#anchorman

It’s been over a year since we last discussed the reincarnation of Ron Burgundy here on #sasstag, so it’s about time we had a catch up sesh. The continuation of the legend (no, really…it’s called Anchorman: The Legend Continues) got a release date- mark your calendars for December 2oth! Losing The Office this month is going to be a tough blow, but at least this sort of makes up for it.

Anyways, that date was actually announced a while back. The more pressing thing we need to talk about is that Kim Kardashian was on the movie’s set yesterday and it is sending shivers down my spine. Apparently, Kanye is making a cameo in the film (???) and Kim went to the film’s set in Atlanta to keep him company. I know that shouldn’t necessarily make anybody think she has anything to do with the movie, but the people working on this set are generally crazy– otherwise the first movie wouldn’t have been as amazing as we all know it to be. What if Kim’s presence on set gives them ideas they shouldn’t be having? THESE ARE THE THINGS I WORRY ABOUT, PEOPLE.

This photo

is what E! is using to scare the crap out of us with re: the Kim K thing. Maybe I’m missing something here but this isn’t the most solid of evidence…which is kind of a good thing in this case. What I am happy about, however, is this picture of Amy Poehler and Tina Fey also on the set, but actually acting out a scene in the movie:

Those are some new characters I’m very OK with seeing this time around.

-S

#oscarpistorius

People Who Need To Just Stop: Everyone Thinking of Making An Oscar Pistorius Movie

 

Yes, you read that correctly. There exists, a contingent of people in Hollywood who think that making a movie about Oscar Pistorius is a good idea right now, (or at all really) proving once and for all that some people just do not know how to act.

Oscar Pistorius movie

(via)

Hollywood insiders say two scripts are currently being developed and that one of the major studios is set to make an announcement on the project soon. 

‘You’ve got one of the world’s most famous sportsmen under arrest and a beautiful young woman who meets a violent death,’ says a mole. ‘Scripts began doing the rounds within days of the scandal breaking.’

This is actually disgusting. That “mole” should reconsider every single one of it’s life choices and does it even really need to be said how TOO DAMN SOON this is? TOO SOON on every front.

How do you make a film about something without having a shred of insight or perspective–stuff that you can only really get with the passing of time? How can you write a script where the main plot point is a case that isn’t even resolved yet? How can anyone be this much of an insensitive, money-grubbing asshole? HOW CAN YOU POSSIBLY SUCK THIS MUCH AND HAVE NO SENSE OF DECENCY OR COMPASSION?

I cannot believe that this is something that even exists for me to think about. They’ve even gone so far as to throw around names of who they want to play the characters in the film. Reportedly, the role of Oscar is being offered to one, Ryan Gosling.

Oscar Pistorius movie

(via Kevin Winter – © 2011 Getty Images)

And they’re eyeing CharlizeTheron for the part of his girlfriend, Reeva Steenkamp, who ya know, Oscar Pistorius murdered about a month and a half ago.

Oscar Pistorius movie

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Yes Charlize Theron who also magically happens to be a blonde South African model who has a history of gun violence in her life because that’s classy.

This is just every fucking shade of wrong. And exploitative. And vaguely cruel. And irresponsible. And gross gross gross.

Charlize Theron and Ryan Gosling don’t seem like extraordinary morons who want to commit career suicide, so luckily I can’t imagine that either would actually be involved in the film if it comes to fruition. Even if, god forbid, this movie actually comes together, I can at least bet that it’ll be relegated to Lifetime where tact and self-awareness go to die.

Basically, they need to deep six this shit ASAP Rocky because there isn’t a single thing that isn’t wrong with an Oscar Pistorius movie.

For the love of decency do not do this. Seriously.

-K

#oscars

The Most Important Observations About the 2013 Academy Award Oscar Handout Extravaganza From the Most Important Person You Know

I think that brilliant title pretty much covers everything, so let’s just jump right into the most vital of vital Oscar moments and observations from last night:

  • To the left to the left, everything about that dumb theme in a body bag to the left

Music in film? No thank you. NO. Thank. Yew. Why did the Oscars even have a theme? Do they do this every year? If so, they’ve done an excellent job of burying those other wack-ass themes because I had no idea this was a thing. It ain’t the Tony’s, son. No one asked for this. I can’t even begin to imagine the droves of new, young viewers they pulled in with this one.

  • Seth MacFarlane wasn’t great

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True, he had a few decent jokes, but they were all drowned out by the lazy stupidity of the rest of his act. The fact that he had to follow Tina and Amy’s brilliant Golden Globes gig just highlighted how incompetent for this job he was–although everyone is incompetent next to Tina and Amy. Also, I’m just going to say it: I don’t really get William Shatner. His presence never amuses me. I just…I dunno. Can’t board that train.

  • Channing Tatum and Brandi Glanville…OH OK

85th Annual Academy Awards - Arrivals

I don’t mean to loop them in together because Channing Tatum does have real talents–acting just isn’t one of them. Yes, I know he’s getting better, but why exactly is Hollywood letting him use major motion pictures as his personal actor’s studio? I will say that his presence did make more sense when I realized that he’d be dancing, but believe me when I say that no one, but NO ONE, wants to see this man ballroom dancing.

