#sammisweetheart

The lesser known female cast member of MTV’s Jersey Shore, Sammi Sweetheart, clearly has some complex thoughts about the fact that she has not whored herself out enough to keep the fame going when the cameras have stopped rolling. What is she doing to take care of this? Releasing a fragrance. Like a perfume. I’m sorry- who in their right mind wants to smell like a second-string Jersey Shore whore voluntarily?!

Chanel N°5 ain't got nuttin on me

The powers that be at Huffington Post were able to nab an interview with her (lucky sluts!), so maybe taking a look at the article will clarify things.

HP: You’ve been promoting your fragrance, Dangerous. What’s the most dangerous thing you’ve ever done?
SS: If you watch the show, you can find some dangerous things that I’ve done. There are some crazy, out-of-control things going on all the time. I think I have an edgier side, so “dangerous” plays off to me like I can be sweet, or I can be bitchy.

Me: This is not an answer, Sammi. Telling people to watch your show to find out the answer to the question 100% defeats the purpose of this in-person interview.

HP: Snooki and JWoww have fragrances too. Who’s the best-smelling cast member?
SS: Me, of course!

Me: Are you? Really? Because looking at you through the TV screen, I sense that you smell like a mix of banana-coconut tanning oil, cheap tequila, and and straightener-burnt hair. I doubt Snooki or JWoww smell all that much better than you, but one of the well groomed men you have been living with MUST smell less like strippers than you do. My money is on Vinny.

HP: Have you seen the trailer for Pauly D’s new show?
SS: I haven’t, but I’m so proud of him and I’m so happy for him. It looks really awesome. You’re going to see him DJing and doing his thing.

Me: Hey girl hey. You seem like SUCH a supportive friend- you couldn’t take 90 seconds out of your “busy” life to watch your Pauly’s trailer? I find that hard to believe because I am 97-100% sure that all you do with your ample free time is watch MTV endlessly in hopes of catching glimpses of yourself on television. Because we know you are smart enough to have given up hope of seeing yourself in print by now.

HP: If you were to have your own spinoff, what would the premise be?
SS: It would be “Sammi’s World” — you could see my life.

Me: Thank you for proving that you are the least creative person. You are given a chance to brand yourself and have your own reality TV show, and you choose “Sammi’s World” as the title? If you’re so “dangerous” and “edgy”, shouldn’t a show that is just about you reflect that in the title?

HP: What’s your take on Snooki’s rumored pregnancy?
SS: I don’t know too much about that, but if she’s pregnant I’m happy for her, and if she’s not pregnant I’m still happy for her. I support my girlfriends.

Me: Ha. That is comical. Because when they tried to support you and give you advice, you stopped talking to them/started a physical fight or two. And then made up with them. And then fought with them again. You are THE WORST girlfriend ever.

HP: Who on “Jersey Shore” would make the best parent?
SS: Jenni’s, like, the mother of the house, so we always thought that she would be a good parent.

Me: Sammi. WAKE UP. It is not every day that a reputable new source wants to interview you. So when HuffPost asks you a question, please answer with your opinion. Not with “we always thought…”. Who is we?! Do you have multiple personalities? Because if you did, that would explain a great deal about what we know about you, and if you could confirm your diagnosis, that would be great. Otherwise, you are being interviewed as Sammi, not as a representative for the entire cast!

HP: If Snooki is pregnant, what should the baby’s nickname be?
SS: Pickle.

Me: Not too shabby. I’m OK with this response.

HP: “Jersey Shore” is known for spawning some choice catchphrases. What’s your favorite, and least favorite? 
SS: I like “GTL” and I don’t like “Get real.” It gets annoying after a while.

Me: You are answering this question as if you’ve only seen the pilot of the show. I’m pretty sure President Obama knows what GTL means. Why don’t you talk about T-shirt time, cabs are here, etc…anything that hasn’t been printed on an Abercrombie shirt would be a refreshing change.

HP: What’s something that people would be surprised to know about you?
SS: I play soccer, and I like to draw and paint.

Me: I’m surprised you didn’t mention that you are the most boring person to ever be cast on a reality TV show. Oh wait, that is not surprising in the least bit.

HP: What’s the biggest misconception about you?
SS: I think people think that they know me based on the show, but they don’t get to know me for who I am. They just see an hour a week.

Me: Are. You. Kidding. Me. You started off the interview by telling us to watch the show to get to know you and your “dangerous” side. Now you’re saying this is not how we should try to get to know you? Sammi, if you are so concerned about people knowing who the real you is, maybe you should have something worth knowing about.

-S

Comments

  1. Cory says:

    Another good read that made me laugh