#farewell

To all of our dear #sasstag readers,

After nearly a year and a half of the best sass we had to offer, #sasstag is coming to an end. Shir just moved to LA and while a bicoastal blog sounds enticing, there is just something very NYC-centric about our site. We want to thank you, our friends/family/readers, for supporting and enjoying  #sasstag. Our goal was to make you laugh and we hope we were able to do that once or twice.

While there won’t be anymore #sasstag updates, we would love to continue discussing Justin Bieber’s selfie addiction and Lindsay Lohan’s legal troubles with you, so keep in touch on Twittier (@shirgenish @kararbrown).

And for your blogging needs, Kara is going to continue to bring you the lolz on a new site! Stay tuned for updates on her blog, which will launch at the end of the month.

Again, thank you all so much for reading! It’s been a blast and we wouldn’t have made it this far without you guys.

-K & S

#AOL

It’s been a looong time since you could give someone an AOL email address as a form of contact and have them not lose respect for you as a human being. Seriously though…these days, having an active AOL email address makes you a social pariah. If you don’t know that already, and you do have an active AOL email address, please stop reading this blog. We just can’t be associating with one another. Also, this should go without saying, but if you have a Hotmail or Yahoo email address I am pretty sure you belong in prison so just go turn yourself in now.

 

Just to clarify– your SocCeRgUrL84@aol.com address that you use for spam emails and such does not constitute an active America Online email address. By “active AOL account” I mean if you hand me a business card that has an AOL email address on it I will know for sure that you are a psychopath. Which legitimately happened to me this week at a proper business function (!).

Anyways, I know this all seems pretty speculative…like I am sitting here on my high Gmail horse without any proof to back up the fact that these older email service providers need to just be eradicated. But now there is proof that people who use AOL are creepy mofos (just you wait, this will for sure be a plot line in the next Law & Order: SVU episode). An event booking company in the UK released some info that people who book services using an AOL email address are more likely to book something sleazy– like a visit to a strip club– rather than more wholesome activities us Gmail users enjoy, such as eating out or going on a good old regular pub crawl.

Not only that, but AOL users also spent less money than users of other email addresses. So they’re not just sleazy…they’re sleazy and cheap. GREAT combo. Shockingly, Yahoo came in second on the Email Sleaziness Scale (not what they’re calling it but they totally should), and Hotmail came in third. I really would have assumed it would be the exact opposite, but this information is coming out of Europe so clearly they have lower standards for their email service providers than we do.

Bottom line is- if you have anything other than Gmail or a work/school related email address, you shouldn’t be surprised if you fit the description of many a criminal profile. It’s time to make the switch.

-S

#newyearseve

I know it’s not even Christmas yet, despite what advertisers are trying to make you believe, (buying a gift ten days before an event, by the way, is NOT last minute!!!!) but peeps are already starting to stress about their New Years Eve plans. Let me help you out with this: New Years Eve is the absolute worst. The WORST WORST WORST.

Just stay home and avoid drunk drivers. Get some of your friends to come over, buy some booze, order some pizza and call it a damn day. Seriously. And whatever you do, do not make a special trip to New York City just for New Years Eve. There is nothing going on here that is any more special than whatever is happening in your hometown. Trust. Coming here will not make your night better–only more expensive.

But Kara, why do you hate New Years Eve so much?” you ask. Well, since you asked, I’ll tell you:

The Cost

(via)

People unnecessarily make this evening stooopid expensive. One classic example of this is buying tickets to a NYE party. You know what I’m talking about–you pay $150 per ticket to get into some club that you wouldn’t even consider going to on a normal night. That shit cray x 1000000.

These venues and your sneaky, misguided friends will try to trick you into doing this under the guise of: “It’s an open bar! You’d spend at least that much on cover and alcohol alone!” Uh, no. First off, I don’t go places with cover charges. Ever. Second, if I drank $150 worth of alcohol, I’d be dead. And I’m not about that life. I do recognize that this isn’t the same for everyone, but that brings me to my third point: There is no way you’ll be able to take advantage of that open bar anyway. Everyone in that crowded-ass club will be clamoring at the bar all night trying to their money’s worth. Unless you devote the entire evening to staying close to the bar and drinking/refilling quickly (which is sad) then it ain’t gonna be worth it.

The Clubs/Bars

Clubs are kind of the worst. Awful. Having to go to some ridiculous, crowded, tacky club is reason enough for me to hate NYE. On top of that, you have a bunch of mediocre bars losing their damn minds. The other day, I passed a run-of-the-mill Irish pub that I’ve been to a couple of times. It’s fine for happy hour, but truly nothing special. These clowns have a flyer advertising their NYE party for “only $175 a person.” They actually had the nerve to try to make this sound like some kind of deal. On any other night, this place is a fourth option, at best. No thank you.

The People

(via)

New Years Eve brings out a crowd of people who don’t usually go out during the rest of the year. Since this is their big night out, they all collectively lose their shit on this one evening. Chillax.

