#ryanlochte

Last night was the premiere of Ryan Lochte’s new reality show, “What Would Ryan Lochte Do?”

what would ryan lochte do

(via)

Did you watch? I did not watch because A) I already had a pretty idea of what I was in for B) Mad Men was on C) I don’t want to encourage or support E! and their abominable programming D) I wasn’t on drugs  E) I still have some value for my time F) … you get the picture  HOWEVER, while I may not have watched, there are plenty of people who did! “Who were these people subjecting themselves to this xx programming?” you ask. Well I’ve gone ahead and categorized them all nicely for you–with help from Twitter.

The Types of People Who Watched “What Would Ryan Lochte Do?”

 

People who set their hopes way too high:

https://twitter.com/NATTIJ/status/326359163301142528 https://twitter.com/RJM617/status/326322671526744064 https://twitter.com/SwimmerLaura/status/326318414752800769 https://twitter.com/sarahthegod/status/326359594727247872

 

People who need help

https://twitter.com/emiiilysanchez/status/326306342472151040

I’m willing to give her the benefit of the doubt that this is a typo…but that is me being very, very generous. 

https://twitter.com/peterp4n_/status/326329196467068928 https://twitter.com/chendricks1/status/326326884122128384 https://twitter.com/TaylorBGang/status/326324966717009920

 

“Awww but he’s so pretty” people

https://twitter.com/veeenusk/status/326327214171901952 https://twitter.com/MarAintShit/status/326326413026287616 https://twitter.com/brandi_withan_i/status/326326112730873857 https://twitter.com/JennaferN/status/326359492990205952 https://twitter.com/IrishAngelTraci/status/326302554545860608

 

People who think he is a douchebag

https://twitter.com/LaurenWoycke/status/326332421479997440 https://twitter.com/CliftonJacob/status/326331924656312320 https://twitter.com/tracykearn/status/326329862124097536 https://twitter.com/ewriight/status/326342622635503616 https://twitter.com/nava_anthony/status/326200123333959681

 

People who need better lives

https://twitter.com/DanielleClark97/status/326206681165987840 https://twitter.com/SusanHeuscher/status/326206258984128515

GET YO LIFE BITCHES

 

People I’m side-eying

https://twitter.com/DopeKultRj/status/326319822021459971 https://twitter.com/CraZy_KAY14/status/326359138907062275 https://twitter.com/Misslacielynne/status/326220594561548288 https://twitter.com/ohDANGitsALVINA/status/326204404946579458

DO NOT DO THIS ALVINA

https://twitter.com/MeredithRayburn/status/326201449098911745

 

I’m going to go pull my eyebrows out now. Good day.

-K

#realitytelevision

It’s here guys. We’re only a few short weeks away from the premieres of some reality television programming that is hellbent on devolving our brains back to this stage of evolution:

Stages in human evolution

(via)

We all knew a Ryan Lochte reality show was unavoidable, but I’m not clear as to why we gave Ke$ha this opportunity. To be honest, I didn’t even realize Ke$ha was still making music, much less doing something worth filming, but there it is.

The lady with the studded head is bringing us “My Crazy Beautiful Life,” a title that she jacked from one of the seminal early onset hipster films of my generation.

Meanwhile, Ryan Lochte compares himself to some people’s Lord and Savior by forcing us to ask: “What Would Ryan Locthe Do?” There may not be any need to watch this one because I think I already have the answer to that conundrum: Something dumb. Something really, really dumb.

It’s hard to tell which show will be worse, but I will make an attempt by evaluating each on some of the most important tenants of reality television programming.

Vanity

ryan lochte reality show

Mom selfie. Mom. Selfie.

Kesha selfie

Cool, Ke$ha. What an excellent contribution to the internet. She gets extra points for the slightly more obnoxious mirror selfie.

Point: Ke$ha (We have apparently also learned that putting your arm in the air makes every selfie better?)

 

Weird Faces

Ryan Lochte Reality Show

Ryan Lochte seems to spend 57% of his life in a haze of confusion (TOO MUCH TIME UNDERWATER). I imagine that this is every episode in a nutshell.

Kesha chair

Surprisingly, Ke$ha doesn’t really come hard with the weird faces. I guess she just relies on the singing weird noises coming out of her mouth.

