#trendingtopics

March 18th- March 23rd

  • Teens Are Sending 60 Texts a Day

When: 3/19

Why: A study found that teenagers, on average, send 60 text messages a day; up from 50 in 2009.

Shir: Why is this breaking news? Why is it trending? I think this is an average day for most people I know. I, on the other hand, am the laziest texter ever, and am not shocked by this discovery- just extremely fascinated. I wish I had that type of dedication, but my fat fingers are constantly getting in the way.

Kara: In ten years, human beings are going to forget how to speak.

  • Malia Obama

When: 3/20

Why: Reports surface that Malia Obama, who was in the country on a school trip, was safe after an earthquake in Mexico.

Shir: I literally don’t know anything about this earthquake other than the fact that it happened, Malia was there, and that she’s ok. I hope everyone else is ok too?

Kara: I don’t understand why we weren’t all infinitely more concerned about this. Malia was possibly in danger! I would have happily sent my tax dollars below the border to rescue her. Disclaimer: I love the Obamas more than I love the Carters, which is saying a lot.

  • Kim Zolciak

When: 3/20

Why: The blonde one from the Real Housewives of Atlanta announces that she’s preggers again.

Shir: I’m sure Kim is a perfectly nice person, but as Giuliana Rancic said in a moment of weakness on Fashion Police after Snooki announced her pregnancy: “something is wrong in the universe when she can get pregnant and I can’t.” So yeah, universe. Maybe this would have been a good situation to spread the wealth. G deserves this one.

Kara: GOOD LORD this bitch JUST had a baby. Yowza she pops them out fast! Kim, you are an anomaly in a wig.

  • S Club 7

When: 3/21

Why: You favorite multiethnic, mixed gender, British pop group announces plans for a reunion tour.

Shir: Really? Because your career was sooo successful the first time around? I’m just hating because I never really got on the S Club 7 bandwagon. But really this seems unnecessary. This isn’t like the Spice Girls or The Rolling Stones. Nobody is asking for a reunion tour

Kara: Haterz gon’ hate. (See above) I. Loved. S Club 7. I remember waking up early to watch their show on Fox Family and it was stupendous. If this tour comes to the US I am THERE because there ain’t no party like an S Club party.

  • The Hunger Games

When: 3/23

Why: The Hunger Games movie is finally released.

Shir: I don’t think I need to express my levels of anticipation/anxiety/adoration/addiction to The Hunger Games to you all. But just to make it clear. The only reason I wasn’t at a midnight showing last night is because I was on a plane. I literally just landed in NYC and am on my way to a movie theater. Side note: I have never gone to the movies by myself. This is already the most overwhelming cinematic experience of my life, and I haven’t even picked up my tickets yet.

Kara: Because I’m cooler than you, I already saw the movie at an early screening on Tuesday. However, had I been an actual fan of the books, it probably would have been much more exciting. I liked it, but I have one major complaint: Liam Hemsworth did not get NEARLY enough screentime. Had I known this, I might have rethought my decision to see the movie. You are a lucky girl Miley. You are a lucky, lucky girl. 

#timtebow

So, Tim Tebow is coming to New York! The Jets! When I heard this I thought: “Ok, so the ones who didn’t win the Super Bowl. The other guys, right?”

This is perfect because New York doesn’t have enough men with inflated egos who have too much cash that was earned by doing work that provides little to no tangible value to society.

I kid. Kinda. I’m a sports fan! Really. In all honesty, I’m a fan of anything that makes this place I now call home even a little bit more ridiculous. Either way, I welcome you Tim Tebow. But I probs won’t be watching any of your games, assuming you get a chance to play.

The real question is this: Is New York big enough for two überChristian sports heroes who face tremendous pressure due to the fact that fans can’t properly manage their expectations for them? I guess we shall see. But now, some non-football advice for Timmy as he  transitions into big city life:

Loosen up

This is New York City baby! You’re moving to, arguably, the greatest city in the world. The Gotham Big Apple that Never Sleeps in the World’s Biggest Urban Playground! I’m not saying you need to go all Rob Gronkowski on us, but you definitely need to take a scoop from your fun tank. Remember that time you went to Las Vegas and all you did was go to Cirque du Soleil with your brother? Remember that time you wore jeans in an underwear ad? Come on, man. You’re 24 years-old. Act like it. I expect to see you stumbling out of some trendy, embarrassingly overpriced club in the Meatpacking District at least four times this summer.

Get down with the Gays

To be fair, you’ve never explicitly expressed your stance on gay marriage and gay rights, but the fact that you’re supposedly not allowed to talk about it is suspect. Plus, that cheesy, not-so-subtle pro-life Focus on the Family commercial doesn’t bode well. (FOF ain’t too keen on homosexuals, to say the least, yo.)  However, I will not be one to jump to conclusions. So, if you’re not already down with gay people, get down. We have more of them than Denver and they are wonderful and can get married here.

