#subway

POP QUIZ GUYS: What in holy hell is this?

jarvis jones sandwich

If you guessed: “A Subway sandwich sculpture of NFL draft prospect Jarvis Jones” then, sadly and oddly, you would be correct.

Sweet everloving Jesus this thing is HORRIFYING. Subway, was this really the best way to to represent Jarvis? Because honestly honestly, a cardboard cutout would have sufficed. Or just a really big sandwich not molded to look like him. Or you could have just named a sandwich after him. Or a whole laundry list of other things that won’t give grown adults nightmares.

I don’t really know who this Jarvis guy is, but I’m guessing he’s pretty good because Subway clearly wanted to get on that gravy train rurrrl quick.

jarvis jones subway

To their credit, it really does kinda look like him–although someone at Subway needs to work on their hair braiding skills because his real locs are way more dope than that. Jones told Bloomberg News that they used raisins for his hair and onions for his eyes. God help us all if they ever reveal what pliable, grayish meat they used to construct his face. The barbecue sauce lip gloss is a nice touch though. #poppin

I find it utterly hilarious that they made him wear an actual Subway polo because if I didn’t know better, I would have guessed that this guy was selected as Employee of the Month.

Let’s also take a moment to recognize that this thing is enormous:

jarvis jones subway

What are they doing with it when they’re done parading it around daytime televsion? Would you eat this? DOES JARVIS HAVE TO EAT IT?

Jarvis, homie, I hope you’re getting some boucoup money for this terrifying shit

-K

#thuzio

If you’ve ever wanted to spend ridonkulous amounts of money on manufactured experiences with people whose heyday is long gone, Thuzio is the site for you: Thuzio has selected some of the most popular athletes in your area to provide you with Memorable Experiences, Personal Instruction, and unique Corporate Events.

The site offers appearances–which, I get because it’s probably much easier for these people to go this route than have a full-time, expensive agent–along with a whole bunch of other random experiences (services?).

Por ejemplo, if you are a big Marvin Jones fan (I don’t now who that is) you can spend $500 to play a game of pick-up football (I assume its football although it’s not specified) with him.

Thuzio

(Side note: How many tightly-wound tiger parents do you think are going to abuse this and shell out stupid amounts of cash so their uncoordinated child can be coached by a professional athlete?)

I also have a few questions about this pick-up game business. One, some of these guys are pretty old and definitely banged up. Is it really that much fun to play football with an old guy who used to be good? Also, other than basketball, where you can play one-on-one, don’t you need quite a few people for a game of pick-up football or baseball? So all the other people you’re forced to invite get to play for free while you shell out $500? Yeah, no thanks.

Thuzio

My favorite is the “phone call” option. First off, I wouldn’t pay $150 to call ANYBODY. Second, look at this: ”Have a passionate hockey fan in your life? Give that person a gift they will never forget — a personal call from Brandon. (Up to 10 minutes)” HOLD UP. HOLD UP. TEN MINUTES? That’s it?? Fifteen dollars a minute just to talk on the phone? Oh hellzzz nawl. And what are you talking about? Does this come with talking points or off-limit topics or can you just spend $150 asking an NHL player what his favorite brand of ice cream is?

thuzio

Would you pay over SIX THOUSAND DOLLARS to hear Zach Randolph’s story? You should not. Does Zach Randolph even have a story? Something that’s deeper than playing professional basketball? I’m sure this man has given an interview or two in his life. Dig those up and keep your money.

dean kaarnazes

I don’t have much to say about this guy other than I feel like “Ultramarathonman” is a made up thing.

There’s also a whole section called “Other,” so you know it’s gonna be good.

gene snitsky

ATTEND A PAY PER VIEW. Why specifically pay per view? If he’s willing to do that he might as well be willing to come over to your house to watch whatever you want as long as you’re paying three THOUSAND dollars for it. By the way, what can a WWE wrestler coach you on? Acting? Gene will also attend “celebrations” such as a Bar Mitzvahs or a weddings because of course you want a scary-looking stranger around during life’s most poignant moments.

kobayashi

Another non-athlete up in this biz is Takeru Kobayashi. Hope you’re hungry though because all he’ll do is eat lunch or dinner with you for ONE THOUSAND FIVE HUNDRED REAL HUMAN DOLLARS. The kicker here is that you don’t even get to choose the restaurant: “Kobayashi will join you and up to 4 guests at lunch or dinner. You choose between these three NYC restaurants: Plein Sud in TriBeCa, Home Restaurant or Palma. Kobayashi will share stories from his career. Please contact us for a party of more than 5 people. (Up to 90 minutes)” Is he unable to eat in any other restaurants? Move his body above 14th street?  I do not understand. Do you think you also have to pay for lunch? Because that would be some bullsheeeet.