If Brandi Glanville is allowed to attend the Oscars in this fugtricous dress, then, as I’ve said before, I should officially be bestowed the title of Ultimate Princess Kara Supreme, Empress Down Ass Bitch of the Universe, because that too doesn’t make a lot of sense.

  •  Shirley Bassey is an older Maya Rudolph/Maya Rudolph is a younger Shirley Bassey

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DON’T TELL ME YOU DON’T SEE IT.

  • The Academy Award Orchestra is full of some BAMFs

Dayum to whoever came up with the idea of using the Jaws theme song as the “wrap it up” music. That was some stone cold shade and I LOVED IT. It was like a living, breathing #sasstag.

  • “It came true.” -Anne Hathaway

She be on that Taylor Swift tip. OK ANNE. You have your Oscar now. Enough of this.

  • Halle Berry and Jane Fonda

These goddesses incarnate are 46 and 75 years old, respectively.

85th Annual Academy Awards - Arrivals

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(Jason Merritt/Getty Images)

PLEASE LORD give me a pot full of whatever these ladies have been having. They clearly know something that all those other bitches don’t.

  • Adele and Jennifer Hudson are the only ones who should have been allowed to sing

Probably ever, but especially in this case. Why did they do a tribute to a move that came out SEVEN YEARS AGO? An even better question: How did they produce a tribute to music in film and not include “Lose Yourself”??? Blasphemy.

  • Everyone needs to stop acting like Ben Affleck is Ernest Shackleton

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Look, I’m a Ben Affleck fan and I’m happy for his success, but we need to stop acting like this man went to hell and back. He hit softbottom, if anything. The lowest point of his life (at least ostensibly) was dating one of the most beautiful women to have existed on Earth and getting paid millions of dollars to voluntarily make crappy movies. He didn’t even have a drug problem a la Robert Downey Jr.  Don’t call it a comeback, kids.  And just HELL to the NO to every single thought behind that beard.

-K

#ICYMI

If you are a #sasstag reader, I assume you lead a really cool life. Which means that on the weekends, you are out of the house, doing fun and cultured things with your awesome friends. You don’t have time to stay updated on the happenings of Hollywood and/or the world between 5 PM on Friday and 9 AM on Monday. The easiest fix? Reading our weekly In Case You Missed It post- the most important pop culture news roundup out there. Everything you need to have an opinion on before heading to the water cooler, every Monday morning. Enjoy!

Oscars Edition

Helen Hunt wore H&M

Helen Hunt oscars

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The dress is from their sale rack, if we’re being specific here. She could have at least gone with a Target collabo…this is just janky.

Seth MacFarlane did a ‘meh’ job

All this coming from a devoted Family Guy fan! I hate that I was disappointed by the overall hosting job, but there were definitely some highlights. I guess it’s hard to beat Tina and Amy, even if it is the Oscars.

There was a tie and it was super awkward

The award for Best Sound Editing went to two different people, which I don’t remember every seeing before but, evidently, this can happen. I didn’t like it and I doubt the people who received the award were thrilled about it. The Academy should really not let this happen again…

Kristen Stewart was part of the show

What on earth was that about? She was so clearly out of place in that crowd, I could tell she was uncomfortable. And not just because she came in on cruches and hobbled across the stage when she presented (WHO LET HER DO THAT?).  Also, not just because she always looks like she is uncomfortable. She just obviously doesn’t belong there. She can feel free to continue attending vampire movie awards shows, but for now, she needs to steer clear of real movie territory.

-S

#springbreakers

Somewhere in Hollywood, a savvy yet skeezy marketer/producer was hit up for money by his stepdaughter so she could go on an awesome spring break trip during her sophomore year of college. Around the same time, he received separate text messages from Vanessa Hudgens and Selena Gomez asking around for recon on any “adult” roles. Vanessa totes wanted to make Zac Efron jealous while Selena wanted to prove to Justin that he’s not the only one who can be grown n’ sexy. Thus,  Spring Breakers is born. Probably.

The title alone–as if a “Spring Breaker” is some sort of sanctioned proper noun–should be your first clue about the caliber of this film. In case you need a few more, watch the trailer.

Since that was a jumbled, non-descriptive mess, here’s a bit of a plot rundown:

Four college girls who land in jail after robbing a restaurant in order to fund their spring break vacation find themselves bailed out by a drug and arms dealer who wants them to do some dirty work.

GET THE PULITZERS READY FOLKS. (Ok, I know screenplays don’t generally win Pulitzers but I feel strongly that an exception will be made for this resplendent work of art.)

0:19 First things first, Vanessa Hudgens is the least convincing blonde ever. Now, I don’t really know what that means but I know it’s true.

Spring Breakers Trailer

0:21 This whole film looks like it was shot through an Instagram filter.

