#dominoslive

The marketing team at Dominos deserves some sort of vacation or detoxing getaway because they’re really pushing it with their latest ploy: Dominos Live.

dominos live

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You will soon be able to watch a live stream of the pizza making process at a Dominos location in Salt Lake City, Utah. “Why would I want to watch that? Why Salt Lake City, Utah?” you ask. Well I got nothing for ya because none of that makes any sense to me either.

dominos live

Take your pick of five cameras and watch, from start to finish, as we make delicious oven-baked food. And because this is a real store, we’ll be busiest between 7:30pm ET/4:30pm PT and 12:30am ET/9:30pm PT

I mean, just why? I sort of understand the appeal of watching your personal pizza be made, if there is literally nothing else going on in your life, on television or the internet. But even then, if I wanted to be that involved in the process, I’d just make the damn pizza myself.

I will admit that the online Dominos tracker they have now can be pretty entertaining. I used to answer the door already knowing the delivery person’s name and would ask them how the person who made the pizza–Bob/Joe/Whoever, was doing. After a few times though, the weirdo, stalkerish novelty of it all wore off quickly.

I really hope that Dominos Live is not the future.  Note to other restaurants: Uh uh. Resist please. I understand that the idea behind this is that we’ll get to see that Dominos pizza is, in fact, handmade with fresh ingredients blah blah blah, but honestly, when I’m ordering pizza from Dominos, freshness is just not my main concern. Let’s be real, if we cared how Dominos pizza was made, we probably would’t be eating it. Ignorance is delicious, delicious bliss.

-K

#budweiser

Budweiser has really been doing a lot lately with their marketing tactics. I mean, is it really that difficult to sell cheap beer to  20-somethings when it’s available literally everywhere they’re bound to be?

This time, Budweiser is testing out a social media cup and the poor beer drinkers of Brazil are the lab rats. The Budweiser Buddy Cup is linked to your Facebook account and when you toast your glass with another person’s Buddy Cup, you automatically become Facebook friends.

Budweiser Buddy Cup

Oh man, where do we begin?

Budweiser Buddy Cup

I’m sure we’re all eager to be drinking out of something wired with electronic hardware, no? Nothing inopportune could ever come from that, right?

Budweiser Buddy Cup

The Buddy Cup makes the ridiculous assumption that your Facebook friends are automatically your actual friends, which was perhaps true in 2007 but I think we all know that that ship has sailed.

Budweiser Buddy Cup

What if you toast with someone’s cup and later realize that they’re a creepy rando who can now stalk you on Facebook and download all your pictures? Even worse! What if you accidentally bumped glasses with someone and didn’t realize? HOW IS THIS EVEN LEGAL?

Baseline and all other concerns aside, this is just dumb. Imagine waking up after a night out and realizing that you decided to pour it up with half the bar and now they’re all writing on your Facebook wall and posting stupid pictures of you. WE DON’T NEED THIS.

Considering that the Buddy Cup is quite obviously directed at the millennial generation, I am quite offended.

Budweiser Buddy Cup

TOASTING DOES NOT NEED AN UPGRADE. We’re good! We’ve got it, yo. If Budweiser is saying that we can’t even make friends while we’re drinking without the help of technology, then we have much bigger issues at hand.

-K

#pizzahut

I no longer play video games for the same reason I no longer do homework–I am not 16 and I graduated from high school. However, some of you do and Pizza Hut and Xbox have set their sights on your money and possibly your self respect.

Pizza Hut and Xbox are launching an app for the Xbox 360 that will allow you to place a pizza order directly from your Xbox console. NEAT! Because we all know how difficult and time consuming it is to order pizza using your phone or computer these days.

pizza hut and xbox

(via)

On one hand, this is brilliant because I’m quite certain avid Xbox users ain’t hankering for a salad; but do we really want to make life THIS easy, guys?

We’re going down a slippery slope. Ordering calorie parties while playing a sedentary game that sucks you in for hours and hours of inactivity? I know we’re basically already able to do with our computers and smarts phones but don’t we have to draw the line somewhere?

The Pizza Hut for Xbox app makes the chain’s entire menu accessible to users, who can then build their own customized pizzas and place orders via Kinect motion controls, voice commands or the controller.

Holy hot hell. VOICE! You can just lay there on your bean bag chair and roll your neck around like a newborn baby and have a pizza delivered to your lap? What is this? The future!?