The Hype

Say it with me: Set your sights low and you won’t be disappointed. This is by FAR the worst thing about NYE. Peeps be treating this like adult prom. With all the planning and shopping and money spent, everyone thinks this is going to be “the best night everrrr.” I’ll save you the suspense: It won’t be. One of your friends is going to get too drunk and you’ll have to take her home. One of the couples in your group will start fighting in the middle of the dance floor. The club will be too crowded to move. Drunk randos will keep trying to touch you. I promise, every single one of these things will happen.

Sequin Dresses

(via)

There have got to be other ways to look festive. Please try to resist the urge to wear a sequin dress, homegirls. I have nothing against sequin dresses ordinarily, but wearing one on NYE could not be more contrived. Sequin hot pants or sequin jumpsuits, however, are obviously encouraged.

All this being said, there are two good things about New Years Eve:

The night before New Years Eve

I don’t know if this happens in other cities, but the night before NYE is a big night here in New York. There’s a good energy and peeps aren’t all wound up with the pressure and stress of NYE. Save your energy for this night. All the cool kids do it.

Champagne

(via)

Champagne is bubbly angel juice and it’s abundant presence on NYE is the only thing that makes the night bearable.

-K

 

#halloween

#sasstag Dos and Don’ts of Halloween

Don’t

Buy an entire costume from American Apparel

(via American Apparel)

It’s just as lazy and uncreative as buying one of those bagged costumes from a costume store but with the added perk of looking like a money-wasting, yuppie, hipster asshole.

Be a sexy inanimate object

I cannot stress this enough. If you want to dress up as something sexy, BY ALL MEANS go for it. But spend ten minutes thinking about it before defaulting to dressing up as whatever you see lying on the floor and just slutting it up. Do not be a sexy crayon or a sexy can of coke or any other ridiculousness like that. If you want something sexy, just be a French Maid and call it a day.

Spend a lot of money on this crap

Seriously. Do not fool yourself into thinking that you’ll wear a gold, full-body unitard again. Do not let your girlfriends convince you that you can just throw on that $50 sequined bra “with jeans for a night out.” We all know that ain’t happening.

Wear a racist costume

RACISM ISN’T CUTE Y’ALL. Say it with me: People and cultures are NOT costumes. That includes:

Native Americans

(via Costume Craze)

Geishas

(via Costume Craze)

Mexicans

(via Costume Craze)

ANY form of Blackface

(via Costume Craze)

ALL THAT IGNORANT-ASS OFFENSIVE BULLSHIT. It’s racist and if you wear it, you are racist and eligible to be openly mocked as so. End of story.

Dress up on any night other than October 31st

It’s really not that serious guys. Unless you’re going to a party that involves walking down a red carpet, stick with one costume. Dressing up multiple nights is fine if you’re still in college but in real-ass life, this holiday is ONE DAY ONLY.

Do

Guiltlessly binge on candy

(via)

Shir is a candy Jedi so this is really just like any other night for her. However, for me, during the two weeks leading up to Halloween, I probably eat 70% of my candy consumption for the year. Whatever your style, just indulge and don’t ask questions.

Spend the next morning on the lookout for everyone doing the walk of shame (or walk of TRIUMPH) in their costumes

Because is there any other reason this holiday exists?

Wear a Rihanna-inspired costume

Because duh. There are just so

(via)

many

options

(via)

guyzz

(via)

Throw away all the candy corn you find

(via)

Because 1) It’s gross and 2) WHO WANTS TO EAT CANDY THAT’S BASED OFF OF A VEGETABLE??

-K

#facebook

Well, well. Here we are again. There are people doing really dumb shit on the internet, and now we have to talk about it (yeah, that is pretty much how it works). Last week, I pointed out that Twitter is a dangerous level to bring sexting to. As in, you shouldn’t do it. Today I feel the need to discuss behavior on that other social media platform, a.k.a. Facebook.

The fact that there are people who need their Facebook profiles monitored by some higher being is not news- I have definitely addressed this before. But that had more to do with people sharing their feelings and treating Facebook like a diary. It was really annoying, but I can’t say I found any examples of explicitly incriminating statuses or posts. Granted, I was using examples of people I was actually Facebook friends with (awksauce), so the pool is limited. But then I read about some chick named Paula Asher who posted an absurd status that made light of her recent DUI. She posted:

my dumb ass got a dui and I hit a car…lol.

First of all…I don’t think Paula knows what LOL actually stands for. Even if she was trying to use it ironically, it doesn’t really work. Nothing about drunk driving makes anybody laugh. Nothing about hitting a car makes anybody laugh either, let alone “out loud.” Second of all, why on earth would she publicize to the world that she was driving drunk? Is she friends with the type of people who think that is cool? In case you were wondering, over here at #sasstag, we think that driving while intoxicated is extremely uncool, outlined by Kara’s post about those drunkies in Hollywood. What I will give Paula, despite all of this, is that she acknowledged that she is a dumbass. It is very important to be self-aware in that way.