0:30 I could be wrong, but it seems like these bitches are going to commit armed robbery in like, the first 20 minutes of the film. Yes, four very petite, very skinny girls acquire guns, (although that’s scarily probably the most realistic part of the whole film) ROB A RESTAURANT AND FORCIBLY HOLD DOWN A GROWN MAN TO DO SO. If this is the premise on which your entire film rests, then we’re probably going to have some trouble. 

Fun Fact: The script was written in just 10 days, which I believe more than I’ve ever believed anything.

0:43 I seriously think all these Disney bitches just wanted to be in an R-rated movie, because they can’t possibly want to be taken seriously as actresses. ALSO I’d like to meet one person who has ever been in an organic situation that remotely resembled the one above.

Pop Quiz! Q: Is spring break really worth committing a violent crime for? A: No, never, not at all, ever ever ever.

0:48 This is something that deserves a very serious discussion: James Franco. I honestly thought James Franco was Riff Raff. Like, I thought Riff Raff was starring in this film, which, REAL TALK, would have been a way way better alternative.

0:56 I’m taking a leap of faith here, but I feel like this is not how things are handled in actual courts of law. But I’m pretty sure this movie is set in Florida, so I’d have to roll the dice on that one.

1:06 Back to James Franco/Riff Raff because we have to remember our history so as to avoid repeating it.

1:10 It should be noted that James Franco has been saying that his character was, in fact, not inspired by Riff Raff but by some other random underground rapper. PLEASE JAMES. You no longer have any credibility as a human being.

1:14 YO, how long have these girls been on spring break?

1:24 The above image is presented without commentary, although I imagine it to be a perfect metaphor for this entire project.

1:32 Gucci Mane oh Mane! How the moderately mighty have fallen. I’m sure his character will be multi-dimensional and stereotype-free because drugs dealers who wear gold chains and hang out in nightclubs with neon lights usually are.

 Never Forget.

Remember guys, if you pay to see movies like Spring Breakers, it will only encourage them to make more that are exactly like this. Make good choices. Godspeed.

-K

#shialabeouf

People Who Need To Just Stop: Shia LaBeouf

Shia, Shia Shia… you went from adorable child star:

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To surprisingly good-looking action star:

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To this:

(via Frazer Harrison/Getty Images)

Shia, I used to be a real fan of yours, but then I heard you give obnoxious interview after obnoxious interview and I just couldn’t take it anymore. I’m not even going to harp on his physical appearance. He can look however he wants. He’s also entitled to unload a pile of rancid bullshit every time he opens his mouth–but that doesn’t mean he should. Shia, homeboy, please just stop.

Recent dumb things he’s done

  • Taken method acting too far

Shia’s two latest roles in Lawless and The Necessary Death of Charlie Countryman have called for him to be drunk on moonshine and high on acid, respectively. So Shia decided to actually drink moonshine and drop acid. John Hillcoat, the director of Lawless, states the obvious by saying that it’s not exactly Method acting, but that it’s “Method-like.” Nah, that’s not acting at all. It’s one thing to try out these things so you can fully understand what the character is going through. It’s another thing entirely to actually do crazy shit while you’re filming. That’s just called living, albeit like an idiot.

  • Agreed to have real sex onscreen for a film

Yo, THAT’S CALLED PORN. Porn stars may technically be “actors” but there’s a reason no one calls them that. Hmm PROBABLY BECAUSE THEY’RE NOT ACTUALLY ACTING.

  • Revealed an on-set affair with his married Transformers co-star, Megan Fox

Granted, this isn’t that recent, but it still deserves to be included. Shia, what a completely unnecessary dick move–and I don’t even like Megan Fox.

Recent dumb things he’s said

  • “There’s a way to do an acid trip like Harold & Kumar, and there’s a way to be on acid,”

Nope nope soap-a-dope-on-a-rope. I’m pretty sure that  any way you slice it, doing acid is just doing acid.

  • “What I know of acting, Sean Penn actually strapped up to that (electric) chair in Dead Man Walking. These are the guys that I look up to.”

Look, Sean Penn is undoubtedly a great actor, but let’s just say, he’s Sean Penn.

  • On his new direction away from mainstream blockbusters: “All I’m really trying to say in the most politically sensible way is, ‘Thank you so much for giving me the opportunities, I would just like to make movies about people now.’ That’s it.”

Look buddy, you didn’t star in Finding Nemo, ok? You did play an actual human in Transformers. And FYI, that statement isn’t really political and it for damn certain isn’t sensible.

  • “If I could give the money back and get all the credibility in the world that I’m seeking, I would do it tomorrow,” he says. “In a heartbeat.”

SHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUP. Also, let’s he honest, post-Even Stevens Shia was almost always lauded as a legitimate actor–even when he starred in huge blockbusters. When he says “credibility” what he means is “praise for my sensitive ego”.

You know, there was a time when Steven Spielberg said that Shia LaBeouf reminded him of a young Tom Hanks. Yeeeaaah…

Bonus question: Who’s more obnoxiously annoying, Shia LaBeouf or James Franco?

-K