However, the most egregious thing on this site is from Tara Lipinksi who was famous fifteen years ago for winning a gold medal in a kind-of sport in the fake winter Olympics.

tara lipinski

WHOAAAA there girl. I would love to know how Tara Lipinksi is going to add $25,000 worth of value to your corporate outing.

You know, it’d be one thing if the money from all this stuff went to charity, but no. Your money is just going towards stroking an ego and erecting new trophy cases or paying down strip club debts. Hope it’s worth it.

-K

#mettaworldpeace

We all know Metta World Peace has some mental stability issues. Though no actual fault of his own, it’s hard to ignore. Yesterday, during a post-game interview, Metta World Peace gave us a glimpse into his very interesting relationship with one of my least favorite things on Earth.

metta world peace

Reporter: How were you able to come back after that surgery in just twelve days?

Metta: Um…(heavy breathing) well, you know. (Heavy breathing) Just too sexy for my cat. I’m too sexy for my cat.

Reporter 2: Your cat?

Metta: My cat.

Reporter: What did your cat have to do with it?

Metta: I’m just too sexy for my cat and if I wasn’t as sexy for my cat, I probably wouldn’t ‘a came back. So sexy I came back.

Reporter: Were you too sexy to wear a sleeve or a brace or did it feel that good and strong?

Metta: Too sexy for my cat too sexy to wear a sleeve or a bracelet, so I had to come back, yeah.

A few equally important thoughts on this:

  • I love that the reporter was seemingly unfazed by this Mettaness and kept trying to keep things on track to be a semi-respectable interview. HA. I would assume that this isn’t the first time he’s interviewed our friend Metta World Peace.
  • Sweet Jesus, man
  • I bet he doesn’t even have a cat
  • THIS MAN IS HIGH AS A KITE…MAYBE?
  • Is this a metaphor for something?
  • Is “cat” code word for “Kobe”?
  • Is Metta secretly Right Said Fred‘s biggest fan?
  • SERIOUSLY THO IS THIS CAT REAL?
  • My best bet is that this is just gibberish because, Metta. However, if not, I think we should all be very worried.
  • How long before we parody videos of this set to the original song?
  • How long before Metta does his own updated cover of “I’m Too Sexy For My Cat”?
  • Can me making Metta-ing a verb?

-K

 

#tigerwoods

By now you’ve probably heard that Tiger Woods and Lindsey Vonn, AKA Elin Nordegren with skis, are dating.

The couple formally announced their relationship through separate and entirely unnecessary Facebook posts, complete with a prosaic explanation of their relationship that no one asked for and a series of painfully awkward photos.

tiger woods and lindsey vonn

(via Tiger Woods/Lindsey Vonn)

I don’t know much about Lindsey Vonn because I don’t give two shits about the Faux Winter Olympics but, she definitely seems like his type since she looks EXACTLY LIKE HIS EX WIFE.

Tiger, your issues are showing.

So, fine. They seem about as happy as two egomaniacs can be. (I see a double date with Kimye in their future.) However, I am urging Lindsey to perhaps take a few steps back and take time to muster up some damn self-respect before she gets any deeper in this.

According to Page 6, Lindsey Vonn recently accompanied Tiger to his daughter’s baseball game. For some reason, no one factored into the very obvious equation that Elin, Tiger’s ex-wife, would be there. So, in order to avoid confrontation, Lindsey sat in a parked for an hour waiting for Tiger.

tiger woods and lindsey vonn

(via Splash News)

Did I mention that this took place in FLORIDA?

FOR REAL FOR REAL FOR REAL FOR REAL FOR REAL FOR REAL?

They basically hot boxed her.

Now, Lindsey is a grown woman with her own accord, so even if Tiger asked her to wait in the car, she could have said no like most self-respecting adults would. I WISH my boyfriend would ask me to wait in the hot ass Florida sun for an hour because he can’t work out his shit. Oh. Hellz. No.

Lindsey, girl, if you two are serious about this relationship thing you better prepare yourself for a boatload of awkward moments that were brought on solely by your boyfriend’s horrendous decision-making skills. If you can’t face this shit head on like a socially-adjusted adult, then perhaps you should get out now. And Tiger, I know you’re truly terrible at this but, THIS IS NOT THE WAY TO TREAT THE WOMAN YOU LOVE.

Damn.

-K

#tyresetakover

Yesterday featured an excellent NBA matchup between the Miami Heat and the New York Knicks. Naturally, Tyrese Gibson was tasked with live-tweeting the game. I’m sure you’re wondering what exactly the New York Knicks and Tyrese have do with each other. The answer is absolutely nothing.

Yes, during yesterday’s game, Tyrese was allowed to “takeover” the team’s Twitter account and send out a a series of tweets that evolved in dumbness as they went on. Look, I’m sure whoever does the marketing for the Knicks doesn’t have an easy job. Most of their star players are kind of flops and now they’re competing with the untouchable coolness of King Hov and the Barclay’s Center. But the person who came up with this ridonkulousness needs to step far, far to the left, because NO.

