#kreayshawn

May 7, 2013 by Leave a Comment

GUYS, Kreayshawn is pregnant and I don’t feel like the world is sufficiently concerned about this.

Kreayshawn is pregnant

(via Instagram)

Look, it’s no secret that I’m not Kreayshawn’s biggest fan. She’s obnoxious and makes terrible, terrible music and hangs out with dumb people and generally shames the entire history of rap and hip hop culture, but I don’t actively wish any ill will on the girl.

Honestly, I’m just not confident that this is the best life move for Kreayshawn. She’s coming off of perhaps the most humiliating album debut an artist has ever had. I’m worried that she might see this baby business as a distraction of sorts–a hobby if you will–until she returns to music (which, let’s be clear, she should never return to music).

There are just some issues I’m still working through with all of this:

  • Kreayshawn is 23 years-old. Most normal 23 year-olds shouldn’t be responsible for a human child.
  • She announced her pregnancy through Instagram, complete with weeping cartoon graphics:
kreayshawn is pregnant

(via Instagram)

  • No one who Instagrams a selfie every two days should be a parent. I WILL STAND BY THAT STATEMENT FOREVER.
  • Who exactly is this man who impregnated her and will (hopefully) be raising this child with her? Is it this guy?
Kreayshawn is pregnant

(via Instagram)

  • WHO IS THIS GUY? Make yourself known man. There are some very serious conversations that need to be had.
  • This tweet:

I’m am not LOLing Kreayshawn. I am not LOLing.

-K

Filed Under: Celebrities Tagged With: , , ,

#beyonce

May 2, 2013 by Leave a Comment

Basic peoples and their basic kin are making a giant kerfuffle over the Beyonce tour rider that was kinda sorta leaked a couple days ago. I really don’t know what these fools are whining about because it looks like a list of  highly reasonable demands to me. We do all understand that Beyonce wields more influence, power and wealth than actual Queens, right?

beyonce tour rider

(via iam.beyonce.com )

  • All crew members have to wear 100% cotton.

Damn, she’s doing THEM a favor. She’s just making sure that no ones polyester wearing ass lights on fire under those blistering stage lights. Sounds to me like she just wants to keep her crew happy and comfortable. This barely even benefits her. She’s a woman of the people y’all.

  • Alkaline water must be chilled to 21 degrees and served with $900 titanium straws.

It’s been decades since most mega-celebrities have drank anything resembling regular water. This really isn’t specific to Beyonce at all. You all also have to keep in mind that $900 to Beyonce is like $5 to the rest of us. A $900 straw is basically a pack of gum to this woman.

  • Bathrooms must have new toilet seats and red toilet paper at every venue.

It’s called sanity and hygine people!!! If I had the option of using a new toilet seat everywhere I went, you best believe I would take it. Admittedly, the red toilet paper bit is a bit odd. I’m not exactly sure how red toilet paper functions differently from regular toilet paper, but honestly I’m not too interested in finding out.

  • Hand-carved ice balls should be made after each show to cool her throat.

Umm… it’s frozen water. Deal. And of course it needs to be smooth and round. We can’t have Queen Bey choking on your second-rate, splintery ice cubes.

  • No junk food is allowed. Instead, snacks must include glass platters of almonds and oatcakes, and there’s a strict green-only policy when it comes to salad bar nibbles.

YES AND? Homegirl likes to eat healthy. It’s why she’s modeling bikinis a year after having a child. WHO WOULD HATE ON THIS BEAUTIFUL HEALTHY EATING?

Chill out and get your lives in order because Beyonce clearly has hers on lockdown.

-K

Filed Under: Celebrities Tagged With:

#lindsaylohan

May 2, 2013 by Leave a Comment

Today is a special day in the life of Lindsay Lohan. Because today is the day she goes back home to rehab. And you know what they say about rehab…sixth time is a charm! Yes, my friends…Lilo is finally going to get all those issues of hers worked out.

She is currently on day one of a 90 day rehabilitation program and we should all be wishing her the best of luck, because there’s nothing our world needs more right now than Lindsay Lohan getting back on her feet. Just kidding- there are a few things. But still…Amanda Bynes is contributing more than her fair share of child star craziness, so we really don’t need Lindsay to be occupying that space anymore. And who wouldn’t want Lindsay Lohan to start acting again?!

