#RHOBH

It has been a long time since we mentioned a Bravo television show on #sasstag, which is kind of a travesty because they ultimately inspired this blog. But I cannot go on like this any longer! I am still processing the events of the Real Housewives of Beverly Hills reunion that aired last night, made even more difficult due to the fact that I am also coping with the show being done. Writing a post about it is the only way to work through my feelings (I think this is a known form of therapy??). My love for many Bravo shows has faltered, but never RHOBH. Its delivers consistently and it’s just too damn good not to watch– the way New Jersey was before Danielle Staub said her goodbyes.

Things I liked about the RHOBH Season 3 reunion:

  • The Lisa-Yolanda-Brandi alliance seemed stronger than ever.
  • I’m really glad they brought up Yolanda’s horse. Even though she is a certified bo$$, her comment about not being able to afford another horse was almost as absurd as Adrienne thinking people in this world respect her.  Which leads me to my next favorite part….
  • ADRIENNE WASN’T THERE. We didn’t have to look at her fugly shimmering hair extensions or weird bangs except when they included her in video flashback thingies. I definitely could have done without those…
  • Oh, and Andy did an amazing job of calling out Ms. Maloof for being the biggest flake ever every chance he got and I LOVE HIM FOR IT. Girl is finally getting what she deserves.
  • Camille was absent. I know she’s no longer a housewife, but it was kind of hard to remember that at some points during this season because she was just as present and involved as she was when she was still a cast mate. And even though I don’t dislike her, she truly doesn’t bring much to the table in the form of opinions, so it’s better that we didn’t have to put up with listening to her fakely soft voice for even one minute.
  • Brandi, in typical badass bitch fashion, never lost her cool. I am beyond obsessed with this woman it is probably unhealthy OK bye.

Things I didn’t like about the RHOBH Season 3 reunion:

  • Adrienne wasn’t there. This was a bit of a double-edged sword, as I truly enjoyed not having to look at her…but it would have been all that much more dramatic.
  • I had trouble sleeping last night because my opinions of Kyle (and Mauricio!) are still pretty unclear. Life was much easier when she was the clear favorite.
  • It’s not OK that they didn’t bring up Dana Wilkey’s short cameo on the show. I know she is entirely insignificant and they had a lot of ground to cover, but I think we all would have appreciated if they at least acknowledged that it happened.
  • Nobody mentioned Faye Resnick’s terrible existence. I really would have liked to see Kyle’s face as she watched the clip of Faye walking over to the Brandi-Yolanda-Marisa conversation and made things extremely awkward for no reason other than to get attention. And then I would have liked for them to spend at least 10-15 minutes discussing how hypocritical and horrific she is.
  • It ended. Not OK. Bravo could make millions more off of this show if they just presented more and more footage that they obviously already have…why are they torturing us like this?!

Andy Cohen is a saint for being able to sit in the middle of all of this year after year. He should really be charged with solving world peace at this point. I can imagine it doesn’t get much harder than getting these women to settle down.

-S

#RHOM

Tonight is the premiere of the second season of the Real Housewives of Miami so you know we’re excited over here at #sasstag. The fact that they were pretty disappointing last time around bodes well for this season because now these bitches really have to bring on the crazy to stay afloat. This will all be compounded by the fact that they’re in Miami, one of the trashiest, least in-touch cities in the country. Since I know you’ll all be watching, let’s get to know the ladies, shall we?

Lea Black

Profession: Housewife

Fun Facts:

  • Organizes The Blacks’ Annual Gala
  • Had Michelle Bernstein Cook for One of Her Dinner Parties

Bravo Housewife soulmate: LuAnn de Lesseps, RHONY

First off, let me just say that while I don’t know how old she is, but homegirl looks bangin for whatever 40+ age she happens to be. Second, I don’t know what the Blacks’ Annual Gala is but I’m hoping it’s not what I think it is. Lea without an “H” was around last season so expect her to act like an obnoxious, veteran who knows she’s better than you. But in a fun way!

Adriana De Moura

Profession: Housewife, Art Curator

Fun Facts:

  • Studied at at the Sorbonne University
  • Has traveled to more than 40 countries

Bravo Housewife soulmate: Aviva Drescher, RHONY

Not to knock her intelligence, but “studying” somewhere is not the same as “graduating” from somewhere, and unless you drank a bottle of wine in each of those 40 countries, that ain’t a useful accomplishment for a Real Housewife. I remember Adriana from last season and this bitch has a first class ticket on the crazy train. Also, in the promos, she straight up open-hand smacks another Housewife. Basically, she’ll be around next season.