Tyrese Knicks

(via)

Seemingly, this hoopty-ass mess was a ploy for Tyrese to plug his new dating advice book for women, which he co-authored with Rev Run–as bad a combination of ideas as I’ve ever heard.

It was roughly 32 minutes into the game before he tweeted anything, which is fair, because I’m sure it required a lot of special Tyrese thinkin’ time to come up with some of these gems.

Does one really “talk” over Twitter? As far as I could tell, Rev Run had exactly nothing to do with any of these tweets, which is a surprisingly smart move from a man who wrote a book with Tyrese.

 

Tyrese: the number one fan of alliterations. 

 

Amar’e didn’t do a whole hell of a lot during this game so it’s unclear what exactly he was referring to. 

 

He tried to get real complicated with this sentence–thereby making it more or less unreadable. 

 

I imagine this is around the time the Knick’s social media marketing team started feeling that dull but unmistakable pang that is regret. 

 

Is legendary really the word we should be using here? It’s Jason Kidd. 

 

Huh? No, seriously. HUH?

 

Except with boobs or, ya know, an effective basketball scoring strategy.

 

What the what the what? Tyrese apparently thought this was so clever that he tweeted the exact same thing three minutes later. 

 

MVP who? Because I know we are not talking about Carmelo. 

 

WHAT DOES THAT MEAN? How can a book–the written word–be on full blast?

 

Here’s the thing–is Tyrese even a Knicks fan? He’s from Los Angeles and seems to live there now. These alone aren’t necessarily reasons enough, but has this man ever expressed interest in or loyalty to this team? Basically: What the hell were the Knicks thinking? 

 

WHAT DOES THIS HAVE TO DO WITH THE BASKETBALL GAME, TYRESE?

 

What sport is he watching?

 

OK COACH T.

 

If you don’t know what a non sequitur is, here ya go. Between Tyrese and Brandi Glanville, I’m starting to think that the barriers to entry for the New York Times Bestseller List need to be reevaluated. 

 

Well that was exhausting.

My two takeaways from this train wreck are:

1) It really takes a special kind of shamelessness that only Tyrese can wield to tag every.single.tweet with the title of his book.

2) Never do this again.

-K

#lilwayne

People Who Need To Just Stop: Lil Wayne

lil wayne and the miami heat

(via)

Hey Lil Wayne, it’s not exactly new information that your ass does not know how to act. Luckily, that characteristic usually results in hilarious shenanigans, like so. But now, you’re just being annoying.

Aside from his general appearance, which is a daily slap in the face to his mother, Wayne began his jump off the rails on February 10th with this tweet:

And thus began the saga of Lil Wayne and the Miami Heat. Obviously, no further explanation was offered for this seemingly odd turn of events. This is Miami we’re talking about–there’s no way he was the most obnoxious person in the building, so he must have done something really dumb. Besides, let us not pretend like this is the first time you’ve been kicked out of a building Mr. Dwayne Michael Carter. 

If we step a bit further into this maze of tomfoolery we find the actual reason for his ejection. According to a witness who was sitting near Lil Wayne, he got into an argument with another fan and then gestured that he was carrying a gun.

WHY WOULD YOU ACT LIKE YOU HAVE A GUN YOU MORON? Did you forget that you went to jail because of, and are still on probation for, criminal possession of a weapon? Even after that truly spectacular display of idiocy, the Heat apparently didn’t even forcibly remove him from the venue. Witnesses say that Wayne left on his own accord. Maybe he did maybe he didn’t, but his ass isn’t in jail so I’d say it’s still a win for him.

This stupidiculousness continued at the NBA All-Star weekend where he trash talked the Miami Heat at an after party in a rather pathetic attempt at call and response. In addition, Wayne hurled these multifaceted insults:

Hmmm ok. I don’t know if that last bit is true or not, but even if it was, do you really care? It’s Chris Bosh.

WAIT THERE’S MORE. Now Weezy claims he’s been banned from all NBA events even though the NBA denies it. David Stern is a sleezebag so it’s very possible that there is some lying going on here, but suriously with this shit, Wayne? Let it go.

Look, I don’t know why you hate the Miami Heat so much but TRUST when I say that no one cares this much. Even Cleveland don’t care as much about hating the Heat as you do. It’s time for Lil Wayne and the Miami Heat to take a break. Work with us buddy. We miss you. We want the psychotic-in-a-good-way Lil Wayne that raps real good back. Where is he?

It also needs to be noted that in the irony of ironies, a one Lil Tunechi appears on this month’s cover of something called Respect Magazine. Because of course.

lil wayne and the miami heat

(via)

-K