On top of Paula’s original crime (the DUI), she was ordered by a judge to delete her Facebook account after posting her idiotic status. After ignoring the judge’s order, Paula was sentenced to two nights in jail (as a preventative measure for the world, I think she deserves to be in jail forever considering how stupid I gather she is).

Basically, if you only get one thing out of this blog today, it should be that you should NEVER, EVER POST INCRIMINATING THINGS ON FACEBOOK.

To sum up all of the #sasstag social media rules we have covered thus far:

  1. Do not ask for retweets or follow backs on Twitter.
  2. Do not treat Facebook like a diary.
  3. Do not send anyone naked photos of yourself on Twitter.
  4. Do not post incriminating shit on Facebook.

Go forth and be a not annoying social media user!

-S

#webmd

This weekend (I cannot believe it is Monday already just shoot me now), I spent a majority of my time getting settled into a new apartment in the loveliest of neighborhoods in NYC. Moving absolutely sucks and I hate it and would really rather not do it again for a long, long time. My new apartment is lofted, so there is a trendy little staircase that leads up to an alcove-y area that I will dub “the sleeping palace” because that is where I sleep which means that is where I will be spending most of my time and it is just really cool up there (you should check it out). The only thing is, it has low ceilings, so you can’t really stand up all the way. Unless you are a small child. Anywaysssss this is the longest way ever to tell you that I hit my head really, really hard on one of my trips down the stairs. This whole ceiling situation will take some getting used to but either way- I was potentially concussed.

My course of action went something like this:

  1. Go online to figure out if there was a chance I would die.
  2. Call my loved ones in case I die.
  3. Go about my day as planned.

It may not seem like I was taking this very seriously, but according to my 30 seconds of Google research, there was no chance I had a concussion. That is why I didn’t change any of my plans. Also, this happened in the morning. I couldn’t waste an entire weekend day worrying about having a concussion. There were boxes to be unpacked and pictures to hang! So I did that. Later in the day, Kara and I went out with some amigos and had a few adult beverages. I had pretty much forgotten about my head injury by this point, until it was time to go home, and KB and I started saying our goodbyes. Then the thought popped into my head that maybe, just maybe, I did have a concussion this whole time, and going to sleep was a bad idea because WHAT IF I DIDN’T WAKE UP? I told Kara I had to rush home so I could WebMD the shit out of this situation because in my state of confusion (FYI…confusion = sign of a concussion) I chose to rely on information from some rando website and not the ever-reliable WebMD.

Although Kara warned me not to go on the site because I would likely freak out, it was obviously the first thing I did when I got home. And while my reaction to the previous research was something like “meh. I’m probably fine,” my reaction to reading about concussions on WebMD was more like “OMIGOD I AM ABOUT TO TAKE MY LAST BREATH.” This is because the writers over at WebMD have the ridiculous ability of bringing out the hypochondriac in all of us. Every article about every disease goes something like:

Symptoms for this may include too much sleep, not enough sleep, sleepiness/fatigue in general, an increased appetite, a decreased appetite, wanting to eat exactly the same as before, becoming more emotional, becoming less emotional, and regularly paced blinking. Although most people end up being fine despite exhibiting a variety of these symptoms, there is a small percentage of people who die a terrible, slow, painful death from this disorder, and there is a 100% chance you are one of these people. You should probably go to a hospital NOW. 

How is anybody supposed to go about their day as planned after reading something like this? I’m pretty sure I could get a paper cut on one finger and WebMD would convince me that I needed to get my entire arm amputated. Their homepage is filled with enticing headlines that make you feel like you’re being ignorant if you don’t click them and educate yourself about the possible dangers of every single human activity on the planet. Such as:

Like no, I never thought I was a mosquito magnet, but now that WebMD has put that thought in my head I am a self-diagnosed mosquito magnet and am on my way to buy ridiculous amounts of bug repellent and probably already contracted malaria AND the West Nile virus. Basically, reading WebMD regularly will surely make you the most paranoid human being ever. And it’s kind of a lose-lose situation. Because you waste hours of your time reading about all of this stuff and then you spend the rest of your life going forward convincing yourself to not tell everyone you meet that you have earlobe cancer.

This all ended with me making a few calls and having others tell me that it would be OK if I went to sleep. Kind of anti-climactic, I know, but it consumed a good 65-70% of my weekend, so I needed to rant about it (duh). Also, I’m swearing off WebMD for the time being. I think it’s for the best.

Moral of the story: I didn’t die. WebMD needs to tone it down. And we should all probably go see a doctor.

-S

P.S.- a nice discovery during my research. This is what certain people on earth actually type into their Google search bar.

No. Nope. It’s not OK. Ever (in case their question didn’t get answered).