10 Things I Learned From the 2013 Grammys
1) Taylor Swift is still terrible
She let us know right off the bat with that god-awfully ridiculous opening performance. Of course, I expected it to be cliche and childish–just like her, but I was still hoping for something less stupid than that. What the hell did that silly circus set up have to do with anything? That made about as much sense as Nicki’s cray cray performance last year. I won’t even go into detail about how obnoxious she was during the rest of the show–waving her arms and singing along like damn fool. I want to see a birth certificate because there is no way this girl is over legal age. Adults don’t behave like this.
2) LLCool J really does not need to host next year
You know, good for him for landing this gig two years in a row, but I think his time is over now. Sure, it probably wasn’t his choice, but that Twitter talk was ridonkulous and why did anyone think we wanted to know that much about LL Cool J’s personal history with the Grammys? Did anyone else notice that all his “hashtag hashtag hashtag” foolery stopped about halfway through the show? Probably because someone actually got on Twitter and realized that the whole world thought he didn’t understand Twitter.
3) The producers need to be fired
What in god’s green Earth was up with those bizarre segues? Why did the show need to be THREE AND A HALF HOURS long? Why the hell were there so many country performances? Why wasn’t anyone under the age of 40 consulted on any part of this program? Why haven’t I been offered this job? These are serious, pressing questions people.
4) Miracle whip is stupid
The following interaction went down last night:
— Miracle Whip (@MiracleWhip) February 11, 2013
SHUT UP MIRACLE WHIP. You are disgusting and will never trick people into thinking that you taste like mayonnaise. Also, why are you trolling Twitter for references about Fun(PERIOD)? WHY DO YOU CARE SO MUCH ABOUT THAT SHITTY BAND, MIRACLE WHIP? Speaking of which…
5) Fun(PERIOD) is the worst thing to happen to the world
Chriiiiist they suck and their clothes are stupid and they have the most smack-able faces I’ve ever seen. Also, Rihanna did that whole “performing in the rain” thing already. Months ago. On X Factor. And she was better. PLUS they didn’t even thank Janelle Monáe in their acceptance speech when they won for the song she was featured on, because they are hipster assholes.
6) Justin Timberlake is making it worth the wait
Pusher Love Girl is errrrything. Even though he jacked Amy Winehouse’s entire set design, I loved it. Admittedly, I was a bit skeptical about his comeback–I don’t like being disappointed. But I should have known that with Hov’s approval, it couldn’t have been anything but great. He’s the baddest white boy in the game right now and is album isn’t even out yet.
7) No one gave a damn about the dress code
That dress code was stupid, hypocritical and sexist. I’m glad all the bad bitches just gave a big middle finger to CBS because whataretheygonnadoaboutit??
Even Katy Perry gets props.
8) Jay-Z and Beyonce don’t give a fuck
Beyonce rolls up in a jumpsuit because the he Grammys don’t deserve the honor of her squeezing herself into a fabulous gown.
Meanwhile, Jay-Z uses his Grammy as a shot glass.
All hail the Carters.
9) The Grammys hate hip hop
I already knew this, but don’t just take my word for it. It’s well-documented that the Grammys have a bullshit history with hip hop and R&B. That was never more evident than last night. They had ONE hip hop performance–where they tried to squeeze in a tribute to one of the most important people in the genre–which they CUT OFF. It’s 2013. The Grammys need to get with it.
10) The Grammys don’t matter
Let’s be real–very little about this show makes sense. There are waaay too many categories and actual popular music is rarely recognized. Never forget that Kanye West lost the 2005 Best New Artist Award to Maroon 5 which shot down any credibly this organization had left. Oh yeah, and how Fun(PERIOD) won that same award this year even though they’ve been active since 2008 and released their first album in 2009. Cool, Grammys.