Alexia Echevarria

Profession: Doesn’t have one listed so I will assume that her profession is constantly posing for the above picture

Fun Facts:

  • Worked with William Levy
  • Known as the “Cuban Barbie”

 Bravo Housewife soulmate: Melissa Gorga, RHONJ

Alexia girl, this is your color. I’d really like to know if anyone other than Alexia calls her the “Cuban Barbie”? Like, do other people know this? Can we just give ourselves monikers like that? If so, I’d like to be known as “Beyonce’s Best Friend” DOES THAT WORK?

Lisa Hochstein

Profession: Housewife

Fun Facts:

  • Posed for Playboy
  • World Traveler

Bravo Housewife soulmate: Alexis Bellino, RHOOC

It needs to be said: If a drag queen decided to become a porn star she would look like this. However, that look probably works very well in Miami. Her bio reveals that Lisa and her husband love “traveling the world together to exotic locales like Venice, St. Tropez, and Paris.”SINCE WHEN IS PARIS AN EXOTIC LOCATION LISA? I feel that her approval of that sentence will come to explain a lot about her.

Joanna Krupa

Profession: Housewife, Model

Fun Facts:

  • Has Her Own Swimwear Line
  • Talented Poker Player

Bravo Housewife soulmate: Cynthia Bailey, RHOA

Her bio goes on and on about her modeling career so you can imagine how boring that is. However, whoever decided to put the following two sentences next to each other in Joanna’s bio is a genius: “She has been engaged to Romain Zago, owner of Miami’s Mynt night club for five years. Her younger sister Marta and mom Jolanta are very active in her life and live with her while in Miami.” 

Marysol Patton

Profession: Housewife, PR Maven

Fun Facts:

  • Took a Road Trip with Elsa to be on WWHL
  • Did PR for Emilio Estefan

Bravo Housewife soulmate: Gretchen Rossi, RHOOC

Marysol is a sweetheart, but let’s get real: 75% of the reason she’s on this show is because of her mother:

It seems like Mama Elsa will be getting significantly more screen time this season so I don’t even care if Christmas comes or not. Oh yes, and Elsa is a psychic. Brava Bravo casting team, brava.

Ana Quincoces

Profession: Housewife, Lawyer, Chef

Fun Facts:

  • Author of ‘Cuban Chicks Can Cook’
  • Contributing Editor for ‘Venue’ Magazine

Bravo Housewife soulmate: Lisa Vanderpump, RHOBH

Homegirl is really milking this “chef” business. Ana, you’re a lawyer. We’re already impressed! Also, regarding the title of her book, is there some sort of stereotype that Cuban chicks don’t have the cooking skills of other chixxxx? I feel like I’ll be learning a lot from Ana this season.

Karent Sierra

Profession: Housewife, Dentist

Fun Facts:

  • Hand Model
  • Colgate Spokesperson

Bravo Housewife soulmate: Phaedra Parks, RHOA

Even though she was born in New York City, Karent “now refers to herself as a Miami native through and through,” which is weird. I feel like that small level of self-deception will prove to be a key part of Karent’s screen time this season. I’m not saying she’s not grounded in reality…I’m just saying maybe she doesn’t know what reality is.

Bring it on ladies.

-K

All photos via Bravo

 

#newyorkers

It sounds crazy, but New York City is filled with some pretty cool people other than us. That is why we started our New Yorker of the Week series where we convince some really awesome New Yorkers to answer a bunch of our silly questions.

We are crazy excited to welcome writer and Real Housewives of New York star Carole Radziwill as our New Yorker of the Week! We know she’s probably the coolest Real Housewife ever, but Cool Carole also showed that she can #sasstag with the best of them.

(via)

Name: Carole Radziwill

Occupation: Writer

Neighborhood: West Village

Favorite Twitter account: @mspennypuppy wisdom from Susan Sarandon’s dog Penny.

Favorite place in NYC: My apartment.

Best response to one of these ridiculous hashtags: #SongsThatGetYouLaid If you need a song to get laid try First Time Ever I Saw your Face, Roberta Flack. Easy lay.

Biggest NYC pet peeve: Out of town drivers looking for a parking spot.

What competitive reality show would you win and why?:
Amazing Race.  I know how to get around in foreign countries on a dime  + small enough to stowaway.

Where would you live if you didn’t live in NYC?:  Patagonia, Argentina

Popular song you are sick of/never liked: Britney Spears. Opps…I Did It Again. Ugh.

Drink of choice: Diet Coke.

Best way to spot a tourist: The people wearing fanny backs and staring up at the tall buildings.

