POP QUIZ GUYS: What in holy hell is this?
If you guessed: “A Subway sandwich sculpture of NFL draft prospect Jarvis Jones” then, sadly and oddly, you would be correct.
Sweet everloving Jesus this thing is HORRIFYING. Subway, was this really the best way to to represent Jarvis? Because honestly honestly, a cardboard cutout would have sufficed. Or just a really big sandwich not molded to look like him. Or you could have just named a sandwich after him. Or a whole laundry list of other things that won’t give grown adults nightmares.
I don’t really know who this Jarvis guy is, but I’m guessing he’s pretty good because Subway clearly wanted to get on that gravy train rurrrl quick.
To their credit, it really does kinda look like him–although someone at Subway needs to work on their hair braiding skills because his real locs are way more dope than that. Jones told Bloomberg News that they used raisins for his hair and onions for his eyes. God help us all if they ever reveal what pliable, grayish meat they used to construct his face. The barbecue sauce lip gloss is a nice touch though. #poppin
I find it utterly hilarious that they made him wear an actual Subway polo because if I didn’t know better, I would have guessed that this guy was selected as Employee of the Month.
Let’s also take a moment to recognize that this thing is enormous:
What are they doing with it when they’re done parading it around daytime televsion? Would you eat this? DOES JARVIS HAVE TO EAT IT?
Jarvis, homie, I hope you’re getting some boucoup money for this terrifying shit