As she was packing for her vacay, Lindsay posted a photo on Instagram of the 270 looks she is bringing along with her for 90 days. Because if you don’t change three times a day in rehab, you remain addicted to drugs. That’s how it works, people! Anyways, I’m glad to see Linds prioritized what she needed to do before going off to her all-inclusive resort getaway. First, she went to Coachella. Now she’s curating pieces for the extended, three-month fashion show she is about to put on.

I have a few wishes for Lindsay’s time in rehab, and they are as follows:

1) I hope that she will, in fact, be the most fashionable person there. Because she’s really trying, you guys. Look how much effort she’s putting into this. She deserves this one.

2) I hope that she doesn’t get transferred to the rehabilitation facility of her choosing. If you didn’t hear, Linds and her dad are hard at work getting the judge to allow her to switch facilities from some place in California to some place in Florida. Even if it’s after she starts the 90 days of her treatment. Because switching her from a beach on the west coast to a beach on the east coast is totally worth disrupting her therapy for…

3) I hope this is the last we hear re: Lindsay and rehab. Other than her maybe starting her own rehab center at some point, a la Betty Ford.

We’re about to face a long period of time without any paparazzi pics of Lilo, so brace yourselves. Every mention of her fabulousness on #sasstag can be found here- a little something to tide you over.

-S

Filed Under: Celebrities

#mariahcarey

May 1, 2013 by Leave a Comment

God love Mariah Carey, y’all. GOD LOVE HER MAGICAL PIXIE DUST-COATED BRAIN.

The (probably) self-proclaimed Queen of the World and her husband Nick Cannon celebrated their fifth wedding anniversary and the second birthday of their twins by renewing their vows in Disneyland. DISNEYLAND PEOPLE.

Mariah Carey

(via Mariah Carey)

Normally I would say that people who choose to get married in Disneyland are the most basic of sorts, but obviously Mariah did it in a way that was so ridiculously elaborate and insane that it transcended basicness by an entire solar system. Did I mention that this is INSANE?

It kind of looks like she’s wearing one of those horrid Pnina Tornai dresses all of those blind brides pick out on Say Yes to the Dress, but amazingly she pulls it off because she is Mariah on fiya.

Mariah Carey

(via Mariah Carey)

She made Nick dress up in a Prince Charming costume–naturally. God love Nick Cannon also because he clearly seriously loves this woman and also doesn’t want to give up the world’s best setup. Homeboy has it made.

Mariah also Vined (OMG GUYS IS THAT A VERB NOW) the entire process which you should definitely visit. Something about Vine makes all of this seem that much crazier–it must be because the loop makes it seem like you’re stuck in some sort of steroid fortified Disney vortex.

At the end of the day this was for dem babies–at least ostensibly–who probably sleep on pillows woven from clouds and have Blue Ivy on speed dial so I can’t hate.

At this point, Mariah Carey is probably the only person with whom I’d be willing to share the title of Down Ass Bitch of the Universe. But by “down” I mean “crazy”.

-K

Filed Under: Celebrities Tagged With: , , ,

#trendingtopics

April 26, 2013 by Leave a Comment

Each week we take a look at some of Twitter’s most entertaining trending topics and provide some deep and meaningful insight. Or we just bitch about it.

April 20th-April 26th

  • Happy 420

When: 4/20

Why: Your stoner friend’s favorite holiday

Shir: It is always a happy 4/20 when it’s my little brother’s birthday! And my BFF’s. Celebrations all day long.

Kara: You know guys, we get it–you smoke weed. No need to pick 4/20 to continually tweet about how much you love ganja. WE GOT IT. And it’s not nearly as cool as you think it is.

  • Body Party

When: 4/22

Why: Ciara releases the video for her new single

Shir: I can’t decide if I was made more uncomfortable by the overly sexual nature of the video or by the ridiculous product placement. Ciara, this is not a way to make a come back.

