#ryanlochte

Last night was the premiere of Ryan Lochte’s new reality show, “What Would Ryan Lochte Do?”

what would ryan lochte do

(via)

Did you watch? I did not watch because A) I already had a pretty idea of what I was in for B) Mad Men was on C) I don’t want to encourage or support E! and their abominable programming D) I wasn’t on drugs  E) I still have some value for my time F) … you get the picture  HOWEVER, while I may not have watched, there are plenty of people who did! “Who were these people subjecting themselves to this xx programming?” you ask. Well I’ve gone ahead and categorized them all nicely for you–with help from Twitter.

The Types of People Who Watched “What Would Ryan Lochte Do?”

 

People who set their hopes way too high:

https://twitter.com/NATTIJ/status/326359163301142528 https://twitter.com/RJM617/status/326322671526744064 https://twitter.com/SwimmerLaura/status/326318414752800769 https://twitter.com/sarahthegod/status/326359594727247872

 

People who need help

https://twitter.com/emiiilysanchez/status/326306342472151040

I’m willing to give her the benefit of the doubt that this is a typo…but that is me being very, very generous. 

https://twitter.com/peterp4n_/status/326329196467068928 https://twitter.com/chendricks1/status/326326884122128384 https://twitter.com/TaylorBGang/status/326324966717009920

 

“Awww but he’s so pretty” people

https://twitter.com/veeenusk/status/326327214171901952 https://twitter.com/MarAintShit/status/326326413026287616 https://twitter.com/brandi_withan_i/status/326326112730873857 https://twitter.com/JennaferN/status/326359492990205952 https://twitter.com/IrishAngelTraci/status/326302554545860608

 

People who think he is a douchebag

https://twitter.com/LaurenWoycke/status/326332421479997440 https://twitter.com/CliftonJacob/status/326331924656312320 https://twitter.com/tracykearn/status/326329862124097536 https://twitter.com/ewriight/status/326342622635503616 https://twitter.com/nava_anthony/status/326200123333959681

 

People who need better lives

https://twitter.com/DanielleClark97/status/326206681165987840 https://twitter.com/SusanHeuscher/status/326206258984128515

GET YO LIFE BITCHES

 

People I’m side-eying

https://twitter.com/DopeKultRj/status/326319822021459971 https://twitter.com/CraZy_KAY14/status/326359138907062275 https://twitter.com/Misslacielynne/status/326220594561548288 https://twitter.com/ohDANGitsALVINA/status/326204404946579458

DO NOT DO THIS ALVINA

https://twitter.com/MeredithRayburn/status/326201449098911745

 

I’m going to go pull my eyebrows out now. Good day.

-K

#twitter

Today is Twitter’s 7th birthday!

twitter

I for one cannot believe that it’s only been seven years of the general debauchery that is often Twitter. Full disclosure: I resisted Twitter hard core when it first became popular. I was not here for your asinine updates about what kind of sandwich you were eating. But I’ve come to embrace and love the twittersphere, (ugh) so here is my gift to Twitter on it’s seventh birthday. (ONLY THREE MORE YEARS UNTIL DOUBLE DIGITS!!!)

A letter-association poem-esque creation:

T rending topics

Trending topics are the life and the death of me. On one hand, I love that just a glance at that beautiful little sidebox can (usually) inform me about the biggest news happening this actual second. But then you have stuff like #BlackPeopleGhettoNames. It’s a give and take.

W orldwide reach

We’ve got the whole word in our hands folks. One of the best parts of social media (aside from being able to thoroughly hate-stalk your enemies) is its ability to connect us with people all over the world. Beautiful stuff. Of course, this global audience would be much more helpful if I functionally understood a language other than English.

I diots

Sweet merciful Jesus are there a lot of dumbass people in the world and the majority of them seem to congregate on Twitter. Nothing illuminates stupidity quite like Twitter does. This can be helpful, for example, if you realize that some guy you’ve been crushing on actually tweets the dumbest most basic shit on the regular. Or, it can make you want to just drop dead right then and there and erase your entire existence from this wretched world of fools.

T oo many comedians

Errrybody is apparently a comedian now that they’ve got a Twitter feed and over a thousand followers. It’s great that Twitter gives them another outlet for their work and some people have made actual careers out of it, but we have enough of you guys now.

T ogetherness

Twitter is at its absolute best when everyone is watching the same thing. (Por ejemplo: The Oscars. Presidential Debates, Scandal, etc) Sometimes I’ll watch something just because I know it’s going to be talked about on Twitter. (OMG AM I PATHETIC GUYS?) It feels like you’re really having a conversation with your Twitter friends–a virtual powwow of sorts.

E xtra

People be getting ruuurrrl extra on Twitter. The other day I was Internet harassed by a gang of 17 year-olds from some middle America state because I said that Ryan Lochte is dumb. (Which he most definitely is.) These little weave snatchers went crazy and I had to block them all to regain my sanity. Rule of thumb: If you wouldn’t talk that exact same smack in real life, don’t do it on Twitter.