#realhousewivesofgreekrow

I have come to a pretty amazing conclusion that being one of BravoTV’s Real Housewives is akin to being a member in a sorority.

I know that every group of girlfriends has the one who drinks too much and nobody wants to say anything (Kim), or the one who has clearly overstayed her welcome and just makes everyone uncomfortable with her presence at this point (Vicki), or the one in the awful relationship that everyone wants her to get out of (Taylor). But the housewives have not agreed to be part of just any group of friends- their relationships and obligations to one another are cult-like.

Founder:

The honorable Andy Cohen.

Chapters:

Recruitment:

Either you know one of the older girls and she puts in a good word for you, or you come from a rich and prominent family that will somehow benefit the franchise. Once you sign your contract with BravoTV, that is it- you have officially accepted your bid.

Pledging:

Thanks for sharing your hubby, big sis!

Your first season on the show is your pledge period. If you are lucky enough to befriend one of the older girls, she will likely act as your “big sister,” guiding you through the process of being on the show. She will give you invaluable advice if and when you get in a tiff with your pledge sisters (see: Brandi and Lisa).

Sisterhood Retreat:

That extravagant trip each group of housewives is forced to take once a season is the sisterhood retreat. Whether it be Morocco, South Africa, or Colorado- this is girls only time where you are expected to bond with your sisters and stay up all night exchanging stories and telling secrets (often while fighting).

Initiation:

A Bravo Housewife if officially initiated into the sisterhood once she has survived her first reunion.

Forcibly Deactivated Sisters:

See: Kelly, Danielle, All of DC and Miami, etc.

These sisters are not only no longer part of their chapter, they have been asked by nationals to peace the eff out.

Alumni:

See: Bethenny, Kandi, Kim, Lisa

Housewives alums are sisters who paid their dues in chapter (read: helped with ratings) but have graduated into the real world. This transition is marked by being given a BravoTV show of your own.

National Convention:

From time to time, founder Andy Cohen will host national conventions, bringing together sisters from all of the land. They will all congregate at nationals, a.k.a. BravoTV headquarters/The Clubhouse. At events such as these, sisters will exchange group travel tips, recipes, and hazing dinner party ideas.

OMG you guys, formal 2012 was soo fun!

-S

(Photos via BravoTV.com)

#lisavanderpump

One of the sassiest Real Housewives, Lisa Vanderpump, is getting a Bravo spin-off! Wahoo!!! News like this is always good news because I can never get enough of those women and their lives. However, I (obviously) have one small complaint about this. Why is the new show about her restaurant, Sur, and not her dog, Giggy? He is literally the cutest animal on reality television that is not featured on Animal Planet. He has walked more red carpets than I could ever dream to.

What could possibly be happening here that we haven’t already seen? Cedric shows up and spoils the fun? Another one of Eddie Cibrian’s mistresses shows up? Snooze.

Bad call, Bravo. I’ll obviously still be watching…but still.

-S

#housewifeshowdown

The championship round of the #sasstag Housewife Showdown is here!

We have analyzed endless taglines, detailed some of their most absurd extravagances, looked back at the ladies’ most memorable fights, and inspected some class A intoxicated moments. This week, with just two ladies left in the running, the winner will be decided by who has taken their exploitation of Bravo “fame” to the most shameless level.

Teresa vs. Kim Z

Teresa- Published three cookbooks, appeared on one non-Bravo reality show, one line of alcoholic beverages, several endorsement deals
Kim- One Bravo spin-off, one hit song, occasional endorsements
 

Teresa has been a Bravolebrity for three full seasons and has managed to publish two cookbooks and has another one on the way. (She is popping those things out faster than Jersey babies.) This is especially impressive when you factor in the fact that she probably hadn’t even read a book before this show. She “owns an online boutique”, which is interesting considering her history with fiscal responsibility. Teresa is also tapping into the “skinny” booze fad by releasing a line of low-cal bellinis called Fabellini. Finally, she’s appearing on Celebrity Apprentice (the term “celebrity” here is understood to be a loose description). SHE IS EVERYWHERE. On the other hand, Kim has used her Bravolebrity status to record a, inexplicably, hit dance single and ink a reality show deal of her very own. Unfortunately, (or perhaps fortunately, depending on how you look at it) Kim focuses her exploitation skills almost primarily on the gold digging arena.

And there you have it! Teresa Giudice is the Ultimate Real Housewife! She had some tough competition but we always knew girlfriend was a fighter. We will now start a petition for Andy Cohen to spin this off into a live-action showdown extravaganza. Signatures needed.