#hipsters

31 Thursday May 2012

Posted by in New York City, Sports, Why is this a thing?

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Attention: Do not go to the Brooklyn Cyclones game on July 5th. I repeat: DO NOT GO TO THE BROOKLYN CYCLONES GAME ON JULY 5TH.

The minor league baseball team will be hosting a Williamsburg (read: hipster) Night because they hate their fans.

I mean, Lord, what an obnoxious idea. I imagine whatever loyal fans this team has are pretty precious, why would they put them through this?

In all seriousness, who is running the marketing and promotions down there? And is this their worst idea ever or just one of many? Look, I get it, they need people to buy tickets but there absolutely must be better ways to get people to games. Like anything but this.

Special events at Williamsburg Night will include:

“Any bearded fans receive special vouchers”. Cool, so women won’t get shit. (Side rant: unless you’re Santa Clause or a similarly strange old man, substantial beards are almost always gross and wildly unattractive. Why would anyone want matted, rarely shampooed hair hanging from their face?)

“Skee-Ball tournament from our friends at Full Circle Bar”. Skee-ball? That rando game they had in the back of Chuck E. Cheese? STOP HIPSTERS JUST STOP.

“Skinny jeans post-game run the bases” UGH. Just UGH. I can’t even formulate a response to this that doesn’t lead to me babbling in tongues and convulsing on the floor.

“Got a Brooklyn Cyclones tattoo? -Win a customized jersey!” Unless you own the Brooklyn Cyclones, why on God’s green Earth would you get a Brooklyn Cyclones tattoo? This is the textbook definition of “not worth it”.

If you’re a non-hipster, I strongly advise you not to attend. However, if you do decide to go to this game, be prepared for the following occurrences:

  • Your eyes to never stop rolling
  • Instagram crashing
  • A very sad hipster after they break their fake thick-rimmed glasses after trying to catch a fly ball with their face
  • A drunk, actual Brooklyn Cylcones fan taking a swing at a hipster after he’s finally had enough of their shit
  • Again, a lot of this

I think it’s pretty safe to say that baseball is the most blue-collar of the three major sports. Blue-collar, you know, the people hipsters ironically make fun of all the time? Is no one imaging the unpleasant culture clash that is sure to occur? Hipsters, if you do attend, tread lightly, this could end very poorly for you. Brooklyn Cyclones marketing team, be better.

-K

#snoopdogg

31 Thursday May 2012

Posted by in Television

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Never one to keep his opinions to himself, Snoop Dogg most recently voiced his feelings about the TV show The Voice. Snoop said:

You could have the best voice ever but be as boring as hell. I don’t see it producing a One Direction or Susan Boyle

OK, Snoop. Thank you for letting us know what you think. But are you really concerned about the lack of One Direction-esque bands? Do you think there need to be more? Because to be honest, I am perfectly fine with there being a limit of teenaged boy bands instituted by the government.

Not to fear, Snoop came up with a solution to the problem he has created for himself in his head. He will host a show! His own “hood TV show,” to be exact,  where he can find America’s hottest hood artists.

Tell me, Snoop Doggy Dogg, how would a show about raw hood artists help America discover the next One Direction or Susan Boyle? It seems unlikely. I am not claiming to be an expert in all things hood, but last I checked, One Direction has very little street cred and I don’t think they should be used as a musical standard in any sort of measurement.

Snoop is pretty great but his argument is half-baked. Also, why would he want to hang out with anyone like the members of One Direction? Please note the difference between a Snoop Dogg selfie twitpic and a One Direction selfie twitpic:

 

-S

#deshawnstevenson

30 Wednesday May 2012

Posted by in Sports, Twitter

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Last night, Twitter was abuzz after Brooklyn Nets player, DeShawn Stevenson posted a picture of himself in his kitchen. Why is this odd, you ask? Because clearly visible was a damn ATM machine in the background.

Naturally, I, like many others, found this perplexing. Which got me thinking…

Why the Hell Does DeShawn Stevenson Have an ATM Machine In His Kitchen?

  • At 6 ft 5 in and 218 lb, he’s protecting himself from ATM muggings
  • He stole it
  • He’s afraid of banks
  • Mikhail Prokhorov gave it to him
  • He’s a reckless fool
  • He lives in a mall
  • That shit ain’t real
  • Based off of his outfit he thinks he’s Mr. Monopoly so he obviously must dispense money in his home
  • He doesn’t trust banks
  • He’s a drug dealer
  • He makes irresponsible online purchasing decisions when drunk
  • He likes to make things as convenient as possible for his guests
  • He HATES ATM fees
  • He has too much disposable income for a man of his decision-making ability
  • He’s starting his own bank
  • He’s trying to set the new bar for boughetto behavior
  • His kitchen is actually a convenience store
  • He knows something the rest of us don’t know
  • He’s DeShawn Stevenson

These are quite clearly the most logical possibilities.

-K

#torispelling

30 Wednesday May 2012

Posted by in Celebrities

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OK guys…I’m really really sorry about the picture I am about to subject your eyes to. If you have just eaten, please close out of your browser and revisit this post on an empty stomach.

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We can move on now that you have been fairly warned. Here you go, ladies and gentleman, my biggest nightmare:

I assure you I have absolutely no photoshop skillz, so as hard as it is to believe that this happened in real life, I promise I did not make this up.

I wish for Tori’s sake that this was fake. Because one day, a few years from now, Joan Rivers will have a hard time finding a guest for E! Fashion Police, and Tori Spelling will make an appearance. And when she is forced to admit what her worst fashion mistake has been, there will be no other choice.

There are too many things wrong with this.

  • Why does she look so angry?
  • Where is her stylist hiding these days? He or she clearly has a lot of work to do.
  • This bathing suit would not look good on anybody, let alone a pregnant Tori Spelling.
  • Her outfit so aggressive, yet she chose wear flip flops instead of wedges or something a little better suited for a professional photo shoot. What a strange choice.

This would be a much more appropriate way to show off your baby bump, Tori:

Photo via EOnline.com

I hope you kept your breakfast down. If you have any answers or insights to the questions and musings posed above, please holla at your girl.

-S

#beyonce

29 Tuesday May 2012

Posted by in Music, The Carters

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This Memorial Day weekend, Beyonce made her triumphant return to the stage, five months after giving birth to baby Blue Ivy Carter. Obviously this was a momentous occasion so I’ve outlined everything you need to know about what ensued:

She looked fantastic

Obvi. Word on the street is that she lost 60 pounds and basically lived on a treadmill for the last few months. So worth it Bey. So worth it.

(via iam.beyonce.com)

She covered Lauryn Hill

My brain pretty much exploded when I saw the video of her performing “Ex Factor”. Lauryn and Beyonce are two of my irreplaceable favorites of all time forever and ever until the end of time and I am crazy in love with both of them. Dangerously in love.

She wore her engagement ring

Which isn’t really relevant other than to remind you how fucking enormous and excessive that rock is.

(via iam.beyonce.com)

The show occurred in Atlantic City

Because even Bey’s comeback show couldn’t be completely perfect.

Jay approved

Michelle Obama was there

That is too much incredibleness for one room to handle. The three most important members of the first family were in attendance and apparently the ladies broke it down when “Single Ladies” came on. There is literally nothing I wouldn’t give or do to have been there with them. You hear me? NOTHING. And I mean that like I’ve never meant anything in my entire life.

She’s still Queen Bey

(via iam.beyonce.com)

-K

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