R eveals the crazies

Actual insane people seem to inhabit a large amount of the Twitter real estate (see: Donald Trump). But I love Twitter’s ability to reveal that someone you thought was normal, is actually a big weirdo. Honestly, it might be my favorite thing about Twitter. I SEE YOU AMANDA BYNES.

So, happy birthday Twitter. I hope you got everything you wanted. And if not, I hope the gifts came from @Nordstrom so you can return them for cash.

-K

#azealiabanks

People Who Need To Just Stop: Azealia Banks

azealia banks rita ora

(via Azealia Banks)

Girl, I like you but CHILL OUT.

Azealia Banks is an excellent example of someone who lives and dies by the social media sword. On one hand, she blew up because of her infectious YouTube video. On the other, she has provoked and engaged in some of the most childish bullshit Twitter has ever seen.

This pattern continued last night when Azealia fired some serious shots at pop star Rita Ora over what boils down to some Instagram photos and a pair of ugly shoes.

The funny thing about all this is that as recently as SEVEN DAYS AGO they seemed to be pretty tight, with Azealia tweeting along with the picture above:

I mean, that was friendly enough. Although, Azealia did slip in some beautifully subtle shade with that whole “third lady” bit. Rita also posted the exact same photo so everything seems to be copacetic. RIGHT AZEALIA?

Now, fast forward to two days ago when Rita Ora posted this picture of Azealia’s dancers to her Instagram feed:

azealia banks rita ora

(via Rita Ora)

Whatev’s right? Because this picture is whatever x3.

Apparently Azealia was perturbed by this because she’s a five year old who doesn’t like to share her toys.

The last straw for Azealia seemed to be when Rita posted a photo of these fugnificent shoes with a caption saying that she is trying to bring jellies back:

azealia banks rita ora

(via Rita Ora)

Baseline: These shoes are hideous. There’s a reason they went out of style and neither of you will be bringing them back. However, Azealia, who apparently feels like she’s the only other person on Earth ironically wearing jellies, lost her shit and went H.A.M at Rita on Twitter:

Ugggghhhh

Azealia then posted what seems to be a text from Rita which is just cold:

azealia banks rita ora

(via Azealia Banks)

And she called her Rita Oral which, while hilarious, is just unnecessary. (Side note: Rita Ora is a really lazy texter.) To her credit, Rita has kept quiet on Instagram and Twitter, making Azealia look like an unhinged brat.

Look, Rita Ora’s only real offenses are being a basic version of Rihanna and dating a Kardashian. I’m not a huge fan but she really doesn’t deserve this.

The main issue here is that Azealia needs to stop popping off at every perceived slight thrown in her general direction. She also needs to stop releasing private emails and text messages because that’s just an asshole move. She also needs to stop fighting with literally every musician on the planet. SHE ALSO NEEDS TO JUST RELEASE HER DAMN ALBUM ALREADY.

No girl, that ain’t it. You’re crazy. Your new single ain’t all that either so maybe go make sure the album doesn’t suck and stop making a fool of yourself on Twitter between now and then.

-K

#tyresetakover

Yesterday featured an excellent NBA matchup between the Miami Heat and the New York Knicks. Naturally, Tyrese Gibson was tasked with live-tweeting the game. I’m sure you’re wondering what exactly the New York Knicks and Tyrese have do with each other. The answer is absolutely nothing.

Yes, during yesterday’s game, Tyrese was allowed to “takeover” the team’s Twitter account and send out a a series of tweets that evolved in dumbness as they went on. Look, I’m sure whoever does the marketing for the Knicks doesn’t have an easy job. Most of their star players are kind of flops and now they’re competing with the untouchable coolness of King Hov and the Barclay’s Center. But the person who came up with this ridonkulousness needs to step far, far to the left, because NO.

Tyrese Knicks

(via)

Seemingly, this hoopty-ass mess was a ploy for Tyrese to plug his new dating advice book for women, which he co-authored with Rev Run–as bad a combination of ideas as I’ve ever heard.

It was roughly 32 minutes into the game before he tweeted anything, which is fair, because I’m sure it required a lot of special Tyrese thinkin’ time to come up with some of these gems.

Does one really “talk” over Twitter? As far as I could tell, Rev Run had exactly nothing to do with any of these tweets, which is a surprisingly smart move from a man who wrote a book with Tyrese.

 

Tyrese: the number one fan of alliterations. 

 

Amar’e didn’t do a whole hell of a lot during this game so it’s unclear what exactly he was referring to. 

 

He tried to get real complicated with this sentence–thereby making it more or less unreadable. 

 

I imagine this is around the time the Knick’s social media marketing team started feeling that dull but unmistakable pang that is regret. 