Enough with the Tebowing. Seriously

You may not even play, right? Don’t the Jets already have a quarterback? The one who dated the chick from the Hills? If so, you need to tone down this showboating in the name of God. Isn’t the whole point of prayer that it’s a private moment between you and God? Hint: We can all see you out there! This pomp that you call prayer ain’t private. Come up with a new thing. Also, I’m not sure if you understand New Yorkers. It takes them about 4.35 seconds to jump on an exciting bandwagon. I DO NOT WANT TO SEE PEOPLE DOING THIS IN THE SUBWAY TIMMY!

Do not date Taylor Swift

We all heard about your little dinner date. Leave it at that. She is the Queen of Cling and when the affair inevitably ends, she will write a syrupy, plodding song about you. You do not want this, Tim. You’ll be able to find TONS overly cutesy and obsessive lady friends right here in New York. Along those same lines…

Do not date Katy Perry

This, really, should go without saying. Do not give in to her advances! I know it’s confusing but she can’t actually shoot things out of her boobs like that.

Choose your endorsements carefully

Soon you will be in the country’s largest market. You’ll probably have your pick of (even more) endorsements. Do not pull an Amare:

Something like this being on a billboard in Times Square is very different from it being on a billboard on the side of the 16th Street Mall.

Do not become friends with Jeremy Lin

Way too obvious and we’ll all see right through it. Plus, honestly, Jeremy is a nice guy and all, but he is definitely not the right person to help you loosen up. Why don’t you see what Alex Rodriguez is up to? Perhaps there’s another bikini party he’ll send you an invite for.

Do not sign up for a reality  show

Hopefully you learned something from Kris Humphries. You’re already treading a fine line buddy. Sure, people like you fine, but more than anything, they’re fascinated by you. It is very easy for fascination to turn into annoyance and annoyance into hate. There are no halos to protect you in New York.

So Timmy, New York and I welcome you with open arms! Oops, or maybe not.

-K

#headlines

Unfortunately, the news has been sucking lately. And by news I mean the ground-breaking stuff released by my friends at People and Us Weekly. To cope with this, I have created more exciting stories to go along with what these publications have been putting out.

“The Situation: I Had a Prescription Drug Problem”

What I want to believe happened: In an as-of-yet unaired plot line, the two most famous J.Shore cast members have a secret affair that none of the other roommates know about. Snooki then reveals to the world that she is pregnant with Gianni’s baby, is officially engaged, and is on the way to motherhood and married bliss. The Situation is so distraught that has one true guidette love is still not leaving Gianni so they can run away together, and he falls into a downward spiral of drugs, binge drinking, and pale skin. In hopes to get Snooki’s attention again, he admits publicly that he is in a bad place and is trying to take care of himself.

What actually happened: The Situation is addicted to Adderall, Valium, etc. He has checked himself into a spa rehab facility in Utah. There is literally no depth to this story or to his personality.

“Sarah Jessica Parker Reaches Out to “Young Carrie Bradshaw” AnnaSophia Robb”

What I want to believe happened: SJP finally realized that although she has been an actress her whole life, more people in the world will recognize her as Carrie Bradshaw than as Sarah Jessica Parker for as long as she lives. She then reached out to the amateur trying to steal this character from her, and told AnnaSophia Robb that she needs to back off, and pulled one of those “I will make sure you never work in this town again!” diva lines.

What actually happened: SJP gave AnnaSophia her blessing (again, what is with the smushed together double name?).

What a snoozefest.

-S

#dating

Whenever that little voice in my head yells out, “You’re 23 and single! What are you doing girl? Something’s not right!” I reach for the latest issue of Cosmopolitan or head over to their really well-organized website to help me solve this conundrum. Cosmo is great at explaining why I’m still single, everything I’m doing wrong in dating situations, and how to dress and do my makeup like a porn star.

Thank goodness for 5 Dating Screw-Ups You Don’t Realize You’re Making, because obviously you must be doing something wrong. And thank goodness, they got a man to give us little ladies some advice! Look, men can be really dumb. Women can be really dumb. In this case, a bunch of women were really dumb because they listened to an even dumber man.

The Red Flag: You wear smoky eyes on a first date


What Men See: We worry that you’re high-maintenance, since that eye makeup looks like it took a while to do. Plus, that eye shadow could get on our pillow. And we don’t wash our sheets.

Your Move: Skip the smoky eyes for the first few dates. Try toning it down a bit and distract us with one of those cleavage necklaces. It’s pure and simple science that our eyes cannot escape the magnetic pull of a nice rack.