Point: Ryan by a mile 

 

Tears

Kesha crying

Seems like you’re in for a good amount of tears from this lil lady. But you know what? Life is rough. And if I were Ke$ha, I’d probably spend a lot of time crying as well. No judgement here.

The only tears in Ryan Locthe’s show will spring from your television as it begs for mercy to be relieved from the pain of having to broadcast this absurdity.

Point: Ke$ha 

 

Fashion

ryan lochte reality show

Ryan’s style asethic is Blind Uber Bro With Too Much Money. This is literally the worst style aesthetic to ever mainfest itself on the face of Earth

Kesha fashion

At least Ke$ha hired a creative stylist has some creativity, no matter how much she continues to abuse glitter and conventional taste and sanity.

Point: Ryan 

 

Alcohol consumption

ryan lochte reality show

Shots out of plastic condiment containers…. versus:

Kesha drinking

Swigs of Jack Daniels straight from the bottle.

Point: Let’s just call this one a draw

 

Dating

ryan lochte reality show

From what I can gather, Ryan Lochte’s intrepid dating life will be a major focus of this fine programming. I would say hide your daughters, but really you should just hide your dumb daughters because the rest of us know better.

Kesha guy

Ke$ha likes guys with giant beards so there’s probably no coming back from that.

 Point: Ryan

 

The exact moment when you lose faith in humanity

For Ke$ha, I’d say it’s somewhere between this:

Kesha blood

and this:

Kesha stage

Just mediate for a moment on the number of people who paid actual human dollars to be subjected to the above spectacle.

For Ryan, it’s around this point:

ryan lochte reality show

TO WHICH HE REPLIED: Describe “player.”

LE SIGH SIGH SIGH LE SIGH SIGH SMH SMH SMDH KMWACB*!!!!

Point: I really can’t pick

Too close to call folks! Guess you’re just going to have to hate-watch both shows along with me.

-K

*Kill Me With A Chicken Beak

#ke$ha

As far as celebrity documentaries go, I think once Beyonce’s HBO documentary comes out on February 16th, everyone else should just stop. Why put something out there that you know for a fact will be inferior to something that already exists? That is the message we need to get through to Ke$ha and the people who gave the green light to a docu-series about her life.

In a statement about her new show, Ke$ha said:

“With this documentary series I’m revealing a more complete picture of what my life is really like. It’s not all glamorous, but it’s all real. I want you to come on a whirlwind journey with an all-access pass to My Crazy Beautiful Life.”

I just want to remind everybody that we don’t need a documentary about her life to know that it is not all glamorous. We were there when she tweeted about peeing in public.

keshaWe were also there when she told Ryan Seacrest she had a sexual encounter with a ghost. I’m not saying she’s not interesting. She is obviously fascinating, in a can’t-look-away-from-a-car-accident kind of way. But she is not exactly a private person, so I don’t know why we need an “inside look” at what goes on with her every day.

I mean…isn’t this enough?

 

-S

#modernfamily

A little while ago, it was revealed that OPI will be releasing a Modern Family nail polish collection because why not. And the colors are finally out and I am weirded out by it. I can’t understand for the life of me what kind of marketing tactic this is, considering more than half of the show’s main characters are men, and TV shows just don’t need their own nail polish collections. Gossip Girl or New Girl or something like that I would maybe understand. But this is extremely unnecessary:

 

 

It is also upsetting, because it gives us a platform in which we can compare this amazing, fictional family to this not-so-amazing, might-as-well-be-fictional family:

 

 

There are just so many ways TV shows should try to make money, and I think ModFam needed to draw the line a little bit before the nail polish line offer came in. There’s nothing wrong with some product placement, and they really should have just stuck to that. Why does Luke Dunphy need his own nail polish color? OH WAIT. HE DOESN’T. One thing I will give the Kardashians is that they most likely had some creative control regarding the colors in their nail polish line. I can’t imagine that anybody from the cast of Modern Family had anything to do with the nail polish colors named after their character. Also, Alex and Lily only have one color named after her while the rest of the girls have two. Seems unfair.

In other news, Jimmy Kimmel took over Julie Bowen’s Twitter account yesterday and great fun was had by all. Their marketing people should nix the nail polish and do more stuff like this.

