Some brilliant young soul started a We the People petition to officially change our national anthem from “The Star Spangled Banner” to R Kelly’s “Ignition (Remix)” and I for one am SO DOWN WITH THIS.
A number of excellent points are made for this change:
America has changed since Francis Scott Key penned our current anthem in 1814. Since then, we have realized that after the show, it’s the afterparty, and that after the party, it’s the hotel lobby, and–perhaps most importantly–that ’round about four, you’ve got to clear the lobby, at which point it’s strongly recommended that you take it to the room and freak somebody.
Ignoring for a moment, the actual violent uprising that would commence if a black president even glanced in the direction of this, I have decided to throw my official endorsement behind this great struggle.
6 Reasons To Support the Change of our national anthem to “Ignition (Remix)”
1) More musicians will get a chance
The fact that Rick Ross will probably never be able to perform his rendition of our national anthem keeps me up at night. Can you imagine the majestic insanity of Kanye West performing “Ignition (Remix)” at Hillary Clinton’s inauguration in four years?
In general, this change opens up the opportunity to sing the national anthem to a much broader talent base. “The Star Spangled Banner” is hard as shit to sing. Even seemingly good singers can’t handle it. Let’s level the playing field, shall we? It’s America after all.
Take the Super Bowl, for example. Look at the performers from the last ten years and see if their performances would have been made better by singing “Ingition (Remix)” instead of ”The Star Spangled Banner”:
2003: Dixie Chicks- Better
2004: Beyonce- Better
2005: Combined choirs of the U.S. Military Academy, the U.S. Naval Academy,
the U.S. Air Force Academy- Way Better
2006: Aaron Neville and Aretha Franklin- Better
2007: Billy Joel-Better
2008: Jordin Sparks- Better
2009: Jennifer Hudson-Better
2010: Carrie Underwood-Worse
2011: Christina Aguilera- Better
2012: Kelly Clarkson- Better
2013: Alicia Keys-Better
See that! 9/10. Boom
(Side note: DAMN American Idol has this shit on lockdown, yo.)
2) R Kelly pumps up a crowd much better than Francis Scott Key
Think about it. How many times do you hear the national anthem outside of a professional sporting event? This is our battle song! It needs to get the crowd and the players amped up and ready to defend the honor of this great nation. Besides, it seems like all Americans care about now anyway is football–which he mentions in the song!
3) This lyricism
Cristal poppin in the stretch Navigator
We got food every where
As if the party was catored
4) The instrumental version
Let’s be real, the instrumental version of “The Star Spangled Banner” is boooorring. I don’t know why they even subject people to that anymore. However, the instrumental version of “Ignition (Remix)”?
Pretty much just as good as the original. You don’t even need to hear the word “bounce” to know that RIGHT ABOUT NOW, IT IS TIME TO BOUNCE BOUNCE BOUNCE BOUNCE BOUNCE BOUNCE BOUNCE BOUNCE BOUNCE BOUNCE
5) The international community would thank us
Take the Olympics: We win all the medals anyway. You know all the other countries would much rather hear this. I believe this song has the potential to make the rest of the world like–nay, love–us again.
6) It speaks to our times
R Kelly ended his masterpiece with this line: We just thuggin it out…
That’s basically the 2013 Twitter-talk equivalent of “O’er the land of the free and the home of the brave.” It’s the most American thing I’ve ever heard. This speaks to the Instagramers and Snapchatters of today. At least this way they’ll finally know all the worlds to the national anthem.
All that being said, if this doesn’t work out, I’ll be starting a new petition to change the national anthem to the next best choice: “Pony” by Ginuwine.