If you’ve been thinking to yourself, “Wow, I really wish there was yet another overpriced bottled water brand out on the market,” worry no more because P. Diddy and Mark Wahlberg have gots ya covered with their new venture, AQUAhydrate.
AQUAhydrate blah blah blah something something pH balance something electrolytes blah blah. Does it really matter what new marketing spin they’ve put on bottled water? I kind of doubt that we’ve greatly improved on water since we figured out how to clean it. That was pretty much the only radical advancement for the substance that supports life for all humans and the world we live in.
P. Diddy, ever the brilliant businessman, (for realz, no snark) is basically just using AQUAhydrate to shill more Ciroc:
THE MOST IMPORTANT PART. HA. The joke’s on them because scientific science has already proven the that ONLY miracle cure for a hangover is a bacon, egg and cheese sandwich and reruns of Shark Tank.
Besides the redundant name and, ya know, redundant product, AQUAhydrate is doing a poor job hiding what a racket they truly are. From the website’s FAQ page:
Where does your water come from?
Because of our proprietary process, AQUAhydrate has the ability to take any clean water source and transform it into our powerful synergy of alkalinity, electrolytes, and trace minerals to fuel balance, performance, and ultimate hydration.
What they’re saying is: We take tap water and do some vaguely sciencey stuff to it in order to justify the price.
Because they threw some electrolytes up in thurr, AQUAhydrate is being touted as an athletic performance beverage. Lucky for them, they got some stellar athletes to sign on, including:
Rob Gronkowski, who you only need to know as the NFL version of Ryan Locthe.
And his two brothers:
Which doesn’t look at all dubious.
If these guys don’t convince you:
Oh cool! A NASCAR driver drinks this stuff. Because obviously NASCAR drivers are the epitome of athleticism and physical fitness.
As far as I can tell, the only places near me selling AQUAhydrate are GNC stores, which should tell you something.
AQUAhydrate also seems to be a sponsor of this year’s Coachella Festival. So if you’re planning on attending, get ready to pay $5 a bottle for this stuff. Although, if you’re attending Coachella, you’re probably already used to getting ripped off.
Recycle and go drink some tap water.