First off, who the hell says you’re going to be in a position to get our eye shadow on your pillow, you presumptuous twerp?  Listen boys, let me say this one more time: Women don’t dress for men. Women dress for women. Plain and simple. No women really cares if you think our outfit or makeup looks good. We care what other women and gay men, people who know what they’re talking about, think. Why would we want beauty and fashion advice from someone who doesn’t know anything about makeup or women’s clothes beyond, “Yeah, that’s hot”? To put it another way: when she put on that smoky eye makeup, she wasn’t thinking about your silly ass. I never thought I’d say this, but I’d like to quote Ashton Kutcher:

“I realized that when it comes to getting dressed, men are a little bit more important than handbags but less important than shoes. At any rate, we are merely accessories.”

TRUTH.

The Red Flag: You’ve gone on three dates, and we still haven’t gotten to first base.

What Men See: We’re not looking for a floozy, but we are looking to fulfill our instinctual need for a little love. If it’s been three dates and you’re not down to do…anything, we’re starting to wonder if it’s ever going to happen.

Your Move: You might think you’ve given him obvious hints that you want to do something. The truth is, it doesn’t matter. If you’re into him, just move forward with things a little—pull him close and kiss him, or have a down-and-dirty makeout session on his couch. Not comfortable with it? Be honest and set his expectations according to what you’re feeling. Just know that he wanted some action yesterday. (And if you’re not into him, stop wasting everyone’s time.)

I can’t even comment on this because I’m fighting the urge to go Kill Bill on this Bill Nichols idiot.

The Red Flag: You can’t cook.

What Men See: First of all, these words should never come out of your mouth. There’s no need. No matter how bad of a cook you think you are, chances are you’re better than you think, and chances are even greater that you’re a much better cook than him.

Your Move: Guys are pretty simple creatures, so it’s not like you need to be a master chef in order to please us. Focus on simple meals. Just like girls feel like they don’t go on any “real” dates, it’s a rarity that a girl makes a meal for a guy. Which means, of course, that it’ll be that much more special when you do (and you can recruit him to help out).

Hey, Bill, you know what words should never come out of your mouth? Everything. And guess what? I CAN’T COOK! I CAN’T COOK! I CAN’T COOK! BLAH BLAH BLAH SUCK IT. You know the scene from Clueless where Cher “bakes” by dropping an entire roll of cookie dough into the oven? I love that scene. I am that scene. I shop almost exclusively in the frozen food section of Trader Joe’s and I’m damn proud of it. Hey, guys, how about this one: Can you cook? Because I’m pretty sure you’re not implying that, as a woman, I have some sort of “domesticity” chip that’s activated at puberty. Also, my ability to cook is completely unrelated to my willingness to cook for you. That’s what your mom is for.

The Red Flag: You only order top-shelf vodka

What Men See: There’s a big difference between the girl who orders a vodka tonic and a girl who orders a Grey Goose and tonic. This subtle nuance tells us that you’re either high-maintenance or you really care about labels.

Your Move: Just don’t be so stubborn that you need to order this so explicitly. Order these on your own and when a guy offers to buy you a drink, simply say “vodka tonic.” You can’t go wrong with that. That doesn’t mean you can never have top-shelf liquor. If you actually start dating him, he’ll know soon enough what your favorite is—and he’ll be happy to get it for you.

Or, she knows what she wants and isn’t afraid to ask for it. Or she can pay for her own damn drink. Or, doesn’t want to drink crappy alcohol. I’m confused, is it alright for you to order an expensive drink? What exactly does it say about a man who orders a Grey Goose and tonic? Suck on that one Cosmo. At any rate, if she likes nice things, then she likes nice things. Might as well let you know from the get-go!

The Red Flag: You still have an AOL, Yahoo!, or Hotmail email address.

What Men See: You’re either from the sticks, you’re technologically unaware, or you’re over 40. There’s not a lot of wiggle room, here. File this red flag under the same category as “she isn’t on Facebook” and “she’s STILL on MySpace.”

Your Move: Other than signing up for Gmail, which you should definitely still do, make fun of yourself for this. The fact that you’re now aware of the fact that this makes you look ridiculous is one step forward in your ability to date better.

Are you kidding me? First of all, why one Earth would this come up during a first date? Think about the type of guy who would bring this up and make it an issue on the first date.

Ladies, if a guy wants to know your email provider in the first date, run. Run fast and run far.

At the end of the day, who cares what “guys” think? Be yourself, yo!

-K

#skechers

Skechers is potentially the most offensive shoe brand ever. Like…more offensive than Merrells. And this is because they are constantly trying to pawn themselves off as something they are not. Listen up, Skechers: Nobody likes posers.