 

Is legendary really the word we should be using here? It’s Jason Kidd. 

 

Huh? No, seriously. HUH?

 

Except with boobs or, ya know, an effective basketball scoring strategy.

 

What the what the what? Tyrese apparently thought this was so clever that he tweeted the exact same thing three minutes later. 

 

MVP who? Because I know we are not talking about Carmelo. 

 

WHAT DOES THAT MEAN? How can a book–the written word–be on full blast?

 

Here’s the thing–is Tyrese even a Knicks fan? He’s from Los Angeles and seems to live there now. These alone aren’t necessarily reasons enough, but has this man ever expressed interest in or loyalty to this team? Basically: What the hell were the Knicks thinking? 

 

WHAT DOES THIS HAVE TO DO WITH THE BASKETBALL GAME, TYRESE?

 

What sport is he watching?

 

OK COACH T.

 

If you don’t know what a non sequitur is, here ya go. Between Tyrese and Brandi Glanville, I’m starting to think that the barriers to entry for the New York Times Bestseller List need to be reevaluated. 

 

Well that was exhausting.

My two takeaways from this train wreck are:

1) It really takes a special kind of shamelessness that only Tyrese can wield to tag every.single.tweet with the title of his book.

2) Never do this again.

-K

#parishilton

For those of us who have already heard the words “Happy Valentine’s Day!” more than once per hour of being awake thus far, it’s going to be a long day (thanks, doorman, for literally screaming it at me when I groggily walked my dog at 7 A.M.!). I am not a Valentine’s Day hater by any means (duh- there is so much candy to go around it hurts), but whether you have someone special to celebrate with or not, I know this isn’t everybody’s favorite “holiday.” I have decided to make your day better (guaranteed) by exposing you to a series of inspirational Paris Hilton tweets. Mostly because I just discovered the gold mine that is her Twitter feed and needed to share it immediately.

Kim Kardashian did it better.

Again, hearing her talk about success is a very strange thing. I don’t think it works the same when “liking what you do,” in a professional sense, and making a name for yourself means taping yourself having sex. But hey, I’m just a blogger, right?

This may be the most profound thing she ever says.

When Paris Hilton is quoting Buddha and nobody is talking about it, something is not right.

?????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????

I’m not an outright Paris hater, but I think she and her boyfriend are a little too busy agreeing with each other on Twitter and not noticing that there are very few people who would actually want to be them.

Is “sunshine” a street name for a drug? Am I missing something?

If you REALLY need a reminder of when 11:11 is here, she tweets one of these at least once a day.

Just Paris Hilton quoting Cher. That is all.

Basically, you can fire your therapist and just follow Paris Hilton because her words will solve all of your problems. She is a blonde Deepak Chopra if I ever saw one.

-S

#russellcrowe

Russell Crowe’s Twitter is revealing him to be quite the weirdo and I love it like Manti loved Lennay.

Crowe, who I tend to confuse with Mel Gibson, because I guess angry, Australian actors with violent tendencies all blend together for me, has really taken to this whole Twitter thang and it’s bizarrely entertaining.

First, a few important facts: 

  • Of the 66 people he follows, Snoop Dogg is one of them. I’m not sure what this means, but I feel that it is of monumental importance.
  • His bio links to a fan site that is apparently owned and operated by an 80 year-old woman named Mary.
  • His profile picture is from the completely unnecessary and poorly-received Robin Hood reboot from 2010 and is situated at a strange angle for an unknown reason.
Russell Crowe's Twitter

(via Twitter)

 

There’s more!

70% of his Tweets are about his workouts

 

He likes maps

 

Blah blah Le Miserables blah blah blah

I do not know what this means because I have negative interest in Les Miserables. Although I do know how I feel about horses…. aka they’re not that damn great.

 

He maybe invented twitter concerts

Serious question guys: Have you heard of a Twitter concert before? Russell started tweeting YouTube links to a bunch of songs and I guess the idea is that everyone follows and listens together, simulating a concert. I have not heard of such a thing. And while it technically makes no sense, it makes perfect sense. Oh Russell! The innovation!

 

He doesn’t know what year it is

Canadian. Disc. Jockeys. 

 

I don’t even know

Imagine that! An actor taking a trip to LA!

 

He REALLY Really wants you to know that he works out

 

He’s a bit sensitive

Which, we already kinda knew. This is the Twitter equivalent of him throwing a phone at a hotel receptionist.

 

He doesn’t know how commercials work

This man has an Oscar.

 

He’s knows nothing about the film he’s in

IS THERE NOT SOMEONE ELSE YOU CAN CONTACT ABOUT THIS, RUSSELL?

 

He thinks Twitter is an appropriate way to communicate with someone he already knows

 

 Did I mention he enjoys exercising?

 

Mel Gibson has been leading his bible study classes

 

Russell Crowe’s Twitter is confounding and ridiculous and I hope he never ever stops.

-K