#stop

People Who Need To Just Stop:

Today calls for a group edition of People Who Need To Just Stop because I can’t decide who needs to take a bigger seat. So, here are three people who need to get their lives in check.

The Situation

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(via)

Haven’t seen this one in awhile, huh? The Situation is finally getting around to filming his reality show because the entire nation has been tightly wringing our weather-inappropriate beanies in anticipation. Need it really be stated how wildly unnecessary this is? Situation, you’re done, homie. We think you’re creepy and find your abs to be very oddly shaped for a human being. The Jersey Shore has come to an and and while we appreciate your service to the cause of being completely ridiculous and humiliating Italian Americans, we’re ready to call it a day. We already have “What Would Ryan Lochte Do?” Hasn’t our common sense and brain function taken enough of a hit?

Vanilla Ice

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(via DIY Network/AP)

In more unnecessary television programming, Vanilla Ice also has a reality show in the works called: Vanilla Ice Goes Amish. OIAJSDFK JASKLDFJ AKLSDF ASDFASKDFJ AKSLDFJAKLSJFASK KILL ME NOW I’M DEAD DEAD ALKSDFJ ALSKFJDASKLF

LEAVE AMISH PEOPLE ALONE! First we were enamored with child beauty queens, then Guidos and Boston townies and now the Amish obsession is in full swing. Let’s be honest, are the Amish really that interesting? Like, interesting enough that we should watch Vanilla Ice construct wagons with them? Because that’s what the show is about: Vanilla Ice learning construction from Amish people in Ohio. Perfect! I love watching neurotic, washed-up celebrities anachronistically build shit.

Who is watching this show? NO, SERIOUSLY. I want to know. At this point, just from a sociological perspective, I want to find out how Vanilla Ice keeps getting put on television. And if I find out that it’s you, you best believe that I’ll be coming for you.

 

The Roman Catholic Diocese of Brooklyn

Because they need to stop putting up these ads:

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What.

The.

Hell.

Really guys? We’re going there? We’re going to use the holiest figure in Catholicism to pander to Brooklyn hipsters? ARE WE REALLY DOING THAT? Can we please stop speculating on what Jesus would be like if he were alive today? 1) It seems a smidgen disrespectful and 2) WHO CARES? Does that change the Bible? Does make Jesus a hipster add the eighth sacrament of growing a handlebar mustache to Catholicism?

Also, from a marketing perspective, this is dumb. Do ads for churches really work? How easily swayed do you think people are? If they weren’t going to Mass before, they ain’t going now just because you slapped some dirty Converses on their Lord and Savior.

-K

#one57

In the latest ridiculous New York City real estate news, a woman from China just purchased a $6.5 million unfinished apartment for her two year old daughter. This toddler, who DOES NOT EVEN LIVE IN AMERICA is the proud owner of a new apartment in NYC’s luxe new One57 building, which will be the tallest residential building in the city when construction is finished (yes, the same one with the dangling crane from Hurricane Sandy). Excuse me while I continue to haggle with my landlord about the rent on my shoebox of an apartment.
The buyer stated that her daughter will likely attend Columbia, NYU, or Harvard, so she would need a place in the center of the city for when she is a college student. In 2028. I’m not really sure how she’s going to fare with the four hour commute to Cambridge, Massachusetts, but maybe the swanky apartment comes with access to a helicopter?
I can imagine that a lot of people out there think this is a really nice gesture on the mom’s part, but I am not one of those people. Most likely, this little girl has not even had the chance to form a full sentence on her own yet, and her life has already peaked. When we talk about parents planning out their kids’ lives, it usually starts when there is an idea of their general capabilities, personality, interests, etc. If your mom drops $6.5 million dollars on an apartment for you, you are pretty much obligated to live out her dreams from the minute you understand that you are a person in this world.
Also, not to get too specific here (but let’s be real, I’m obviously going to), whether this chick ends up going to Columbia or NYU, she is going to HATE the location of her apartment when she is in college. No view of Central Park is going to make up for the fact that you live at least 50 blocks from your school in either direction.
Feel free to pull one of those “oh you’re just jealous” lines, but let me tell you- I very much enjoyed being able to walk to all of my classes in college. Being allowed to make my own choices was a plus, too.
-S

#winterblues

At the beginning of February 2012 I wrote a post lamenting the fact that we weren’t getting to experience real winter in NYC (and probably lots of other places but I don’t live in other places). Here are the main takeaways from that post:

  • The only season I really experienced from start to finish when I was growing up was hurricane season.
  • Going to college in New England was scary but it made me appreciate the cold/winter/snow and general changes in weather.
  • I like everything associated with December-March so it was upsetting to me that there was no winter weather last year.

Well, I’m here to take back 90% of what I said then. This is actually how I feel about it:

 

I tried to like winter, but after spending some time with it…I’ve realized I really dislike it. Such is life. While most winters might warrant a moderate to severe dislike, I absolutely HATE winter when it is as shitty as the one 2013 has given us. I thought this year was off to a great start considering the increased amounts of Beyonce we’ve had in our lives, but oh my goodness this constant flow of wintry mix falling from the sky is becoming unbearable. I did not enjoy the winter storm that was Nemo, despite its cute name. And I certainly did not enjoy Saturn. I did not enjoy any other form of precipitation, especially whatever one might call that stuff that was coming down the last two days. Mini snow pellets mixed with large snowflakes? Tiny/sharp hail disguised in fluffy mini snowballs? Whatever it was, it was horrendous.