After submitting an order, users can share their choice with friends via Facebook.

Nope nope nope. No one cares. No one cares that you’re eating pizza and they for damn certain don’t care if you ordered it through an app without disrupting your eight hour Halo-thon. Do not post this.

The real issue here is that Xbox partnered with Pizza Hut–the company that continues to sully the name of pizza around the globe. Was Domino’s not available?

-K

#foxnews

Jay-Z has a real problem, (and no I’m not going to make a “99 Problems” joke because I’m not a hackneyed jerk) it seems that the entire Republican party is pathologically obsessed with him.

This time, we have Fox News something or other Dana Perino “rapping” a response to Hov and Bey’s vacation to Cuba, which truly has been beaten about as much as a sensationalist, non-newsworthy story can be.

Just in case you need to process this all a bit more slowly, here are the lyrics:

Well my name is Tiny-D, and I’m here to say
I bust funky-fresh rhymes in a major way
So I’m white like Casper, got a dog named Jasper
And if you don’t think Beyonce fears me, go ahead and ask her
So if you love Castro, stick with Jay-Z
But if you love your freedom, pick Day-P

HAHAHAHA isn’t that HI-larious? Isn’t it funny when people who know nothing about hip hop mock it and indirectly chalk it up to their unfamiliarity with urban culture–because, you know, only black people and rappers live in urban areas.

I’d also like to point out that this fool starts the verse with one name (Tiny-D) and ends it with another, (Day-P) which is particularly stupid when you realize that they have the EXACT SAME RHYME SCHEME.

Dana Perino and whoever else was able to fit into her clown car that day, continued with their sarcastic, unfunny bullshit saying things like:

“Rap is such a complicated form of music”

and

“For a white girl from Colorado that was damn good.”

ALKSJALKF DJASKLF SA SADFA Christ on a full calorie cracker. I wish I could accurately communicate the look on my face right now. This is embarrassing. For all of us.

People for whom Dana Perino’s rappity rap is embarrassing:

  • First and absolutely foremost, Dana herself
  • White people
  • Women
  • White girls from Colorado
  • Conservatives
  • Music lovers
  • That microphone
  • Non-deaf people
  • Human beings who have a modicum of respect for other people
  • The graphics designer in charge of this segment

Dana Perino

  • Her blouse
  • Her dog
  • The entire Casper franchise
  • People who know how US laws work
  • Those of us who aren’t brain dead/recently had a lobotamy
  • George W. Bush

I hope you and fellow awful person Marco Rubio enjoy these little brushes with hip hop culture. It’s what keeps life exciting dontchaknow.

The only upside here is that she wasted eight to ten hours of her life writing this tripe instead of whatever other evil deeds she does for Fox News. Hey Dana, I hope you wrote another stupid ass rap for the other 400,000 Americans who visit Cuba every year.

-K

#thuzio

If you’ve ever wanted to spend ridonkulous amounts of money on manufactured experiences with people whose heyday is long gone, Thuzio is the site for you: Thuzio has selected some of the most popular athletes in your area to provide you with Memorable Experiences, Personal Instruction, and unique Corporate Events.

The site offers appearances–which, I get because it’s probably much easier for these people to go this route than have a full-time, expensive agent–along with a whole bunch of other random experiences (services?).

Por ejemplo, if you are a big Marvin Jones fan (I don’t now who that is) you can spend $500 to play a game of pick-up football (I assume its football although it’s not specified) with him.

Thuzio

(Side note: How many tightly-wound tiger parents do you think are going to abuse this and shell out stupid amounts of cash so their uncoordinated child can be coached by a professional athlete?)

I also have a few questions about this pick-up game business. One, some of these guys are pretty old and definitely banged up. Is it really that much fun to play football with an old guy who used to be good? Also, other than basketball, where you can play one-on-one, don’t you need quite a few people for a game of pick-up football or baseball? So all the other people you’re forced to invite get to play for free while you shell out $500? Yeah, no thanks.