Kara: I can’t figure out how I feel about this Ciara comeback. On one hand, I’m all for a return of the R&B divas. But Ciara needs to check herself a bit. You can’t keep going after Rihanna, girl when it took you three tries to finally release a single that wasn’t awful. Ciara, I welcome you back with a one-armed hug. We’ll see about this.

  • #AFollowerThatiWannaFight

When: 4/22

Why: Twitter be twittering

Shir: People of Twitter: ?????????

Kara: This is soooo like Twitter. What’s great about this is that you’d clearly be targeting all the people that you hate-follow which is both obnoxious and a compliment to them. I would also love to know the repercussion that stemmed from the use of this hashtag–Twitter fights are one of the most petty, embarrassing things we’ve birthed as human beings.

  • Blue Ivy

When: 4/25

Why: Blue Ivy is spotted with her parents in Paris

Shir: Two things: 1) Blue Ivy should be trending on a daily basis, not just whenever a pap catches a photo of her. 2) I WILL GIVE UP ALL MATERIAL POSSESSIONS TO BABYSIT THIS ANGELIC CHILD.

Kara: Guys. Guys. GUYS. This child has the ability to make grown adults lose their damn minds and I feel like she KNOWS it. I feel like every time she gives the camera glimpse of that all-Beyonce-up-top and all-Jay-Z-on-the bottom face she knows that she’s sending the entire globe into a frenzy. We are all at the percy of a toddler. Bow down bitches.

Filed Under: Celebrities, Trending Topics

#stop

April 24, 2013 by Leave a Comment

People Who Need To Just Stop:

Today calls for a group edition of People Who Need To Just Stop because I can’t decide who needs to take a bigger seat. So, here are three people who need to get their lives in check.

The Situation

the_situation

(via)

Haven’t seen this one in awhile, huh? The Situation is finally getting around to filming his reality show because the entire nation has been tightly wringing our weather-inappropriate beanies in anticipation. Need it really be stated how wildly unnecessary this is? Situation, you’re done, homie. We think you’re creepy and find your abs to be very oddly shaped for a human being. The Jersey Shore has come to an and and while we appreciate your service to the cause of being completely ridiculous and humiliating Italian Americans, we’re ready to call it a day. We already have “What Would Ryan Lochte Do?” Hasn’t our common sense and brain function taken enough of a hit?

Vanilla Ice

VANILLA-ICE-AMISH

(via DIY Network/AP)

In more unnecessary television programming, Vanilla Ice also has a reality show in the works called: Vanilla Ice Goes Amish. OIAJSDFK JASKLDFJ AKLSDF ASDFASKDFJ AKSLDFJAKLSJFASK KILL ME NOW I’M DEAD DEAD ALKSDFJ ALSKFJDASKLF

LEAVE AMISH PEOPLE ALONE! First we were enamored with child beauty queens, then Guidos and Boston townies and now the Amish obsession is in full swing. Let’s be honest, are the Amish really that interesting? Like, interesting enough that we should watch Vanilla Ice construct wagons with them? Because that’s what the show is about: Vanilla Ice learning construction from Amish people in Ohio. Perfect! I love watching neurotic, washed-up celebrities anachronistically build shit.

Who is watching this show? NO, SERIOUSLY. I want to know. At this point, just from a sociological perspective, I want to find out how Vanilla Ice keeps getting put on television. And if I find out that it’s you, you best believe that I’ll be coming for you.

 

The Roman Catholic Diocese of Brooklyn

Because they need to stop putting up these ads:

r-JESUS-WAS-A-HIPSTER-large570

What.

The.

Hell.

Really guys? We’re going there? We’re going to use the holiest figure in Catholicism to pander to Brooklyn hipsters? ARE WE REALLY DOING THAT? Can we please stop speculating on what Jesus would be like if he were alive today? 1) It seems a smidgen disrespectful and 2) WHO CARES? Does that change the Bible? Does make Jesus a hipster add the eighth sacrament of growing a handlebar mustache to Catholicism?

Also, from a marketing perspective, this is dumb. Do ads for churches really work? How easily swayed do you think people are? If they weren’t going to Mass before, they ain’t going now just because you slapped some dirty Converses on their Lord and Savior.

-K

Filed Under: Celebrities, New York City, News Tagged With: , , , ,