So, Tim Tebow is coming to New York! The Jets! When I heard this I thought: “Ok, so the ones who didn’t win the Super Bowl. The other guys, right?”
This is perfect because New York doesn’t have enough men with inflated egos who have too much cash that was earned by doing work that provides little to no tangible value to society.
I kid. Kinda. I’m a sports fan! Really. In all honesty, I’m a fan of anything that makes this place I now call home even a little bit more ridiculous. Either way, I welcome you Tim Tebow. But I probs won’t be watching any of your games, assuming you get a chance to play.
The real question is this: Is New York big enough for two überChristian sports heroes who face tremendous pressure due to the fact that fans can’t properly manage their expectations for them? I guess we shall see. But now, some non-football advice for Timmy as he transitions into big city life:
This is New York City baby! You’re moving to, arguably, the greatest city in the world. The Gotham Big Apple that Never Sleeps in the World’s Biggest Urban Playground! I’m not saying you need to go all Rob Gronkowski on us, but you definitely need to take a scoop from your fun tank. Remember that time you went to Las Vegas and all you did was go to Cirque du Soleil with your brother? Remember that time you wore jeans in an underwear ad? Come on, man. You’re 24 years-old. Act like it. I expect to see you stumbling out of some trendy, embarrassingly overpriced club in the Meatpacking District at least four times this summer.
Get down with the Gays
To be fair, you’ve never explicitly expressed your stance on gay marriage and gay rights, but the fact that you’re supposedly not allowed to talk about it is suspect. Plus, that cheesy, not-so-subtle pro-life Focus on the Family commercial doesn’t bode well. (FOF ain’t too keen on homosexuals, to say the least, yo.) However, I will not be one to jump to conclusions. So, if you’re not already down with gay people, get down. We have more of them than Denver and they are wonderful and can get married here.
Enough with the Tebowing. Seriously
You may not even play, right? Don’t the Jets already have a quarterback? The one who dated the chick from the Hills? If so, you need to tone down this showboating in the name of God. Isn’t the whole point of prayer that it’s a private moment between you and God? Hint: We can all see you out there! This pomp that you call prayer ain’t private. Come up with a new thing. Also, I’m not sure if you understand New Yorkers. It takes them about 4.35 seconds to jump on an exciting bandwagon. I DO NOT WANT TO SEE PEOPLE DOING THIS IN THE SUBWAY TIMMY!
Do not date Taylor Swift
We all heard about your little dinner date. Leave it at that. She is the Queen of Cling and when the affair inevitably ends, she will write a syrupy, plodding song about you. You do not want this, Tim. You’ll be able to find TONS overly cutesy and obsessive lady friends right here in New York. Along those same lines…
Do not date Katy Perry
This, really, should go without saying. Do not give in to her advances! I know it’s confusing but she can’t actually shoot things out of her boobs like that.
Choose your endorsements carefully
Soon you will be in the country’s largest market. You’ll probably have your pick of (even more) endorsements. Do not pull an Amare:
Do not become friends with Jeremy Lin
Way too obvious and we’ll all see right through it. Plus, honestly, Jeremy is a nice guy and all, but he is definitely not the right person to help you loosen up. Why don’t you see what Alex Rodriguez is up to? Perhaps there’s another bikini party he’ll send you an invite for.
Do not sign up for a reality show
Hopefully you learned something from Kris Humphries. You’re already treading a fine line buddy. Sure, people like you fine, but more than anything, they’re fascinated by you. It is very easy for fascination to turn into annoyance and annoyance into hate. There are no halos to protect you in New York.
So Timmy, New York and I welcome you with open arms! Oops, or maybe not.