Thuzio

My favorite is the “phone call” option. First off, I wouldn’t pay $150 to call ANYBODY. Second, look at this: ”Have a passionate hockey fan in your life? Give that person a gift they will never forget — a personal call from Brandon. (Up to 10 minutes)” HOLD UP. HOLD UP. TEN MINUTES? That’s it?? Fifteen dollars a minute just to talk on the phone? Oh hellzzz nawl. And what are you talking about? Does this come with talking points or off-limit topics or can you just spend $150 asking an NHL player what his favorite brand of ice cream is?

thuzio

Would you pay over SIX THOUSAND DOLLARS to hear Zach Randolph’s story? You should not. Does Zach Randolph even have a story? Something that’s deeper than playing professional basketball? I’m sure this man has given an interview or two in his life. Dig those up and keep your money.

dean kaarnazes

I don’t have much to say about this guy other than I feel like “Ultramarathonman” is a made up thing.

There’s also a whole section called “Other,” so you know it’s gonna be good.

gene snitsky

ATTEND A PAY PER VIEW. Why specifically pay per view? If he’s willing to do that he might as well be willing to come over to your house to watch whatever you want as long as you’re paying three THOUSAND dollars for it. By the way, what can a WWE wrestler coach you on? Acting? Gene will also attend “celebrations” such as a Bar Mitzvahs or a weddings because of course you want a scary-looking stranger around during life’s most poignant moments.

kobayashi

Another non-athlete up in this biz is Takeru Kobayashi. Hope you’re hungry though because all he’ll do is eat lunch or dinner with you for ONE THOUSAND FIVE HUNDRED REAL HUMAN DOLLARS. The kicker here is that you don’t even get to choose the restaurant: “Kobayashi will join you and up to 4 guests at lunch or dinner. You choose between these three NYC restaurants: Plein Sud in TriBeCa, Home Restaurant or Palma. Kobayashi will share stories from his career. Please contact us for a party of more than 5 people. (Up to 90 minutes)” Is he unable to eat in any other restaurants? Move his body above 14th street?  I do not understand. Do you think you also have to pay for lunch? Because that would be some bullsheeeet.

However, the most egregious thing on this site is from Tara Lipinksi who was famous fifteen years ago for winning a gold medal in a kind-of sport in the fake winter Olympics.

tara lipinski

WHOAAAA there girl. I would love to know how Tara Lipinksi is going to add $25,000 worth of value to your corporate outing.

You know, it’d be one thing if the money from all this stuff went to charity, but no. Your money is just going towards stroking an ego and erecting new trophy cases or paying down strip club debts. Hope it’s worth it.

-K

#bearpettingzoo

The Governor of Michigan has approved a bill that will allow bear petting zoos because everyone is really into making stupid decisions these days.

bear petting zoo

(via)

Seriously guys, I’m not sure that a bear petting zoo is the best idea we’ve come up with as humans. Sure, they’re only going to let you pet the bear cubs but still…

“The new measure will allow the public to interact with bears up to 90 pounds and 36 weeks old.”

UH UH. 90 pounds? Helllllzz no. That is still too damn big. These things ain’t drunk koala bears who couldn’t hurt you without stumbling and asking for an Aspirin and a bacon egg and cheese sandwich.

“Previously, the Large Carnivore Act had prohibited direct human contact with large carnivores, including bears.”

WHICH YEAH, SOUNDS LIKE A PRETTY GOOD IDEA HAHA. That sounds like an excellent bill–one rooted in logic and concern for the well being of human beings. Why are we not still doing that?

OH because Michigan wants to make a quick buck by hawking this as some sort of tourist attraction.

I’m placing the blame here on Governor Snyder, who, by the way, is kind of a bigot. What he doesn’t realize, however, is that the same people who are going to pay to pet black bears are the same people who vote for him, so don’t get mad when they all start getting attacked by those bear cubs Snyds.

Like most of my worries when idiots are involved with something, I fear that this will snowball and other places will start adopting this trend.

Millions of people can’t say they’ve touched a black bear. It’s quite a thing.”

Of all the things I want to do in my life, touching a black bear is not really one of them. Touching Blue Ivy, however, is an entirely different story.

It’s also worth noting that Michigan zoo officials are not down with this bill, stressing that: “scratches and bites from the ‘unpredictable’ animals can cause injury, disease or death.”

Well no everloving shit.

Do not sign me up. Do. Not. Sign. Me. Up. I value a silly little thing called my life. And let me say right here and now that I am not going to feel a shred of empathy for the fools who end up injured as a result of this madness.

THIS IS YOLO CULTURE, FOLKS.

-K