 

Can’t wait for Nicole by OPI to come up with more great collaborations- maybe a Breaking Bad nail lacquer? Family Guy? So excited to see which nonsensical nail polish line they’re going to come up with next!

-S

#americanidol

The TWELFTH season of American Idol premieres tonight and I for one cannot wait. No, I’m not a middle aged soccer mom from Indiana or a a fourteen year old from Iowa, but I will watch the bizness out of the audition rounds of any reality competition show put on television because, it’s all downhill from there.

american idol judges

(Michael Becker/Fox)

However, I’m going to do my best to watch beyond the audition rounds during this season of American Idol because it is going to be RIDICULOUS. Truly, this show has no business still being on television.

My thoughts, hopes and dreams for season twelve of American Idol

  • Fox decides to disclose this season’s hair and makeup budget because you know it’s gon’ be BANANAS.
  • The producers focus on Keith Urban’s reactions to Nicki and Mariah–although, he may be pretty good at masking it. This man is married to Nicole Kidman, so he’s probably already used to high maintenance, crazy women.
  • Mariah Carey is obviously going to be batshit all season. Which is perfect since she gets a Mariah Carey Pass. A Mariah Carey Pass: Wherein a person is legally insane but it is allowed and tolerated by all due to their excessive amounts of talent.
  • Randy Jackson is still there? If you had asked me, I would have guessed that they got rid of him two season ago. The more important question: Why is Randy Jackson still there?
  • I hope Nicki wears a different wig every single episode
  • Solid gold Mariah Carey GIFs for daayyyz
  • Does Randy Jackson still say “doggg” all the time?
  • Mostly, I absolutely cannot wait for Mariah to compliment the performances by singing a bit of her favorite part back at the contestants–thereby proving how much better she is. It so subtle  yet so, so obvious.

Pressing questions. Important issues. Monumental events. These are the times we live in, folks.

-K

#singlebrides

I like good wedding-themed programming just like every other warm-blooded American. (right?) A little Say Yes To The Dress, some Four Weddings–I’m down, if for no other reason than that they confirm the fact that I probably want to elope. But now, WE tv has taken it too far. Today they announced their upcoming programming which includes a show called:

Single Brides

(via)

NO NO NO to everything about this. From the title alone, I already know that not an iota of a shred of anything good will come from this show. And I’m usually a big fan of shows where you can predict the entire premise and plot from the title alone!

Who are these women agreeing to humiliate themselves on this show? For their sake, I hope AMC just lied to them about the premise–at least they could feign ignorance instead of admitting that they voluntarily agreed to look like psychopaths on national television.

It’s the newest extreme female phenomenon… women across the U.S. are planning elaborate dream weddings including the venue, cake, music, flowers and, of course, the dress.

Where do you people live because THIS IS NOT A REAL THING ANYWHERE OUTSIDE OF YOUR MINDS. Seriously, newest extreme female phenomenon? GO TO HELL whoever wrote that. You know what’s also a phenomenon? How stupid you have to be to come up with this.

The only thing missing is the groom.

HARTY HAR HAR how clever. Only missing the groooooooom! So, like, the thing that’s completely vital to the entire endeavor? That’s like saying: “She’s a mother. The only thing missing are the kids.” Not an ounce of sense does this make.

This docu-soap follows fiancé-free ladies as they plan their dream wedding while continuing to date in the hopes they’ll find the right bachelor to meet them at the altar.

Seriously? Does anyone really think that these women are going to be able to find husbands after exhibiting literally every crazy bone in their body?

(via Reality TVGifs)

Look, I’m not married, but I thought you both were supposed to reveal the crazy AFTER the wedding. Also, in general, why are people still participating in television shows where the idea is to end up in a stable, loving relationship? That’s happened like four times in the history of reality TV dating. And Beee tee dubs, “fiance-free” is not a thing. Fiance-free is just the majority of human beings on the planet.

Homegirls, can you hear me? If you’re reading this and are getting ANY ideas from this fuckery:

(via Reality TVGifs)

(via Reality TVGifs)

Don’t even get me started on the heteronormativity of this bullshit.

The only way I’d watch this is if they get Kim Kardashian as one of the brides. That might be worth watching. Maybe. Still probs not.

-K