As I write this, the temperature is 34° but it feels like 24°, so that’s fun. It’s also MARCH 20TH.

weather

 

Last year when I was complaining about the weather it was because it was 64° on February 1st. Just to put things in perspective. I know, I know…at this point it probably just seems like I like to complain a lot. I do. But that has nothing to do with the fact that I tried really hard to not hate winter in New York and I just simply cannot bring myself not to. I even waited this long to say something- I could have pointed out a month and a half ago how terrible the weather was compared to the last time I said anything about it.

Bottom line is that New York City is a lot more fun when you can leave your apartment without tears streaming down your face due to the biting, frosty wind in your eyes. I’m over it. NYC friends- now would be a really good time for one of those “this is why living here is worth it” pep talks.

-S

 

#sodaban

Today is a very happy day in New York City. For me, at least. Because today, the soda ban was supposed to become an actual thing (for those who are unaware of the soda ban in NYC, our lovely mayor basically wanted to outlaw the sale of sugary drinks larger than 16 ounces). Thankfully, it was invalidated by a judge last minute AND HERE I AM DRINKING A 24 OUNCE DIET COKE!

As much as I <3 Michael Bloomberg, I have been a little irked with him as of late. It started to become more serious as the date of the soda ban got closer, and it sort of just snowballed from there. It’s not that I don’t think obesity is an issue that needs to be addressed. But don’t come between a girl and her trenta iced coffee. It’s that simple.

Mikey Mike was obviously caught off guard and immediately appealed the ruling. He clearly got quite ahead of himself here, announcing new campaigns he was working on as he finishes out his term. There are still a million things about NYC that I think need to be addressed before this whole public health thing, so I am beyond delighted that his spirits may be a little bit crushed. It’s not that I don’t want him to succeed, but let’s be real- the folks at Dunkin’ Donuts already have enough trouble getting my order right. They don’t need to deal with this on a daily basis:

Side note: coffee orders would have been included in the soda ban if the beverage was not at least 50% milk. Who drinks their coffee with that much milk?!

Moral of the story: don’t celebrate your successes too early. And don’t come between New Yorkers and their extra large fountain sodas. Oh, and many thanks to Justice Milton A. Tingling Jr. of the State Supreme Court in Manhattan. I suggest you all join me in my celebration today and order many large sugary drinks.

-S

#bloomberg

I feel like New Yorkers have a pretty open love/hate relationship with Mayor Mike Bloomberg. Maybe not. But I know I do. For example: I generally consume at least 16 ounces of soda at a time, so his ban on the sale of large, carbonated beverages makes me resent him more than a little bit. But I also love it when he tries to speak Spanish, providing me with countless hours of entertainment (thank you, @ElBloombito). He was consistently striking a delicate balance with me. Until now. Bloomberg just announced that the city will be spending $250,000 on a public awareness campaign to raise awareness about safe use of personal music players and the risks of loud and long listening.

While I understand the risk of listening to your iPod too loudly, I believe there are really an endless amount of things that need to be improved in NYC before our awareness of headphone volume level is addressed publicly. By spending $250,000.

Here is a list of things I think Bloomberg should spend this money on before he brings up this volume situation again (disclaimer: I am fully aware the money for this came from a grant and needs to be used for a specific purpose. I am still allowed to complain.):

  1. Make it so I don’t become deaf every time a train pulls into a station (can’t the grant money at least be used for this??? It’s still relevant/topical!).
  2. Clean up even just a little bit of the trash on the subway tracks so I don’t have to stare at all those rats running around when I’m waiting for my train.
  3. Speaking of which, why don’t you spend some money on installing some sort of sign that tells me when exactly how long I will be waiting for my train? In ALL the stations. The way every other underground train system in the world has had it since technology was a thing.
  4. Also, get rid of the rats in/on/near/around the subway tracks/platform/station.
  5. Take care of all of the vomit that accumulates on the sides of streets on a daily basis (but especially from Thursday-Saturday). We shouldn’t have to wait for rainfall to get rid of that awful puke puddle we have to maneuver around on our way to work every morning.
  6. Make our city smell less like pee.
  7. Remove some of the scaffolding that serves no purpose and has clearly been up for way too long.
  8. Clear the snow immediately after it falls rather than letting it sit and be filthy for days on end until it melts.

I obviously love New York and living here and whatnot, but sometimes we have to acknowledge our living conditions. Regardless, Living in NYC > living anywhere else.

-S

#newyorkers

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Photo credit: Tanya Gelman

Oh, hello. As you can see, we are your New Yorkers of the Week because A) we’re awesome and B) we wanted to let you all know about some big changes that are coming up here at #sasstag.  Neither of us is pregnant (wooo) or Beyonce (sad) but this is our version of:

SO make sure to check back in on Monday and see what we have for you. We’re super excited and you should be too.

-K & S