I don't know what "Sass" is or why old people don't want it, but I'll take it.It sounds like a sexy ass.

— Shane (@shanethevein) April 30, 2013

I always promptly return phone calls right after I exhaust all my other possibilities.

— Eastwood (@Eagle_Vision) April 30, 2013

Every time Justin Bieber looks over the top of his sunglasses, an angel gets its wings ripped off. :(

— kelly oxford (@kellyoxford) April 30, 2013

"HEY DON'T WRITE ANYTHING ABOUT THE NBA ON TWITTER TODAY. PLEASE!!!" -PR teams to their homophobic clients

— Aziz Ansari (@azizansari) April 29, 2013

i am trying to figure out how i can show up to this girl's birthday party without looking better than her. i cant.

— Danielle Prescod (@danielleprescod) April 26, 2013

The real George W. Bush Presidential Library is just a zip file animated gifs hosted at University of Phoenix.

— Andrew Ti (@ANDREWTI) April 25, 2013

OK. So, you don't have diabetes. What do you do!? twitpic.com/clb4b7

— Bill Mc7 (@BillMc7) April 23, 2013

Taylor Swift seems like the kind of person who asks for her friendship bracelets back during an argument.

— Jessica (@Schmoodles) April 23, 2013

America announces University of Florida degrees no longer count because Ryan Lochte has one

— Fake SportsCenter (@FakeSportsCentr) April 22, 2013

White guys with Black guy names-- Neat trick.

— J Lee (@jleefilm) April 18, 2013

if you instagram 1000 pics in a row of just your dog, im fully onboard. if you do 2 in a row of just your face, somethings wrong, right?

— Chris Kelly (@imchriskelly) April 23, 2013

Electronic cigarettes are the Bluetooth headsets of edgy people.

— Moshe Kasher (@moshekasher) April 23, 2013

Target's tagline should be "How the fuck did I just spend $150"

— Josh Hara (@yoyoha) April 9, 2013

I feel there's still hope for this world every time my computer's spellcheck doesn't recognize Kardashian.

— Damien Fahey (@DamienFahey) April 8, 2013

Workin on a new bill to outlaw voicemails. The "missed call" is all I need.

— Barack Obama (@ThePresObama) April 8, 2013

I know it's hard to hear, but you aren't better than everyone else because you gave birth. I will stand by this when I have children.

— christine teigen (@chrissyteigen) April 9, 2013

Any adult who knows a little too much about bus routes has a DUI.

— Travis Bowe (@BoweKnows) April 8, 2013

If you're over 30 and going to Coachella as an audience member, you have some soul searching to do.

— stella bugbee (@stellabugbee) April 8, 2013