First they offend the world by paying the Kardashians far too much money to endorse their “shape-up” sneakers, which are a rip-off of Reebok’s Easytone sneaker. I literally had to stop following Kris Jenner on Twitter because I got so sick of her very obvious tweets about “running around in her Skechers Shape-ups because I don’t have time to go to they gym!” I don’t care how much they were paying you, Kris, but having me as a follower is pretty priceless and you gave that up. Jay kay amigos. Sort of.

However, more recently, Skechers has copied a different shoe brand. They introduced their new shoe line, called Bobs. The company promises to give a pair of shoes to a child in need for every pair of Bobs that is purchased. Sound familiar?

Look familiar???

Yeah, they are just casually copying everything that Toms has created. Not that this would come as a surprise to anyone reading this, but I can spot knock-offs a mile away. However, I don’t think I would even notice someone wearing fake Toms because since when has that ever even existed? It’s not like they are ripping off the popular shoe style and getting rid of the charity aspect of it, so at least that is nice. But seriously, they couldn’t choose a different philanthropic cause or shoe design?

This is grossly disturbing because they are so obviously profiting from something that the folks at Toms have worked so hard to create and bring awareness to. When you become so lazy and unimaginative as a company that you can’t even come up with your own good cause, you should probably reevaluate your company’s core values.

Not that I ever owned a pair of Skechers or planned on buying any…but I am boycotting them. You should too.

-S

#katyperry

UUUGGHH guys, Katy Perry opened her mouth again.

Shut up Katy

You know, it’s one thing for Katy Perry to be a general affront to music, talent, and common sense but it’s something else entirely when she messes with the Carters.

Yesterday, Katheryn Elizabeth Hudson managed to insult both Beyonce and Jay-Z in the span of a single day.

First, she drags “Ni**as in Paris” through the mud by afflicting the world with her rendition of the song. She took one of the best songs of 2011 and did this to it.

Jeeessuuuus. I mean, she must be used to shame; she’s Katy Perry after all. But this is a whole new level of humiliation even for her. On one hand, she does ruin music on a pretty regular basis, but at least that’s her own stuff. Here, she took a GREAT song and Katy Perry-ed it. Guys, that was so bad. Like, SO BAD. At least she had enough sense to buffer the whole thing with, “This is about to get real embarrassing.” Well that is for damn certain, Katy. That. Is. For. Damn. Certain.

Thank you ?uestlove

“Ni**as in Paris” is Jay and Kanye, quite possibly the two coolest guys on the planet, balling out for three minutes and thirty-nine seconds just because they can. That’s basically the entire premise of the song: two black guys with beaucoup money taking over a city that is the standard for sophistication and style. Katy Perry could not possibly have any less to do with that.

So, that happened. But she couldn’t just leave it at that. Later in the day, comments she made regarding her upcoming collaboration with Rihanna were released:

We’ve collaborated on a lot of things, but just not songs yet. It’s one of those things that’s got so much build up that we have to deliver. I want it to be like that Eurythmics and Aretha Franklin song “Sisters Are Doin’ It for Themselves,” not “Beautiful Liar.” But I definitely want to do something that is so iconic. Rihanna’s kind of busy too. We’re both busy but we planted the seed two years ago. How disappointed would you be if that song came out and it’s no good? Sometimes you have to wait for greatness.

WHOA. Just WHOA. Did this blue-haired little pop tart just compare herself to ARETHA FRANKLIN? I think she just did.

In one breath, she suggested that she existed in the same universe as Aretha Franklin AND she insulted Beyonce and Shakira. (Do you hear that? That’s me screaming.)

Let’s just take a step back for a second. It physically hurts me to compare Katy Perry to Beyonce so I’m not even going to go there. However, Shakira doesn’t deserve that either. “Beautiful Liar” brought together Shakira and 2007 Beyonce. Do you know what 2007 Beyonce was doing? SHE WAS KILLING IT. Katy, you have sold 11 million albums. Laundry Service alone sold 14 million. Shakira’s success marked the crossover of Spanish artists into the American market. She made belly dancing cool! Nothing about comparing you and Rihanna to Beyonce and Shakira makes any sense. (Rihanna, I love you girl but I think you would agree with me.)

Luckily, it seems that this collabo won’t be happening anytime too soon. “Sometimes you have to wait for greatness,” Katy said. We’ll be waiting a hell of a long time then, won’t we.

A word of advice Katy: Under promise. Over deliver. You, especially, need to live by these words. By comparing yourself to Aretha Franklin and suggesting that your song will be better than “Beautiful Liar,” you’ve already set yourself up for failure. People will remember these words. They will remember and bring them up the second your song comes out. You do not want this, Katy Perry.

So there we have it: In 24 hours Katy Perry managed insult a couple whose power, talent, and overall swag is matched only by the Obamas.

A final note:

Katy, this is you:

These are the Carters:

To quote the Parent Trap, get the picture?

-K