriend. 

Kara: UGHHH Anderson AND Frank Ocean? The gays are seriously getting all the good ones. Straight men, step your game up.

  • #July4th

When: 7/4

Why: Amurica’s birthday, yo

Shir: I’d like to thank every person I spent time with on Wednesday for not playing Katy Perry’s Firework. As much as I was excited for the celebrations of this wonderful day, I woke up with an anxiety that every party I went to would have a playlist with that song on repeat. Irrational fear much?

Kara: Not to brag, but clothing-wise, I was ridiculously prepared for this holiday. And I owe it all to Rihanna. So, yeah, it was a good day, but I don’t think I’ll ever be able to fully enjoy the birth of our nation until Arizona gone. A girl can dream.

  • #UnansweredHipHopQuestions

When: 7/6

Why: Because life is good

Shir: Best. Twitter. Trend. Ever. I’d like to share my favorite responses to this hashtag sitch. LOLs all around: 1. “Was it..or was it not Shaggy?”  &  2. “Did Miley Cyrus hit up Mack Maine 3 years later?”

Kara: I agree with Shir. This is a solid Twitter trending topic amongst a sea of the usual ridiculousness. However, I’m not going to bite. I know who killed Tupac so that’s pretty much the holy grail of hip hop knowledge. I need know nothing else.

#dennys

In all epic food battles, you have to pick a side: Coke or Pepsi, McDonalds or Burger King, Starbucks or Dunkin Donuts. In the battle between Denny’s and IHOP, there really is only one true winner. IHOP is a glorious palace of pancakey goodness, while Denny’s is it’s drunken, fuck-up stepbrother. Liking Denny’s is like liking really shitty food. Therefore, I strongly encourage all of you NOT to participate in this monstrosity of a contest Denny’s is offering.

To mark their “Tour of America” campaign, (which basically just involves them shilling a bunch of dishes that were “inspired” by different areas of the country) and the launch of their mobile app, Denny’s announced their “50 State Challenge”. The first person to check-in at a Denny’s in all 50 states will receive free Grand Slam breakfasts for life, which, really, on a number of levels, is just SO not worth it. It’s not worth your time and money spent traveling to every damn state in the country. It’s not worth the damage eating that much Denny’s will inevitably do to your heart and cholesterol. Mostly, it’s not worth eating a shit ton of Denny’s for the prize of being able to eat MORE DENNY’S.

I’d also like to point out that you have the option of completing this god-awful challenge with two other friends, but if you do so, you only receive free Grand Slams for a year. Seriously Denny’s? How much more could it possibly cost you to shell out for two more lifetime Grand Slam deals? I know the quality of your food is poor but at least step up the quality of your contests.

I’m sorry to say that the below items are the regionally inspired dishes of the “Tour of America” menu:

(Via Denny’s)

Brooklyn Spaghetti & Meatballs: So New York, so Italian. Three seasoned meatballs atop a bed of pasta covered in rich, meaty tomato sauce. Served with a side of Parmesan cheese and garlic toast. Magnifico.

It it really necessary to have meatballs AND meat sauce? Answer: No Denny’s it is not remotely necessary. Also, I mean, I get the whole New York/Italian food thing, but do you ever think of spaghetti and meatballs when you think of New York?

Midwestern Meat & Potatoes Sandwich: Grilled prime rib and French fries smothered in brown gravy topped with melted Swiss and American cheeses and mayo. Served on a Cheddar bun with a side of mashed potatoes and gravy.

WHY DO YOU NEED MASHED POTATOES WHEN THERE ARE ALREADY FRIES ON THE SANDWICH? ENOUGH WITH THE EMPTY CARBS DENNY’S. P.S. This looks painful.

Georgia Peach French Toast: A trip to the south is taken with a thick slice of French toast, topped with glazed fire-roasted peaches. Served with two eggs, choice of two bacon strips or two sausage links and hash browns.

This doesn’t necessarily look that awful but all they did was pour some canned peaches over french toast. Georgia would not be proud.

Hawaiian Tropical Pancakes Puppies: Six bite-sized round pancakes filled with sweet pineapple and white chocolate chips. Rolled in toasted coconut and served with warm syrup for dipping.

I dunno, do people really eat this kind of crap in Hawaii? Dear Culinary Masters of Denny’s: Adding pineapple and coconut does not automatically make something Hawaiian.

Southern Shrimp & Grits: Grilled shrimp over rich and creamy cheese grits topped with a jalapeño lemon butter sauce, sprinkled with crisp crumbled bacon and freshly diced tomatoes. Served with a side of dinner bread.

UGH BLAH LKAJDSFLAK GROSS. I mean, shrimp and grits are delicious but nothing here looks like the color it’s supposed to be, from that strangely opaque lemon butter sauce to the waaay too yellow grits.

Philly Cheesesteak Omelette: Three-egg omelette with grilled prime rib, fire-roasted peppers and onions, sautéed mushrooms and melted Swiss cheese. Served with a side of hash browns and your choice of bread.

I legitimately don’t even know what this is. (Unrelated: WHY didn’t someone notice that the salt and pepper shakers are empty? Get yo shit together Denny’s.)

(Via Denny’s)

Malibu Fish Tacos: Take a flavor trip up Highway 1. Two soft flour tortillas filled with haddock fried golden-brown, shredded cabbage, avocado, chipotle sauce and freshly made pico de gallo. Served with crisp tortilla chips and salsa.

Yeah, I dunno if I’d be eating avocado and fish from Denny’s. I also HIGHLY doubt the truthfulness behind the words “freshly made”.

Aside from the fact that most of this food looks disgusting, it needs to be noted that they have TWO Florida inspired dishes. That, for damn certain, we don’t need. Personally, I’m trying to forget that Florida is still even a part of this country. Also, they have THREE Hawaiian dishes. Look, I love Hawaii, it’s arguably my favorite place in the country, but I’ve never really known it to be a culinary hotbed or a huge part of our food culture. All I’m sayin’ is, three dishes seems pretty excessive.

For the love of all things good in the world, do not compete in this challenge. Every single part of your body will thank you.

-K