Q. My just turned 18-year-old son, who is a senior in high school and lives at home, recently came home and told me he has his first girlfriend and that he is in love. He said she is older than he is. He looks a bit older than 18. Turns out his new love is 48 years old. That is a year older than me. I met her, and she is actually very nice and in love with my son. If I had grown up in this town, we would have been in school together and likely best friends. She is not his teacher or in any position that would be suspect. They simply met in a cafe and fell in Love. Is this OK?
A. Not really, no. Again, why has no one read Oedipus Rex?! More importantly, why on Earth would a 48 year old woman be interested in an 18 year old kid? 18 year old males are at the same maturity level as 14 year old girls. I’m not exactly sure what you can do about this situation considering the fact that he’s no longer a minor and if you tried to, say, take away his allowance, his new girlfriend could just step in. Let’s put it this way: no woman who is over the age of 21 and in her right mind would want to date an 18 year old guy. Ergo, she’s nuts. Try to have her committed.
Q. I recently lost my house after losing my job and being unable to keep up with the payments. A distant relative graciously let my teenage daughter and myself move in with them and work on their family farm. I sold a large share of my belongings and moved 1,000 miles to their place. Now for the problem; I saw their teenage son and his friend engaging in sex acts with the livestock. I’m mortified! I don’t know what to do. I don’t know if I should talk to his parents or not. This is now my place to live and my employment, but I can’t imagine staying here, whether I tell them or not. I don’t want my daughter around these boys, but I don’t have the means to move again or belongings to furnish it, not to mention how that would affect my daughter.
A. Run like the damn wind. Run and don’t look back.
Q. Last Valentine’s Day my boyfriend proposed to me very publicly. I was completely shocked and said yes, when in private I would have told him no. I am totally not ready for marriage, but I didn’t want to humiliate him. Afterward, I explained I wasn’t ready but was keen to talk about it in a few months. I suggested we tell our family and friends that we came to a mutual decision to postpone an engagement due to personal reasons. My boyfriend immediately became upset and said I was dishonest with him by saying yes in the first place. But I said yes because I didn’t want to publicly embarrass him by turning him down. I feel kind of angry that he put me in the spotlight like that when he knows I’m a private person. Who’s at fault here?
A. Both of you. It’s his fault for being an insensitive, shallow-thinking, selfish doofus. And it’s your fault for letting the relationship progress to a point where he thought marriage was a viable possibility. Honestly, I think the fact that you keep referring to him as your “boyfriend” instead of your “fiance” pretty much answers your question.
Q. One of the neighbors in my apartment building found out I work in IT for a living and a couple of times now, I’ve gotten repeated calls for my assistance for a computer “emergency” while trying to unwind at home after work. A computer/cable TV problem could take 10 seconds to fix, or 10 hours, and there’s no way to judge it accurately until I’m already trapped in their place. I realize (and have no qualms) with being the family fix-it guy, but how far should I extend this courtesy to neighbors before I should refer them to the “Computer Repair” section in the Yellow Pages?
A. Are neighbors your friends? I think until proven otherwise, these are probably two different things. Still, it would most likely be awkward to ask them for money, so I’d try to milk them for food instead. When you head over, start rubbing your stomach and mention how you haven’t had dinner and that there’s NO WAY you could be in the right frame of mind to fix their computer unless you had something in your stomach and Thai would be the perfect brain food.
Q. Last year my girlfriend and I attended a birthday party for a co-worker of hers with several other people we did not know. We all ordered a few pizzas and the others present ordered several bottles of wine. While we did not mind simply splitting the bill for the food, we both did not partake in the alcohol and felt it would be unfair if we paid for that as well. When the bill came we felt out of place to speak up about it, and no one else spoke up either. We ended up shelling out $80 and we each only had one slice of pizza! Are we wrong in thinking that while we’re happy to treat the birthday girl, we don’t want to pay for her friends’ alcohol? She’s having another birthday get-together in the coming week and we’re afraid of a repeat of last year.
A. 1) Convince your friend to pick a restaurant that’s BYOB. 2) Swing by the Trader Joe’s wine shop and pick up like, ten bottles of Two Buck Chuck. 3) Bring the wine. 4) Revel in your new title of Best Party Guests Ever.
Q. My wife and I were at our friend’s house for brunch. They have a 4-year-old girl adopted from China. I asked about the adoption in front of the child. I was surprised when our friends reacted harshly and changed the topic. The next day I got an email from him saying that I was out of line in mentioning the adoption in front of their daughter, that his wife cried all night, and he wants me to apologize. I was unaware that they hadn’t told the girl. They’re Caucasian, so it’s obvious. Should I apologize even though I don’t feel I did anything wrong?
A. You. Are. An. Idiot. Why the frickity frack would you say that in front of the CHILD? I don’t care if a couple of elephants have adopted a damn hummingbird. What is the point of bringing that up? Yes, you should apologize you silly fool. And try keeping your mouth shut for about, ever.